Held back

Happy Friday evening,

How is everyone doing? It’s getting late here in my neck of the woods but I didn’t want to let another night pass without chiming in to say hi.

Did everyone have a good week? Ready for the weekend? I am.

My week was a good one. I got to enjoy taco Tuesday with some friends. I was able to spend an entire day with a really good friend of mine on Wednesday. She had surgery last week so she needed someone to spend the day with her helping her to her surgeons appointment for her post op. We snuck in one quilt store on our outing, even though we only got a few minutes there. She needed some fabric for the backing of some patriotic pillows she made. We enjoyed a nice lunch, then I took her home. She was exhausted.

Wednesday evening John and I enjoyed the covid circle. No, we don’t have covid. The covid circle was started by our amazing neighbors during the pandemic. Now, the name is the same, but no covid and no social distancing. This was our first time going and it was so nice just sitting outside enjoying everyone’s company.

Everyone brings their own drink, a chair and the willingness to enjoy a social hour.

I’ll be honest, I felt a little lost. These folks are so smart and educated. The wealth of knowledge that surrounded me was incredible. While I was a little intimidated it did give me a desire to want to learn more about everything in this world. It was such a great experience. Can’t wait for the next one.

Yesterday I got some time at home and today I had yet another doctor appointment. Funny, I had an appointment with my primary on Tuesday at 9:30 am. Today’s appointment was at 8:00 am. Why am I telling you the times of my appointments? Because they were pretty close in time just a few days apart. From Tuesday until today I’ve gained 8 pounds. My doctor today said she is very concerned, especially since we went over the foods I’m eating. I shouldn’t be gaining, on the contrary, I should be losing.

I know some of my issues are stress related but not to this level. My doctor is looking into my meds and then I’ll do a zoom call with her in another week. She wants to discuss things with a couple of my specialty doctors. UGH… This is getting to be very difficult.

The other night after Taco Tuesday I met up with my niece. She had a couple of things for me, so we met up and spent some time catching up. Somehow the subject came up about a book I’ve been reading (listening to on Audible). Stolen Innocence by Elissa Wall.

The book is about Elissa’s life growing up in polygamy and being forced to get married at the age of 14 despite begging the prophet to let her wait until she was older.

Elissa was, according to her version of the story, raped repeatedly over the course of her marriage. She was mentally, verbally, sexually and physically abused.

Elissa suffered a couple of miscarriages and she lost a baby during her 6th month of pregnancy I believe. She was forced to deliver a still born. She was 15, 16 years old.

This book has been a trigger for me in many ways. Though I didn’t grow up in polygamy, I can relate all to well to Elissa’s story.

Elissa was forced to marry a man who was 20 when she was only 14. While I wasn’t forced to get married at 17, it was highly encouraged by my mother and step-dad. My step-dad used to tell me when I turned 18 I would have to leave his home.

Being indoctrinated and controlled by the cult I was raised in, I didn’t think I had any other choice then to get married. I knew my ex husband all of a couple of months. He was 26, nearly 27 when I married him.

I knew nothing about love. I knew nothing about being a wife. I knew nothing about life outside the very strict home I grew up in.

I went from one fire to another. I lived in constant fear of the beatings I had to endure as a child into my teen years. I was actually beat up until a month before I got married.

Looking back on the early days of my marriage I know beyond all certainty, he never loved me. He was a 26 year old man getting a 17 year old girl. I was so blind to the ways of life. I was a stupid young girl getting married at 17.

I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again, I don’t regret getting married because from my marriage I was blessed with two beautiful and amazing sons. They are my world. I know they will always love me. It’s the most certain kind of love there is. A bond between mother and son is unbreakable.

As I sit here writing tonight’s blog, I had the intention of only giving a glimpse into trying to make my marriage work, yet failing when I came to the realization that I was only property to my ex. Anyway, I’m not sure why my ex is on a rampage right now against me, but he is. As I began to write tonight, he texted me.

You see, during my many endeavors to get this man to fall in love with me, I had decided to do a photo shoot where I had my makeup done along with wearing a pretty nighty. I had given him the book of photos along long time ago.

About two years ago he gave me all the photo albums of our kids and life. I’m not in many of the photos, but the albums I have are priceless to me because they are mostly my kids lives.

So tonight my ex texted me and of course I continue to ignore him. I can’t explain right now why I haven’t blocked him again, but hopefully one day I can. Anyway, around 9 tonight he texted me. He asked me if I wanted this photo album back. First thought that came to my mind was, you gave me every photo album over two years ago and now you ask me if I want that one back. Weird.

So I don’t reply and he texted me again. This time he’s threatening me.

Believe me when I tell you this. The photos aren’t exactly what I’d display around my home. They aren’t nudes. They are done very tastefully, so if even my children saw them it wouldn’t be devastating. Maybe a little embarrassing, only because I’m their mom, but they wouldn’t see anything that would cause me to freak out. They’re my kids, my sons, so I’m not overly concerned with them seeing the album. It’s just the principal of why would he do this, not so much to me, but to them.

In some ways I hope he does do something stupid. I’ve kept quiet all these years about my ex. My kids have an open door to ask me anything, but again, once they know, they can’t unknow it.

The angry me. The hurt me, wants him to screw up and show them the album. Say something. Whatever dumb thing he’s threatening me with, just get it over and let the boys see him for who he truly is.

The mom in me though says, “please don’t do this. Don’t do this to our sons.”

His last text tonight was, “if you don’t respond right now, I’ll…….”

Barking orders after 8-9 years a part. He thinks I’m still his property. The photo album is irrelevant. It’s coming to terms with how little I actually meant to this man. I’m the mother of his children and he wants to try and ruin me with them. Keeping quiet isn’t easy, but it’s a must.

When you realize you were only someone’s property and that someone never loved you, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

When I left my marriage of 30+ years I left with a clear conscious in that I knew I had done and tried everything to make it work. I left nothing undone or unsaid before walking out the door. He sees it differently then I do and that’s okay. If it makes him feel better to say things to me and about me, go for it. Remember this though, once you spew your lies about me, you can’t unsay them.

Be careful. Actions generally come with consequences. Not a threat, simply the truth.

John always says there’s a lesson to be learned in trials. He says there’s a lesson in life and with the actions of others that we might need to learn and sometimes the lessons aren’t ours but someone else’s. Not sure if this is my lesson or my exes. Only time will tell.

When I sit and reflect on what my lesson might be, while I’m not exactly 100% sure, what I am sure of is, through my many failures in life, through my trials and tribulations I am meant to help others not fall prey to the life I lived. Choices are available. The road to freedom isn’t easy, but there are good people in the world and no girl at 17 should even be allowed to date a man who is 26.

I didn’t have the proper tools to be a wife at 17 and I certainly didn’t need to finish being raised by another man who professed to be my husband.

When you get married at 17 you have already learned, or at least I had learned, my feelings, dreams and desires didn’t matter. I was meant to carry on being submissive. Instead of being under the headship of my step dad I was now under the headship of a man I barely knew.

From an early age I learned to suppress my feelings. They didn’t matter anyway. At least that’s how I felt and was made to feel.

“Do you know how many feelings I held back just to prove I wasn’t too emotional?

How many times I wiped my own tears before anyone could see them, just to be strong? How many words I swallowed whole just to prove I wasn’t too much? And how many feelings I locked aways to say I’m fine?

I held back love. I held back pain. I held back everything just to seem okay.

But was I doing it to be strong? Or was I just afraid to be seen, to be known, to be soft, to be vulnerable?

Did I bury my heart so deep inside that even I forgot it was there? Did I build my walls so high that not even I could climb out?

How many times did I go quiet just to be liked, just to fit in, just to feel like maybe I was enough?

But if I had to hide who I really am…

Is it even love at all?”-Dev Mystra

Love should not be something you have to beg for. It should not be something you have to change for.

When two people come together even in the best of situations, it takes more then love to make it work. It takes effort. Mutual respect. Communication. Love is knowing you’re at home and safe while in your partners arms. Love is not fear. It’s not having to walk on egg shells or needing to change so you’ll be liked or loved.

Love is helping one another grow. It’s encouraging one another to become your best true and authentic self. It’s supporting each other. Loving and continuing to love despite the many flaws and imperfections. Love is choosing each other every day despite the hurdles. Love is never making your partner feel less then worthy.

“Maybe one day you’ll understand I never wanted to fight. I just wanted to be chosen. To be safe. To feel like love wasn’t something I had to earn or beg for.

It was never me verses you. It was me trying to protect what we had. Trying to make it work. Trying to show up in the way I wished someone had shown up for me. You saw it as too much. Too intense.

But really, it was just love-

The kind that wanted to stay, not leave. The kind that never wanted you to question your worth, even though you constantly made me question mine.

Maybe one day you’ll realize, I wasn’t trying to control you, I was trying to love you. Even when all you did was push me away.”-Divine Female Empire.

My ex might not have pushed me away, instead, I was more of his property. I did question my worth. I questioned my mind. I chased after love. His love, and for what? To have him now show his true colors.

“I chased your love like it was gold, did everything that I was told. I bent and broke to fit your mold-till all my warmth grew dim and cold.

But then I paused and turned around and planted roots into my ground. No longer reaching out to prove-that I am worthy when I move.

Now every breath I take is mine-and every scar a sacred sign. I’ve left the chase, the noise, the plea-And in the quiet, I found me.”-Choosing yourself after years of trying.-The Past Life.

Nobody should have to chase love. Nobody should force someone to or beg them for love. We are all worthy to be loved in the truest and most genuine way possible.

We all deserve to be put first in someone’s life, even if that someone is you putting yourself first in your own life. When you realize you’ll never be put first in your partners life. When you realize you only fill a void in someone’s life, your world will crumble. You will break, but you are not only strong enough, you are worthy enough to brush off the dust and move on. You are worthy to find who you are meant to be. You are worthy of a forever love. You are enough. Don’t settle. Don’t chase.

I held back for so many years wishing and hoping. I held back on living life. I held back on doing the things I love. I held back on being me. Until one day I stopped holding back.

With fear in one hand and anticipation in the other, I walked out the door into my life.

It hasn’t always been easy, but nothing worth while ever is. The world is a wonderful place. We were all created to enjoy His creations. We were not created to be someone’s property. We were created in His image. In His image we are given love and we give love. If someone doesn’t want to love us, that’s their choice. We get to decide how we want to proceed.

Whatever choice you make just remember this. You are so uniquely and wonderfully made. You are worthy.

Well guys, I’m going to say goodnight for now.

Sleep well and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++ Hugs.