No revenge

Happy Tuesday,

How are you all doing on this fabulous Tuesday afternoon? Boy is it a hot one. We are hitting a nice 91 degrees within the hour. UGH, is it going to be hot. I am thankful we aren’t hitting triple digits just yet.

This morning I did enjoy a little chat time with three of the wonderful ladies who live by me. I felt honored to be invited to an upcoming, no date yet beer and wine balcony style with a new neighbor. This amazing lady said she wants to invite a few of us gals over soon to enjoy some chatting and her wonderful new balcony with some drinks. I can’t wait. I am beyond blessed to live amongst some pretty incredible, strong and gifted ladies.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to live in a community like this. John and I are beyond blessed to be here in the lake and we are accepted by our neighbors. Pretty cool.

It’s on mornings like today when I walk the pups for a brief moment and I get to stop and talk to a few of the neighbors. It’s always a nice reminder of how blessed I am. Living here with John is incredible.

Thursday evening John and I get to go and enjoy dinner with an amazing couple who are not only neighbors, but friends. I just love this couple to pieces and I’m excited to go out with them, that is if the wife is feeling better. She caught some nasty cold and wasn’t feeling well last week. She’s a go getter though. She’s always out walking her pup Ziggy.

Being surrounded by a wonderful community always helps ease my anxiety, especially when I’m on high alert or when I’ve been triggered. Going out side and working in my garden or cleaning the back yard always helps refocus my attention to something more positive.

This morning I moved my little bird bath that John’s mom got me to my front yard garden. I figure this way more people can enjoy it when they’re out walking. While moving it and placing it in just the right spot I knew it was meant to be. Moving it that is. My neighbor was also outside and she suggested I add some glass rocks to the bottom of it. She said something about the reflection attracts the birds. So she gave me a few and it looks amazing.

After I was done getting the bird bath all set up, my neighbor then showed me something that was truly a gift from God. She has a little lantern hanging from under her front balcony. Nestled inside the lantern is the tiniest little nest. On top of the nest was a little hummingbird. The mama made a nest and was sitting on top of her little eggs and this mama bird had no problem us looking up at her and talking. She felt really comfortable having us there. I’m hoping the hummingbird will allow me to get a photo or two so I can share it with you.

Yup, moving the bird bath and filling up my little hummingbird feeder today was meant to be. If I didn’t do this today I might not have ever known there was a mama hummingbird and her babies nesting just a couple feet away. What a gift this morning has been.

Even having therapy this morning was a huge help. I was triggered last night by something I read and all I can say is, I’m thankful for my therapist. She is amazing at giving me the tools to cope with certain negatives in my life.

Yesterday, when I received the email it really got my anxiety on high alert. While this person I have no doubt meant well, he did trigger my fight or flight response, which in turn caused a flair up with my nerves. I barely slept I was in so much pain. Oh well, I’m learning that PTSD and in my case, complex PTSD can cause flairs.

In the email I received the person who sent it first said: “The only thing you can control is forgiving them.  It is the only thing you have power to do to heal emotionally.”

I wasn’t sure why this triggered me, but it did. When I spoke to my therapist I understood why. You see, this person isn’t trained in trauma responses, he’s trained in other things in life. My therapist pointed out to forgive this person or to even respond should they approach me and say “I forgive you,” is giving my power back to them.

Like I told my therapist, I don’t feel anger towards anyone. I’m just not at a point to say, I forgive you. I’m not sure if this makes any sense, but to me, I can forgive. I can move on and I can move forward, but I don’t need to say those words to the persons who’ve caused me so much stress and anguish. I can forgive in my heart. Not hold a grudge and move on.

Understanding that having the suggestion to say to these persons, “I forgive you,” is a trauma trigger. It’s okay to move on and not have to have a conversation with those that inflicted pain and suffering in my life. It’s not for me to forgive to those levels anyway, is it? Isn’t that something that needs to be left to God?

He says, throw your burden upon Me. I will not let you carry more then you can handle.

1 Peter 5:7 ESV-Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. – ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭10:13‬b ‭NIV‬‬.

Keeping these scriptures in mind along with this timely quote I read is what, along with John’s strength and support, it’s what will carry me through:

“No revenge because I don’t want to become like the people who hurt me. I don’t want to carry the same anger or pain in my heart. I don’t want to live a life where I cause others pain. I don’t want to make anyone feel what the same sadness and suffering that I once felt. I know how much it hurts and I would never want to be the reason someone else feel that way. I don’t want their action to change who I am. I don’t want their bad choices to turn me into someone I am not.

Instead, I want to heal. I want to let go of the pain. I want to move forward even if it’s not easy, even if it takes time. I want to feel free from the heavy feelings that come with holding a grudge. I want m heart to feel light again, because in the end, revenge doesn’t really fix anything. It doesn’t undo what happened. It doesn’t erase the pain or make the past disappear. It just brings more hurt. More anger. More sadness and I don’t want to live in that cycle.

I just want to be someone who chooses peace, even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts, because that’s the kind of person I have always been and always will be.”-unknown

I was told that my triggers may always be a part of my life. It may take an entire life time to heal. I will always struggle with complex PTSD and I can learn to recognize my triggers and I can learn to work through them.

I’ll always live with it and there will be times it cripples me. Other times I’ll learn to ground myself by working in the garden. Reading a good book. Listening to some music. Surrounding myself with family and friends. Other times, I’ll need John’s reminder I’m experiencing a trigger and then there will be times I need to escape into my own silence.

Whatever it takes to get through my triggers I will do. I’m learning what my limitations are. I’m learning to accept them and I’m learning to embrace the help I need to get through those triggers. Thank goodness John has the patience of a saint. The love of our endless seas. The strength of Zeus. The compassion of Mother Teresa. A heart of gold and a kiss that can melt even the most stubborn at heart.

I am tired. I’m tired of giving those who’ve hurt me so much free rent in my mind. I just want peace. I want to enjoy lake life with John and our boys. I want to keep nourishing my relationships with my daughter in laws. I want to surround ourselves with only each other and with our family and friends.

I am blessed for the life I am finally getting to live even with my disabilities.

Life is crazy. Life is busy. Life is full of uncertainties and life is full of love.

Let go of the negative. Let go of the pain. Own it. Give it it’s respect and let it go and until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.