Survival mode

Happy Tuesday,

How are all you wonderful and amazing friends doing? Good I hope. All is well here. I am finding something to be grateful for every day. Every morning I spend a little time in my garden. I admire His variety of plants. I love having a helping hand in making the plants and flowers grow. I feel connected to Him when I spend time in His creation. I also decided to pick one thing to not only work on, but master to the best of my ability.

Right now I’m working on having a positive attitude. When I jump in the shower I remind myself to be positive to the best of my ability. Life has been crazy and I am taking each day as it comes. I have missed my writing and connecting with each of you. It seems every time I try and write, my body won’t allow it. Doctors orders: “Listen to your body and rest when it says to stop!”

I’m not used to feeling this way, but the positive attitude does help. It helps me to focus on the good things rather then the negative.

Today I met with two doctors via Zoom. I couldn’t be more thankful for my amazing medical team. They listen and confirm what I am feeling and what I’m going through medically. Dr. Gomez told me that my nerves are reacting in a really negative way to my overall health. This reaction is causing me constant pain. She says I can’t ignore any longer how I handle things. I have to listen to my body. No more fighting back when I need to rest. The best thing is, Dr. Gomez will work more closely with my neurologist. She will get me on a regimen that should help in the long run. John always says, look at the big picture and don’t focus so much on the things you can’t see.

John’s usually right on when it comes to what’s in my best interest and like Dr. Gomez says, I’m pretty lucky to have him in my corner. I think I’m most thankful for his understanding as I work through my health. I never thought I’d feel like this at my age. God sure does have a way of teaching me compassion towards others and I am thankful for that. I know He doesn’t cause my medical issues. I’m sure though He is reminding me every chance He gets that He’s in my corner. He will lead me down the path I need to be on. My job right now is to listen and watch for Him to carry me through. There are others in this world who have it a lot worse than I do. I still take moments from time to time to dive into my pity party mode. Yet, He is always right there. He reminds me in some way that I can’t give up. He also gives me the much needed nudge when I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Sometimes my reminders come by way of a text from a friend. Sometimes John can say the one thing that gives me strength to get off my boot. Sometimes John reminds me it’s okay to take care of me. It’s okay to rest.

I am noticing something about myself. I struggle with asking for help. I think in part it’s because at times when I have asked for help it doesn’t come. Other times, it comes half-assed or with attitude. I’m not good at dealing with that, so, it’s easier to handle things myself. Dr. Gomez said my health won’t allow this mindset any longer. I’m definitely my own worst enemy.

I had to do chores from the time I was a little girl. It started when I was just learning to walk, at least this is what my mother has told me. My parents split up when I was 8. After that, I was given more and more tasks and chores to handle. My mother was working. I learned to take care of myself. When she met her new husband she was rarely around, so I had even more chores. I learned to cook for myself. I learned to do laundry when I was really young. I had a kitty and she was my sole responsibility.

As a teen bride I had to take on the tasks of taking care of a home and a husband. My ex husband was the type of man who believed in the headship role that the church taught. He thought everything around the home was my responsibility and my responsibility alone. It’s a new concept for me now having John who works hard at making my load lighter.

I know I don’t make it easy on him at times. He’s always willing to take on everyone’s chores. This means I don’t have to worry about one more thing. Dr. Gomez says this is how a man sometimes needs to take care of his person. He can’t make me well, but he can lighten my load.

“How do I tell them I need someone? All my life I learned to be independent. I kept my feelings to myself.

I grew up learning how to carry everything on my own. I’ve always been the one who keeps it all together. The one who never asked for help. I was taught that needing someone made me weak, so I became strong. I am not the strong that feels light and free. Instead, I am the kind that holds everything in and never lets anyone see the cracks. I was proud of my independence. I was proud that I never had to ask for help. Now, that same pride feels like a wall I can’t climb over.

The truth is, I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine. I’m tired of hiding my feelings and calling it strength because I do need someone. I need someone to sit with me in the silence. I need someone who sees the weight I carry and who reminds me I don’t have to carry everything alone.

But how do you ask for that when you’ve spent your whole life pretending you don’t need it? How do I tell someone that I need them? I’ve been the one who never needed anyone. All my life I’ve been the one who never needed help, now I do.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with needing someone? Maybe being strong isn’t about doing it all alone, but knowing when to ask for help. The version of me who needs love and softness is just as real. It is as real as the one who’s been holding it all in.”-unknown

This is a concept that is so uncomfortable to me. John works so hard. He’s navigating crazy in his life too, yet I know he’s always willing to help me. It’s me that has a hard time asking him because he does work so hard at his job. I don’t like seeing him have to pick up the slack when I fail. My body is fighting me so hard right now and it’s hard.

I was taught that a good woman. A good wife. A good mother won’t ask for anything. She will do it all on her own.

I was taught to be independent, yet I was told I had no voice. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion. I couldn’t speak up. I couldn’t ask my boys dad, “why don’t you show the boys how to treat a woman? Do you want your sons growing up and thinking it’s the woman’s job to do it all? Household chores should be shared.” I always got the same reply. “The house is your job.”

While the boys aren’t perfect. They definitely have their flaws. I managed to teach them that helping around the house is something they should do. This is especially true when they love their person. From the time they were little, they always wanted to help me. They occasionally copped an attitude, but for the most part, they loved me enough to help me without being asked.

A woman is soft for the man she loves, but she needs to feel safe. She needs to feel supported. When a woman doesn’t feel safe, over time, she builds up resentment.

I’m reading so much. I’m also on this journey down the rabbit hole of binge watching various shows and doc-u-series. These cover cults, polygamy, child abuse, and domestic violence. I’m not playing the victim card, but I am learning that I’ve been in survival mode nearly all my life.

I learned early on that the trauma I was forced to endure proved no one was coming to save me. Even when I asked for help, nobody came.

My son Tommy is a butt, but he’s very intuitive to me. Since he was a little man, he always sensed when I didn’t feel safe. Now, he tells me he wants me to be happy in my new life. He’s grateful that John loves me so much and he still checks in every so often. He wants to make sure I’m taken care of and doing well.

I must have done something right. Having sons who love me as much as they do. I feel safe in John’s love. I know if anything ever happened to him, my boys would be right there picking up the pieces.

I remind my older boys every so often of an important responsibility. they committed to. They need to make sure their wives never feel unsafe with them. If they do, the girls will shut down.

I tell them, if you don’t show up, they will resent you. They won’t ask you for anything, they’ll simply shut down and disconnect. I tell my boys, you were raised knowing how to treat a woman. Always do right by them or let them go. They deserve to have you be their safe haven. They deserve a man who is her rock. I don’t ever want them feeling like they always have to be the strong one. I don’t ever want them to feel lonely in your love. I don’t want them to feel tired because she’s always the one doing it all.

I’ve told my sons. If she is always saying she’s fine, it’s time to sit her down. Listen with everything you’ve got, especially if she begins to pull away from you. If she’s forced to do it all and says she’s fine, she’s actually drowning.

I’m thankful my boys take to heart the things I suggest to them. One of them recently called me and said, “I know you struggled our entire childhood. You did it because you loved us so much. You did everything despite never feeling loved by the one person who was supposed to be your partner.”

My son hit the nail on the head. I replied with, be careful of a woman who is forced to do everything on her own. She will find herself on a mission. A mission to save herself because she knows nobody is coming to save her.

His reply: “I’m sorry you never felt safe. I pray you never feel that way again.”

Right now I’m in survival mode. I do have John’s help and for that I’m incredibly grateful. I just have to learn to accept doctors orders. I have to learn to rest. Not relax. Rest.

I can get better. But it won’t happen if I don’t learn to show myself a little grace. I need to accept when I can’t do it all. I’m almost 57 years old. That’s not old, but it certainly isn’t young.

Dr. Gomez left me with this today:” You are not only having flashbacks. You are not only living with nerve pain, neuropathy, you are living with a nervous system that can’t calm down. Your body is a perfect storm. Perfect for shutting down that is.

I know I’m not allow in my struggles. I know many of you face similar obstacles and some of you face much worse then me.

It’s not easy listening to your body. It’s not easy taking care of yourself. This is especially true when we, as women, are generally born with the nurturing gene. It’s not easy asking for help. Don’t find yourself in my situation. Avoid reaching a point where doctors are saying, “you must rest and take care of your nervous system.”

Life is too amazing to be living in survival mode. Life is precious. Take time to stop and smell the roses. Buy out time to do something you enjoy. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of those you love. Just sayin’.

Well guys, I need to take care of me and hit the sheets. I’m tired. It’s been a long day.

Thank you for stopping by and taking time to read tonight’s blog. I appreciate each and everyone of you.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.

Photo below:

John and I visiting my daddy’s final stop in this life. His favorite beach.