Financial abuse

Happy Wednesday evening everyone!

How was your day? We are officially halfway through the week, and tomorrow is promising us more rain and lots of wind, at least in my neck of the woods. Are you ready for it? I am. I absolutely love the wind and rain, and I love being able to enjoy it in my new home.

Our home is so bright and it’s our happy place, even our pups are super happy about being able to go outside and run and play. They also love being able to romp around my bedroom and wrestle. I think Oreo is still settling in though. She’s had a lot of displacement in her life, so she’s approaching her new home life a little more cautiously. As long as she snuggled up with me or John or playing with Molly, she’s in her happy place, but if a stranger comes over, well, she’s not as welcoming as she used to be back in her younger days. Even Molly isn’t happy with strangers. They both go nutso when folks walk on “their” street. I am so glad John’s teaching them to use their indoor voices when they bark and believe me, it’s working.

So, you may be wondering why the title and what exactly is financial abuse? Well, the term financial abuse was brought up to me recently, and it was something I’d never heard of before. So, you know me, I had to go and look up the definition of what financial abuse is and boy, were my eyes opened to this new term, at least for me it’s a new term.

I assumed financial abuse meant withholding money from an employee or a spouse. Or it meant a mate who controlled all the funds and never let their partner know the details of their financials.

I personally knew back in the day this couple who kept all their finances separate. The husband didn’t trust his wife financially and didn’t want her having access to his money. This couple who I’m no longer in contact with were recently shopping at Walmart. I happened to be there too. I avoided making contact with them because I’ve gone a different direction in life and I didn’t want to face the questions about why I chose to change my path.

Yes, they would have asked questions. I knew this couple on a personal level. We were friends for many years, at least the wife and I were. When I left the JW religion/cult, I had people who were friends decide to follow the rules of the church to the letter and associating with someone who leaves is generally frowned upon. I respect the choices of folks who feel I’m bad association because I don’t live the letter of the law of the religion. These folks live the religion’s doctrines because that’s what they believe, so I respect the boundaries certain JW’s place upon my interactions with them. I guess I’ve learned to accept and respect. I don’t agree with the rules, but I respect how the followers chose to live by them.

Anyway, this one particular couple live as husband and wife, however, she has zero clue on anything financial when it comes to her husband. Hey, it works for them. No judgement.

The couple mentioned above went into their marriage agreeing that she would have no input to his financials. They keep their money separate and that’s okay, that’s what they do. I do however know that in this couple’s marriage, the husband does handle most of the home needs financially. One thing I never understood was when she needed a new car, he had the cash for it, so he paid for it and then she had to make payments to him, with interest. The interest to him was lower than a bank, but none-the-less, she had a 5-year car loan with interest to her husband. Again, no judgement. Not my business. I simply didn’t understand the entire situation that she made me aware of, but again, listening was all that was requested of me and not my understanding or opinion.

In a case like above, I don’t consider the way the hubby controls money to be financial abuse. The car thing? I’ll let you decide on that one.

the couple had agreed upon a lifestyle that works for them and that’s great.

So, this term, financial abuse came up earlier today and of course, that couple was who came to mind. After reading the definition of financial abuse, I was able to gain a new understanding of the way the couple choose to do their money and how different it is than financial abuse.

What I mean is this. The couple I knew decided before marriage that they would keep their financials separate. They came to an agreement, and they’ve made their money handling work and last I spoke to either one of them, they were still very much in love and insanely happy.

I’m glad I was able to recall to mind this couple. It gave me a way to compare a couple who has mutually agreed to be financially independent from one another to what a real financial abuser is and what he/she looks like.

So what is a financial abuser? Great question.

A financial abuser according to AI Overview is: In California, financial abuse by an ex-spouse is a form of domestic violence (under the Domestic Violence Protection Act) involving the use of economic power to control, intimidate, or isolate a partner, often continuing after separation. It includes stealing money, restricting access to funds, sabotaging employment, ruining credit, or forcing financial dependency.

Key Aspects of Financial Abuse in 

California

• Coercive Control: California law now recognizes that controlling a partner’s economic freedom constitutes domestic violence.
• Common Behaviors: Examples include destroying credit, withholding necessities (food, medicine), hiding assets during divorce, and preventing the victim from working or accessing bank accounts.
• Post-Separation: Abuse often continues after divorce, such as manipulating child support or refusing to pay court-ordered debt.
• Legal Remedies: Victims can seek a Domestic Violence Restraining Order (DVRO), which can compel the return of assets or order payment of debts.

Now what about a couple who divorced. What if an ex-spouse is intentionally manipulating finances to control or cause harm? Get this, it is considered financial abuse under California law. 

In a marriage, according to nnedv.org:

Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in in general, include tactics to conceal information, limit the victim’s access to assets, or reduce accessibility to the family finances.

Neither post-separation/divorce or those married deserve to be manipulated and threated financially.

I know financial abuse can be done by either partner, however, since I’m female, I’ll speak on this coming from a woman’s perspective.

When a husband tries to control his wife by not allowing her to access money, that is wrong. Being on a budget isn’t wrong, but there’s a difference. You see, I asked John to place me on a budget, especially now that we have a home. He’s financially way smarter than me. He looks at the big picture where I am generally in the moment. Not always a bad thing, but it truly is a blessing when one partner “handles” the money. John tracks how money is being spent and when he sees an oops on my part, or even on his part, he sits down with me and shows me. He never blames or makes me feel bad if I spend money on something that I shouldn’t have. This works for us and the best part is, I never feel afraid to go to him when I have a fear stemming from money.

Recently I got the bid for dental work I need. My memory and brain went straight to fear. The dollar amount scared me because it’s a huge amount, but as I drove home from the dentist, I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get out of my head and rid me of the fear of talking to John. Why was I afraid to talk to John? Because I was trained my entire life to fear talking to my partner about money, especially when it came to something I needed. I never felt worthy or deserving to have medical/dental needs met. With John, it’s different. He wants to know. He asks questions and he wants to see the bill. He wants to talk to the financial department at the dentist. He wants to know everything, and my heart knows this, however, sometimes, my head takes a moment to catch up.

When I told John my co-pay for the dental work he asked me to get a second opinion, then he said, “we’ll make it work. Your health is important.”

Thank goodness John is so loving and compassionate and now I’ve come up with a solution on how to proceed thanks to his help.

When a spouse/partner withholds funds from “their” person, that is a form of abuse. It’s a form of control and it can be a form of manipulation, especially if you are dealing with an ex.

Since being divorced, I’ve had my eyes open to reality and people’s true colors. I had a friend tell me back in 2016 about his divorce. His name is Dave. Anyway, Dave and Michelle were married for over 20+ years. One day she decided she didn’t want to be married to him anymore. He can be a bit of a butt, but the real reason for their divorce? None of my business.

Dave and I have been friends since the 5th grade. A long time. We rarely keep in contact anymore, but when he went through his divorce, I remember him telling me, “when you’re sitting in a court room listening to the person you once loved, had built a life with, had kids with, when you sit there and listen to them testify on the stand how horrible of a spouse you were all while trying to take you for everything you’ve got, you realize they are now the enemy. Love of any kind is off the table. You are now front and center in a boxing ring.”

Don’t get me wrong, some marriages break up and the split is amicable and each party goes his/her own way. That’s great, however, not all relationships end nicely, in fact, most do not. At least that’s my opinion.

When a marriage breaks up for whatever reason, it should still be fair. Things should be fair, but let’s face it, who said life is fair?

Before my divorce I was one of those people who said, “he would never do that. He’ll be fair.” Guess what, whoever said life isn’t fair, they were right. The person you once thought you’d spend forever with has now become your enemy, despite how much one of the parties had wished otherwise.

I can’t help but wonder when a couple goes through a divorce, why does one party think they deserve more than the other?

Maybe the hubby had a secular job, but the wife stayed home with the kiddos. She did all the cooking, cleaning, yard work along with being a taxi for the kids and all of their running arounds. Is she deserving of less? By her doing these things in a huge way, it enabled her husband to hold a job or career and advance them financially or the roles could have been reversed. I know many women who are the “breadwinners” while hubby is a stay-at-home dad. Is he any less than her because he took on the role of houseman? NO!

As long as both parties are contributing to the marriage and agree who does what, then they are partners. If they later decide to divorce or go their own way, then they spit things up. Equally! One partner is not any lesser than the other.

I know someone who left her marriage. She worked for 26 of the 34 years they were together. When she left, she left with zero money. She was so controlled in her marriage that leaving took more strength than she thought she had. The soon to be ex-husband drained the bank accounts and left her with nothing. She had to go on welfare to survive because she had no skill set to get a job and she was sickly.

When she asked him for money, he told her if she wanted money she had to come home to him. He wanted to control her and by his comments, it was apparent he had been controlling her for most likely all of their marriage. It is my opinion, that most likely in his mind, because she didn’t contribute a lot financially, the money was his and he probably felt she didn’t deserve it. She worked; however, her income wasn’t up to his paygrade. This same husband told her, “You chose to leave, not me.” This is financial abuse. He was controlling her. He was withholding money from his soon to be ex in order to control what she did. That’s abuse.

No matter how you look at it, when a spouse or ex-spouse tries to control the narrative of the financial situation, it’s manipulation. That’s abuse and as stated above, it’s also trying to control a person’s freedom.

With no money, a person becomes desperate and they make decisions based upon the fear of becoming homeless, hungry and destitute. When this is caused by a spouse/ex-spouse, this is abuse. Financial abuse does fall under the category of domestic abuse. Now that’s an eye opener. Something to think about.

Have you ever seen the movie, Eat, Pray, Love? It’s also a book. In this story, there was no abuse, only unhappiness. This quote was one of my favorites from the book:

Sometimes you just have to choose, but whatever the choice is you make, I hope you can go with fairness. Don’t allow hurt to become hate. Wish the person well and let go. Easier said than done I get it, but the alternative sorta sucks. Hate and resentment will eat a person up.

Let go. Let God! Be kind and never let hate settle in your heart. Give it to Him.

Until next time, Love Life++ Hugs.

Photo dump:

My solar fountain fits perfect in my bird bath:

I stopped by the lake front today and saw this amazing view:

Then there were the palms:

And of course, the water:

And the ducks:

And a bird in flight:

Good night