Daddy Come and Get Me

Happy Wednesday,

How is everyone doing today? I do hope you enjoy some of this amazing sunshine and warm weather. Looks like we’ll hit the 80’s today. I’m going to my first sit and sew at senior center in the lake today. My friend Susan suggested I try it out, so that’s my game plan. I’m a little nervous about going since I really don’t know anyone, but I was challenged by another friend to get out of my comfort zone and do something by myself that I’ve never done. I think she had going to the Lodge for a drink, or dinner in mind, but hopefully, going to a sit and sew will do.

I started school this week too. I’m taking a nutrition class. I think it will do me good. I’ve struggled since having babies with my weight, so I’m excited to learn more about food, exercise and overall nutrition and health. I just found out too that my insurance will pay up to $75.00 a month for a gym membership, so I’m excited to find a gym, get signed up and work on me.

Funny, things lately seem to be falling into place, or at least I thought they were, then I get a bump in the road and it’s making me really miss my daddy. I’m sitting on my patio hoping to see a butterfly wisp by. You see, whenever I miss my dad, I tend to see more butterflies, but not this time. I’m trying to keep busy with my writing, school and being a little more active in the community, but I still have this knot in my belly and tension throughout that is just eating at me.

About six years ago when I met my dad for the first time in nearly 30 years, we spent a weekend together at my cabin in the mountains. That weekend, I learned I was so much like him. We liked many of the same things, and one of those things was our love for music. I love all types of music, however, I’m more drawn to country, and I love the old country singers, like Dolly Parton. Dolly has a song, Daddy Come and Get Me. When that song came on, dad had me play it several times and he said to me, I will never leave you again, I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll always come and get you. You are forever, my little girl.

For much of my life I’ve felt as though I’ve been in a mental institution. Being raised in a cult can have that affect. For as long as I can remember, I was told what to think, what to feel and how to act. If I dare voice any type of opinion or question anything, I would be met with a comeback of, “you don’t really think that way, this is how you need to think about that,” so I learned from early childhood that thinking for myself was unacceptable. I used to ask my mother questions about my dad, and she would tell me to put him out of my mind and then she would try and force me to accept the stepdad as my dad. Funny, I didn’t like him, and he most definitely didn’t like me. When I got married, I had much of the same experience with not having a voice. You see, women were to serve their husbands and families while keeping silent. We were to support our husbands no matter what. I allowed myself to put aside things that I wanted to do, places I wanted to see and accepted things I didn’t care for.

I remember when I got married and we took a trip back to Wisconsin. I fell in love with it. It was so beautiful there and I asked my husband, who was from there to move. He always talked about how much he hated California, and loved Wisconsin, but he wouldn’t move. Anything I suggested was met with, I’ll think about it. Never a discussion, just I’ll decide, so after time, I learned to keep quiet, and I felt as though I was put in this mental institution where I had no thinking ability, no voice, and my opinions were a joke.

I would be made fun of by my husband. He would put me down for my weight, for not understanding things, especially if it had to do with math or numbers. His mom would ridicule me in front of others and when my oldest son was born, he came out looking like me and as he grew from a baby to a toddler, she would poke fun at him and say things like his ears are too big or he’s going to have a weight problem like you. Well, he grew up to be a handsome man, ears are perfect, and he’s fit and trim. I think he turned out pretty okay.

I have become pretty sensitive to certain things, and I take things personal, probably more then I should, and this sometimes causes me to become paralyzed in my thinking, sadly. When I escaped the cult and left my marriage, I began to free myself of the mental institution I had myself in, however, certain things trigger me, and I find myself right back in that prison. Something was shared with me yesterday that has me questioning if I am good enough and all I want right now is my daddy. When dad and I listened to Daddy come and get me, my dad promised he would never leave me, he promised to always protect me and then he got sick and he couldn’t fight anymore, he was hurting and he needed to go to sleep, so he did.

“It’s not my mind that’s broken, it’s my heart, oh daddy come and get me and take me home with you. I’m depending on you daddy, there’s nothing I can do, and you said that I could come to you if I ever was in need, but daddy I can’t come to you, you’ll have to come to me.” On days like this, when I overthink things, I would reach out to dad, and he would listen, then he would say in his sweet, kind dad voice, baby girl, you got this. My dad would never tell me not to think a certain way, and he would never tell me my thoughts were crazy. He would talk with me and help me through things. From the time he came back into my life, he made me feel safe, he gave me courage and he made everything okay, because he believed in me.

Not having my dad anymore certainly brings a void to my life. Most days, even though I miss him, I know he’s not suffering anymore and has moved onto a new journey, but on days where I doubt me, when someone says things in an indirect way that makes me doubt myself, or my life, I wish he was here, “Oh daddy, come and get me.”

My biggest problem is, I allow others to take up space in my head and I begin to think things like, I don’t deserve to pursue things that make me happy. I think that I have to put everyone else first and that my pursuit of chasing my dreams is crazy. You see, I can make others happy by surrendering and giving up what I enjoy. I can leave lake life behind, at least for a while, but then, I miss out on building my new relationships with my boys and we are on this amazing new journey that is incredible.

I’m thankful that John supports me and that should be all that matters, but I haven’t found the strength within myself yet to put all the other outside noise aside. I talked with Carly last night and told her what was said that put me in this place again, this overthinking place in my head and she told me to let it go then she said, she understands why I feel hurt. She saw the trigger right away in the words that were said and then, she reassured me that it would all work out and be okay. I know she’s right, and I know I need to rid myself of this mental institution I find myself in. Maybe a little sewing with the ladies today will put me back in a better state of mind. Fingers crossed.

Well guys, I know this was a ramble blog, but I do thank you for reading. We all have those negative, crazy mixed up in the head sort of days. I know this much, no matter how mixed up I feel, I will find the good in today. I hope you all have the greatest of days and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++