Slow-motion goodbye

Happy Wednesday evening,

How are all you wonderful friends doing this evening? We are half way through another week which means we are that much closer to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m excited. So, what’s new with you? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

I wanted to thank everyone for the positive vibes and encouragement as I navigate not only health issues, but mold remediation. UGH!! John was told just two days ago that the reconstruction would only take about a week. I was beyond excited to hear that. I tried to embrace the time frame and not even think, “how could that time line be possible”? Guess what? John was told yesterday the time line is now 1-4 months. I guess now we need to saddle up and get ready for the ride.

Onto the blog:

I came across something a friend of mine re-posted on her Facebook page and it reminded me of my past life. I’ve been asked by so many people, why did you stay so long. Why, why and why. Why did I stay in my marriage? Why did I stay in a cult/religion once I began seeing the lies? Why didn’t you share with your sons how unhappy you really were?

Because I never wanted to look back and say I should have tried harder.

Because it’s the only “truth” I knew. I was raised to believe a certain way. I was taught that if I didn’t stay I would literally be destroyed by fireballs from heaven. God would turn his back on me. I would be an apostate. An enemy of God.

Because they were and are my sons. My pain wasn’t for them to bare, it was mine. It wasn’t and isn’t their responsibility to fix my unhappiness. They were never the reason. They were the opposite. They were part of the reason I tried so damn hard.

Below is the re-post from my friend. I’m not sure of the author, but it sure is powerful.

“80% of women don’t cry, scream, or argue when they’re hurting, they go silent. Not because they don’t care, but because they’ve already said everything they needed to say and it changed nothing.
Silence is her last language. It’s what she says when she realizes her words have fallen on deaf ears too many times. When she tried to explain how she felt, tried to ask for better, tried to fight for the relationship, and all she got back was defensiveness, gas-lighting, or empty promises. At some point, a woman stops talking not because she’s fine but because she’s finished.
You know she’s truly hurting when she starts pulling back without saying a word. No more checking in, no more long texts, no more trying to make you understand. She’ll be in the same room, but a thousand miles away. She’ll answer you, but with one-word replies. She’ll still love you but now that love has a guard around it.
See, women express pain differently. Most don’t want to argue, they want peace. But when they realize that loving you costs them their peace, the silence comes. And it’s not the cold kind. It’s the kind that comes with heartbreak, with exhaustion, with disappointment. It’s the kind of silence that says: I cared so deeply, and now I’m tired.
And here’s the part many men don’t realize until it’s too late: silence is a woman’s goodbye spoken in slow motion. She might still be there physically, but emotionally? She’s already packing up pieces of herself. And by the time you notice her absence, she’s already gotten used to the quiet.
So if a woman you care about goes silent, don’t ignore it. Don’t assume she’s just being dramatic. Pay attention. Silence is rarely empty, it’s filled with everything she wanted to say but gave up on saying. And once a woman gives up on trying to be understood. She starts learning how to live without needing you at all.“-Unknown

When I left my marriage my husband at the time asked me why I never told him how sad and unhappy I was. He was truly a deer in headlights when I said: I did.

Me: Remember when I told you …? You told me to go and pray.

Me: What about the time I told you how cheap you made me feel? Remember you said, “no I don’t.”

I was shocked that he didn’t even ask why I felt that way. I guess it was all me. It was all my problem. Everything was and still is, in his eyes.

How about when I begged you to tell me you love me? Him:” I put in a pool for you, didn’t I?

Oh, and that time I asked you to spend time with just me on our anniversary. Those multiple times I said I didn’t want to spend every anniversary with Ron and Kim. You replied with: “They’re my friends and they want to take us to dinner or they want to have us to their vacation home.”

Me: Remember I said I was okay with that, but why couldn’t we every once in awhile do it another night or another weekend?

You always responded with: “Nope, you need to appreciate their friendship more.”

Time and time again I said I love you. “Thank you” was all you had for me.

Me: Do you love me? Him: “Yeah, I care about you”.

Me: I don’t want to live anymore in this world. Him:”Then who would take care of me and the boys? Who would make dinner?”

One of my all time favorites: Me: Did you really mean it when you said to me the day after we got married: “do you think your mother would let you move back home? I shouldn’t of married you. Maybe we can date a little longer”? Him: Deer in headlights. Then onto many more excuses.

It took me 28 years to finally go silent. I remember the day I checked out. I wonder if he does? Probably not. He didn’t want to hear me.

The day I checked out and fell silent was the day I told him how I was abused by an elder’s daughter. He brushed it off like it was no big deal. Maybe it wasn’t to him, but it was to me. I not only tried to tell him about the night terrors I was having, but I tried to tell him that she threatened me with the religion. My abuser would say to me things like,”If you tell, nobody will believe you. My dad’s an elder and you and your mother are nothing. Tell and everyone will call you a liar and you’ll be in big trouble and so will your mom.”

It was on that day that I told him I didn’t believe in the religion anymore. It was on that day I tried to share with him something that took away my innocence at the age of 5. I’m glad I never told him everything. He didn’t and doesn’t deserve to know.

I lived our entire relationship being shut out by him. I lived most of my life being silenced because I was born without a penis.

I couldn’t put into feelings or words how I went from being a devoted, loving and attentive wife to being just a shell of a person who went through the motions.

My last ditch attempt was inviting him, my ex, into my world after I found my dad. He angrily declined my offer. Later, months later, he told me he was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad. He said to me, “how can you spend so many hours talking to him, but you won’t talk to me like that.”

Remember, I tried. You ignored me. I’m silent now.

When someone is ignored for so long it should be no surprise when the time comes for them to be silent. Promises were made and broken. I was told I was crazy for feeling a certain way. I was made fun of. I was ridiculed.

I went silent and my only regret is I didn’t leave sooner.

I should have tapped into the silence I learned early on in childhood. I was weak then. It was so ingrained in my mind how worthless I was not only as a daughter, but as a wife and a woman of God. I was reminded at every church meeting how my good wasn’t good enough.

So my slow goodbye to my past life should have been no surprise to those who truly knew me. My slow rise from the depths of silence should also be no surprise. It took me a lifetime to unlearn the mindset that I had no voice. It’ going to take me even longer to use it now. At least use my voice in a way that makes sense. In a way that brings honor to Him. In a way that is kind, loving and full of grace.

A slow goodbye to who I used to be and just like a “Puya raimondii (Queen of the Andes)“, it’s going to be a long time before I can fully bloom. Maybe even a lifetime and that’s okay. I can finally see that the journey is way better then the focus of the destination.

Below is a photo of the Queen of the Andes, the Puya Raimondii:

• Puya raimondii (Queen of the Andes):
  • This rare giant bromeliad, native to the mountains of Bolivia, is the slowest flowering plant, taking an average of 80 to 150 years to bloom. 
  • It produces an enormous vertical stalk bearing numerous flowers at the end of its life. 

Credit: AI Overview.

I bet it would be an awe-inspiring site to see. This incredible plant that only blooms every 80-150 years. Gosh, I hope it doesn’t take me that long to bloom. Maybe there’s a lesson in patience for me here.

I can say this though. At the end of my life, I sure hope I leave behind a legacy of flowers. I’d hate to move on leaving behind a whole lot of thorns.

Just as slow was my goodbye my rising to being me complete will be just as slow. I might mope and complain now and again but I sure would love to say each and everyday, I climbed over that hurdle and I still enjoyed the journey.

Well guys, I hope all this made sense. I pray this helps someone see their worth and I can only hope God uses me to not only help people see just how amazing and unique they are, but I strive to capture the hearts of those who may be treating their person as though they don’t matter before their someone special turns on the silence.

Notice the silence. Notice the pulling away. Notice her, or him. Don’t take your life, lover and forever person for granted. The forever might just turn into no more and never again.

Until next time, sleep tight. Goodnight and don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.