Life without you

Happy Friday evening,

How is everyone doing this evening? It’s been a moment for sure since we’ve chatted. I haven’t even looked at my email this past week, at least I don’t recall doing so. Yup, it’s been a week. Before I get into catching everyone up, let me ask, how are you? You haven’t been far from my thoughts, and I have missed you guys. Life happened this past week and I’m still trying to catch my mind and body up to what I need to do. Mostly, I need to catch up on sleep.

Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I would love to hear from you. I promise to start catching up on my emails this weekend too. Please forgive me if you’ve reached out and I’ve been silent, it’s absolutely just been super crazy this week.

Monday started out as a good day, and by Tuesday, I was runnin’ like a chicken with my head chopped off. Tuesday I was up at 5 a.m. as I couldn’t sleep. I generally get up by 5:30, but Tuesday, my body said up and at em’ by 5. That wouldn’t have been an issue, except at noon I received a call from my oldest son saying his wife had been in a car accident and he wasn’t sure how she was. He’s working out of town and said he was at least 4 hours from being able to get to her. He said, “mom, can you please go get her and make sure she’s okay?”

I put on my jeans, grabbed John’s keys and walked downstairs. I told him he needed to go pick up Grant from school that day because I needed to get to Kaitlyn. Thank Goodness she was okay. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if being in a state of shock actually helps us at times. She was shaking when I got to her. She didn’t need to go by ambulance thank goodness, but she did need medical attention right away. For every hour that passed the more tight and stiff she became, which made it difficult for her to move around.

I was able to get her to the doctor, she didn’t want to go to the hospital. She really wasn’t banged up. She was more tense, stiff and shocked. Her poor car was only 6 months old.

We saw her doctor who of course sent her for x-rays. I will say, the doctor who she saw that night was not my favorite. Kaitlyn of course gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was just trying to be personable, however, when a young girl whose been in a car accident presents stiff and has a headache and her pain in traveling through her body, you don’t tell her that you totaled a rental car in South Dakota while on your way to the airport and hit an elk who, by the way went flying 100 feet. Don’t tell a young girl that she has major whiplash and to basically, suck it up and go back to work the next day.

Of course Kaitlyn said while she didn’t appreciate all the stories he told about himself and she felt he was a tad creepy, perhaps it’s just the way he tries to ease the tension of his patients.

X-rays came back with severe strain of the neck. He said her whiplash was so bad that even though there was no breakage, it would be similar to having a fracture. I’m just glad she was able to get back to her doctor with the x-rays and he’s working with her now. They’ve also ordered an MRI. I just want her to be okay. Poor girl, she also has moderate scoliosis. This accident certainly isn’t anything she needed as it has exasperated her back pain.

I spent three days with this precious cargo and I was so honored she and my son both felt I was the person for the job in helping her through the first few days. Her mom has taken over and my son will be home late tonight.

He would have come home, however, Kaitlyn is overall, okay. There isn’t much Tommy could have done other then to be there supporting her and loving her. She insisted he stay in Los Angeles for his work. He’s in the restoration business and he’s buried with work and the amount of work he has, well, it will really help he and Kaitlyn with buying their first home this year.

I will assure everyone, Tommy and Katie talk all day, every day. He calls me and her mom to make sure she’s okay and Tommy knows Nancy and I will take good care of his everything. I’m glad he was able to keep working and I’m glad she is so supportive and I’m beyond proud of how they both take care of each other. We’re all family and we all step in and step up to help each other.

So that’s been the majority of my week. The hardest part is, getting up at 5 on Tuesday and with my adrenaline being on overdrive worrying about Kaitlyn, I couldn’t sleep that night. My Fitbit said I slept all of an hour. I wasn’t able to fall asleep until after 10 on Wednesday in which I only slept 4 hours. Had to be back up at 5 on Thursday and today. So according to my watch I’ve slept all of 13 hours in the last 4 days. I’m a tad tired for sure. I’m grateful John will be getting up and taking care of the pups tomorrow for me. I’m hoping I can sleep in a little bit.

John is my rock and he can read me better then I read myself most of the time. Tonight we had a long talk about how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. He knows I’ve been off for awhile. I tried to tell him I’m just tired, but he said he felt it was more. I know I’ve been overwhelmed lately. We talked about that too. He said when I make everything a priority nothing will ever get done. I need to really take time to prioritize things in the order they need to be done in.

We had a long talk and we also discovered that sometimes my mood swings are more intense then other times. We can talk about that later as I do need to share with you at some point how I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression. Anyway, I admitted to John that I stopped my anxiety meds awhile back because they make me super tired and I can’t be tired when I have the responsibilities I have. We agreed to start me out slowly again on my medication so my body can work up to accepting it and hopefully taking it only in the late afternoon, I won’t be tired in the morning when I have to get up. Fingers crossed.

After John and I talked in great lengths, he went back into his office to finish up some work and I went into the kitchen to muddle around and clean up a bit. We agreed to finish what we needed to get done then for the rest of the evening we’ll have cuddle time. I love our cuddle time, though tonight, I’m sure I’ll be sleeping before my head hits the pillow. Meds are kicking in.

While I was washing dishes I remembered something Goldie Hawn said in her book. When asked about her relationship with Kurt she said one thing she and he agreed upon was to always put effort into their relationship without becoming complacent. She said that they work together on ensuring their love never dies. Goldie also said, “ask yourself this question about your partner; can I imagine life without him/her? Can I picture what my life would look like if they weren’t in it?”

I tried to think of what my life would look like if John weren’t in it and I couldn’t. Everywhere I looked, he was there. Every thing in my life involves him to some level. He’s the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last I want to talk to as I lay my head on my pillow. When something happens in my life he’s the first person I want to tell. Everything in my life is something I want to share with him. I may take my yearly girl cruise or two, but he’s the one I want to tell about my day. He’s the one I want to ask, ‘does this dress look okay on me? Is this outfit a good choice?”

My life without John doesn’t exist anywhere in my mind. He is my life and the one I want to spend the rest of it with. Life without John would be lonely and I’d have a void in which I’m not sure could ever be filled. When I tell him he’s my forever and my last love, it’s true. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t think anyone could ever fill his shoes.

John is kind, loving, compassionate tossed with a tad of stubborn. He’s happy and he loves me. Nobody has ever treated me or loved me like he does. He’s my world, my hopes, my dreams. He’s my best friend. He’s my lover and my confidant. He guides me towards my dreams and there is never a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me he loves me.

Sure, he’s a pain in my boot sometimes. Let’s face it. Men are sometimes just that, men and they get underfoot, but when I stop and think about the messes he makes, the silly things that bug me. When I stop and think about life without his quirks, it would be quiet and lonely. Our home would be empty of his silliness, love and laughter. The warmth of our home would become cold.

Life without John, I can’t even begin to imagine it nor do I want to. I’m in love with this man who falls asleep to the TV. I’m in love with the man who is stubborn and I’m in love with the man who has fallen in love with me. Simple, quirky and at times, a little brain foggy. I drive him crazy, yet he still loves me. I test him at times and I on occasion have been known to push him away out of pure fear he would one day leave me. I’ve come to the conclusion though, I’d rather spend every day loving him and should he ever leave, I’ll hold onto the love we shared. Loving him is my life and being loved by him is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.

I am blessed with the love God has placed into my life even though I at times fail to see it. There are times my brain becomes so foggy that I brain fart just how loved I am. I have a man who made me his queen. I have sons who love me not only as their mom, but as their friend. I have amazing brothers, two older, two younger, well, actually three younger, but we’re only counting two. Jesse, my mothers son disowned me many years ago, and that’s okay, but that’s an entirely different beast of a story I’ll share with you someday soon.

Anyway, my dad told my brother Donald, “your sister may be older then you and Jimmy, but she’s your sister, so you make sure you and your brothers always take care of her and make sure nobody breaks her heart.” Donald told dad he would always look out for me and he spoke on behalf of all my brothers and said, as long as she has brothers, she’ll always be looked out for. We’ll always protect her.

I can’t imagine life without the amazing men in it. John, our sons, my brothers. God truly does know what’s best for us.

Well guys, it’s getting late and I’m beginning to fall asleep. Meds are kicking in. I will ask, please forgive me if there are typo’s or if something doesn’t make sense. I can feel the fog setting in brain.

I hope to check in again tomorrow with everyone.

Have the greatest of weekends and don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.