Never angry, just hurt

Happy Tuesday,

How is everyone doing on this fabulous Tuesday evening? I hope you are all doing amazing. How’s the weather in your neck of the woods? It’s been rather cold here. Not only that, it’s been raining or drizzling off and on the last few days. I love the rain, but when I have to drive in it, ugh, I tend to get a little tense to say the least.

How have you guys all been? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment. I do love hearing from you and I am sorry I haven’t been posting as much. Just a lot going on right now and I am barely treading water, but I’m hopeful things will begin to slow down again, thank goodness.

I had 18 in person doctors appointments in April and 4 zoom doctor appointments. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the care I receive at UCSD and because I had some big time hiccups with my insurance, I had to postpone a few necessary appointments until things got sorted out. Thank goodness UCSD accommodated me and got me in as soon as my insurance issues were handled. Negative, I had to book myself crazy for April. The positive definitely outweighs the negative. I was able to see nearly all my doctors and I even got a few tests done as well. Hands down, UCSD is superior in quality health care. I am truly blessed to have them oversee all my medical needs and concerns.

I have joined the gym again. I’m doing the aqua classes and I’m loving them. I’m even sleeping a little better since getting back in the pool. I’m nearly done organizing my loft and I’m trying to get rid of a few crafting things I don’t use anymore and I can honestly say, I most likely never will use them again. Hopefully they’ll go to a good home where someone else can enjoy them like I once did.

I thought I’d share a little something with you all. I know in my last post I talked about marrying a narcissist. It’s amazing how God works. The day after my post I received a phone call from an old friend. She was my neighbor and my walking buddy for many years. Anyway, my ex ended up with our family home and she still lives near by. She still walks and said every once in awhile she’ll see him.

During our conversation, though I can’t or won’t give all the details, she did tell me that my ex when he sees her will try to engage her in chitty chat. She said she avoids him, however, when conversation is unavoidable he will to this day still berate me to her. He tells her mean and hateful things about me. Some of the things she shared with me were out and out lies. Cruel and vindictive things against my character. I listened and I did try to defend myself on a few things. Then I stopped myself. It wasn’t worth going down that rabbit hole. Basically, what does anything I say to her matter. Justifying or trying to explain anything to her, why?

Near the end of our conversation she made a statement but in question form. “Does he still want to get back together with you?” I paused. I replied: If I called him up tomorrow and said I wanted to come back, he’d say yes.

Does this man love me? NO. Does he want to be with me? NO. Then why would he want me back you may be wondering? I was his property. When I left I damaged his ego.

You can’t love someone and hurt over the loss of a relationship, want someone back while at the same time you are trying to destroy their character, can you?

I’ve come to the realization and I hold true to my word, I will not try and get back at him. I will not try and degrade him or make him look bad to our children. He is their father and they are part of him. I get frustrated and hurt still by the things I hear. It crushes me to receive nasty texts from him. I’ve come close a few times but thank goodness I didn’t do it, but I did think about reaching out to the boys and telling them and sharing with them some of the messages he continues to send me. Instead, I’m grateful that I learned how to silence his messages. I still get them but I have to look to see them. I get zero alerts and that keeps me a lot less stressed. I know I should block him again however, for reasons I can’t share at this time, I need to be able to receive them.

This weekend I ran across a quote and I think it’s quite fitting for the way I feel or felt when I finally found the strength to walk away. While I felt a whole lot of anger, hurt and guilt for a long time, when it was all said and done I’ve let that go. Now I can honestly say, I’m thankful for the sons that came from that relationship and I’m grateful for God using my pain to teach me reliance on him. I feel he’s using me for His greater good and I believe with all my heart He will give me the strength to face many more obstacles along the way. I might struggle, but He’s never forsaken me. He’s always given me what I need.

I know over the course of the next year I will have to be in the same room as my ex. I’ll have to engage with him hopefully on a positive note, but nonetheless our paths will absolutely cross. I’m sure they will over the course of our lives. We do have sons together. I’ll treat him with respect as our sons father. I will treat him kindly. I’ll say a whole lot of prayers before seeing him and I’ll ask for a calm heart and words to bring Him honor and then I’ll do my best to keep my sh*t together and hopefully I’ll be able to leave it in His hands completely because I truly don’t feel anger or hostility anymore. I feel sad for what could have been. I feel a loss for what should have been and I do hope with all my heart that he finds his person. I pray he makes better choices next time, I know I’m more mindful of what I need to work on. I hope I don’t repeat the same mistakes I made in the failure of our relationship.

Relationships are hard work. Starting over is hard. Life is hard, but if we learn from the screw ups, dang, life can be pretty amazing despite the ups and downs. When we find our people, our person, it sure is one heck of a ride and well worth the heartaches and pain to get where home truly is.

“She’s not angry—

She’s just disappointed. She believed in the words, but the words were empty. She’s done with promises, the ones that were never real. She’s tired of hearing sorry, then watching it all repeat. She’s not chasing anyone anymore, she’s not begging to be seen. If someone can’t hold her heart gently, they don’t deserve to hold it at all. She’s choosing herself now, choosing peace over pain. She buried the love she gave and built a better life without them. She didn’t lose them. They lost her.”- credit-Virgo Ace.

For the longest time while I sat in guilt over failing in my marriage I didn’t hear these words spoken above. It’s when I let go of the anger and began to see that it wasn’t all me. I can’t own the entire failed relationship. I can only own my part. I can’t feel guilty for the way I felt or the way he made me feel. My feelings were and are real. My youngest said it best to his fiancé’, “I don’t think my mom ever truly felt loved. Never.” And that’s the saddest part. What I thought I was hiding, he saw. He new me so well that without ever saying those words to him, he knew.

And on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

With all the heartbreak, sadness and loneliness God gave me sons. I just realized something. I spent so many hours, days, weeks, months and years begging God to let me know what true love felt like. While he most definitely answered my prayer when he gave me John, he answered my prayer long before I knew it. He answered it when he gave me sons. While my love for my children is sooooo different then my love for John, God gave me love over 30 years ago and that love came from a loveless relationship.

I am truly humbled in this moment. Thank you Lord for the gifts of my sons. It is because of them that I survived and You again blessed me with the love of a man and his two sons. Boy mom, that is who I am.

Until next time, don’t forget. Love Life++ Hugs.