Validation

Happy Wednesday evening,

How are you doing? Did you have a good day? I don’t know about you all, but I’m getting tired. Not sure exactly why. I didn’t do a whole lot today. I got some chores done, but over all, I mostly worked on my book. I did some crafting and I went swimming for an hour. Let me tell you, I need the chub to find a new place to live, at least for awhile.

I need to have surgery by the end of the year and the doctor refuses to do it unless I drop 15 more pounds. He said he knows my body is in extreme stress mode, but he told me I need to figure out how to relax enough so my body can release the chubby hormone.

I had some blood work done yesterday and some of the results that I looked up did say because of the either being too high or too low with my bloods white and red counts, those results said that symptoms were in line with being fatigued and just tired.

I am a little anxious tonight because the doctor hasn’t called me or updated MyChart to explain what could be causing the various wonky in my blood work but I am trying to not do my own research. You know how that goes. Do a little research you end up down a rabbit hole of nothing but health conditions.

I was diagnosed with SIBO about a month ago along with one of the autoimmune diseases that goes with it but my blood work to determine SIBO along with the other tests weren’t as bad as yesterdays blood work. So I just wait to either get a call or an update from the doctor. Then go from there. In the meantime, I just take it one day at a time and give myself a little grace when I just can’t function or move.

With everything going on right now not only with my health but with part of my house being under containment. John being in a hotel near Grants school. Me being back and forth from home to my nieces, there is some reasonable explanation for me being this tired. One thing I do struggle with is not being able to get everything done around my home. Mama Sandy tells me not to worry because with the restoration that needs to be done things will still get super dusty. She keeps telling me I need to take care of myself. In some ways I really don’t have much of a choice in the matter. My body is not allowing me to do more then I can and even then it’s a true struggle.

The logic part of my brain tells me to relax and get through these new diagnosis. Find my new normal and take things a little slower. The OCD in my brain tells me to just kick my own booty and get things done. After all, I used to be able to work, tend to my kids and handle the rest of my life and theirs.

In my previous life I needed to strive towards perfection in order to have my ex validate me and even then validation was far and few between.

One thing I’ve come to realize about validation and needing it from others is when I seek it in order to feel good about myself the less my life is my own. Think about it. When we need others to tell us we’re doing a good job or to say we look good, sure, those compliments are awesome but needing those compliments is where the river begins to rage.

Everyone needs, wants and loves a compliment. We’re human. We care what others think of us. It’s when we allow others validation to define our works, that’s when we are giving our worth in a way over to someone else. For example. Take me and my past life. I was such a maniac when it came to needing to have everything done just so. I was on this perfection collision course and guess what. I crashed and burned. I never gave myself the much needed credit I deserved. I allowed my ex to determine if my works and life were enough. Not only for him, but for me. When I didn’t meet his standards I felt like a failure. If he refused to compliment me or give me a job well done, I struggled with an obsession on how I could be better. The more validation I needed the less my life belonged to me.

“Relying on external validation to understand your worth is not sustainable. If you depend on people to build you up, you also give them the same power to break you down. You are worthy regardless of their opinion”.-The Minds Journal.

The above quote is so right. We can’t sustain having others validate our life and our worth. When we give others this much power over our life, the day will come when we “fail” them and then the breakdown begins.

“One morning she woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn’t have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn’t bring her peace. She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking and loyalty wasn’t a word but a lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man or a job, but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.”-Caitlin Houston.

I’ve spent a lifetime seeing my worth through the eyes of someone who didn’t deserve to have me in their life. I’ll tell you, it’s a hard habit to break, seeking validation for everything you do. It’s so easy to fall back into that horrible habit, but as the quote said, “life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.”

I personally still fall into needing to be validated. I think we all enjoy it from time to time and again, that’s okay, but no matter if we’ve met someone’s approval or not, doggone, if you know you’ve given it your all. You’ve done your absolute best. You’ve failed yet tried again. My dear friends that’s YOU taking control of yourself and that’s YOU validating your own worth.

My friends, I am working on practicing this very thing in my life. Deep down I know I’m doing the best I can. I might not look sick on the outside but on the inside my body is at war. If I continue to stay in a cycle of this morbid thinking that I have to be the way I once was, I won’t get to a healthy me. I’ll continue to become weaker and weaker, both physically and mentally.

I just realized. I’ve spent the last 9 years peeling away the person I used to be in an all out effort to become the best me, yet I still seek to outwardly accomplish it all. Instead of accomplishing little things, I accomplish nothing.

It might just be my moment to give myself grace and forgive myself for not being the energetic person I once was.

Wish me luck.

“Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love-you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.”-Eckhart Tolle.

And on that note, I’ll be saying goodnight.

Until next time, don’t forget. Love Life++ Hugs.