Raised to judge, here’s an example

Happy Super Bowl Sunday,

It’s almost time for the kick off for Super Bowl 59. Will you be watching today’s game with the Chiefs and Eagles? I’ll be watching some of the game. I’m not a huge football kinda gal, but John loves the commercials so we’ll be tuning in here and there I’m sure. I think I’ll do a little Diamond Art while watching the game along with doing a little cooking. Footballs always been something my boys enjoyed and since they’re doing their own thing today, I’ll be watching football John’s way, which is way more relaxed and not as intense.

I wanted to touch base with everyone before the big kick off and talk a little more about judging. I’ve been really thinking tons about this subject and I can’t help but have my mind go back to the days when I was in the cult of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Stepping away from and completely out of this religion/cult I can see more clearly how I was raised to judge anyone who wasn’t a part of that faith. From the time I was 2 until the time I left at the age of 48 I was very judgmental, not because I wanted to be, but because I was told to be. I was a good little JW soldier and did as I was told, at least on the outside.

The JW’s believe in something called disfellowshipping. This is basically a punishment for sinners who go and confess their sins to three men, elders in the church who then will judge you and decide if you are repentant of the sin you confessed too. They claim to pray to God and then through some sort of Holy Spirit they are guided to make their decision of punishment. One thing is for sure, I don’t believe God has his hand in any sort of punishment towards “wrongdoers” in that cult. Let me explain.

My nephew was disfellowshipped when he was 17 years old. His senior year in high school. He was madly and deeply in love with a girl in the religion who was 14 at the time. The two couldn’t stay away from each other. Both were equally guilty of contacting one another despite being told by their parents and the congregation they couldn’t talk outside of the parents ear range and in a public setting.

Well I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, when teenage hormones are at play, mmmm, you don’t always get the teens to conform to what the witnesses were referring to as council from Jehovah by means of the Holy Scripture and of course, the congregation elders and the two teens parents. I do agree, the teens should have heeded the parents wishes, especially since the girl my nephew was madly and deeply in love with was still quite young. I will also say girls do grow up rather quickly these days, at least that’s my opinion.

My nephew was wrong 100% for continuing to go against the wishes of not only his parents but the girls parents and yet, the romance continued until one day they were caught in her bedroom, him licking whip cream off her breasts while in his under chonnies. So much could have gone wrong should they have ended up under the sheets together at that time and I wish I could say thank goodness they were caught and in some way I’m glad they were because of their ages especially hers, but in other ways, I’m sorry they were caught. Here’s why.

In no way am I minimizing my nephews disrespect for being at this girls home when he was asked by her parents to stay away, however, I can’t let the girl off the hook either. She invited him over while she thought her parents would be out for hours and hours. I’m sure you can imagine the surprise on her face when her dad walked in on her having her breasts suckled by my nephew. What does this all have to do with judging? Well, they both were called before the church elders to give in full detail a confession of the sin they were not only accused of committing, but caught doing. The sin fell under the umbrella of fornication even though they hadn’t done the deed.

My nephew was disfellowshipped for the offense of greed and the girl, she was slapped on the hands by the elders. Nothing happened to her, but for him, he was cast out of the religion/cult for over a year. He had to endure humiliation by being at all the church services and being shunned by everyone. Nobody could talk to him.

At that time I judged the girl for doing this to my nephew and I judged the religion/cult for implementing such a harsh punishment on my him. Even though I was told I had to shun my nephew I couldn’t do it. I still talked to him and I still allowed my son to have a relationship with his cousin, even though I was threatened with being disfellowshipped myself.

How can two people commit the same sin, be involved in the same sin and one gets a harsher punishment because he’s a guy and the girls dad was an elder in the congregation and my nephews dad wasn’t. My nephew was disfellowshipped for greed because the elders told him he was greedy for his obsession for the girl. Not sure he was obsessed, perhaps just horny. At any rate I went against direct orders to shun him. I couldn’t wrap my head around him being disfellowshipped and her not. I also couldn’t wrap my head around judging my nephew for something he said he was sorry for.

Oh, by the way, he ended up marrying the girl just 3 years later. They have a little girl and she’s living the JW life to the fullest and him, well, let’s just say, he talks the talk, but when nobody’s looking, he certainly isn’t walking the walk. He just continues in the cycle of conforming to how he was raised. This same nephew shunned me for the first 6 years that I was out of the church and now, he’s softened up a little and he even comes to my home, without his wife and kiddo of course. She wouldn’t step foot in my home and that’s okay. Sad, but okay.

I was told early on in my life that people who weren’t JW’s were bad association. We were to treat them nicely but we couldn’t associate with them. We had to be nice to them because it was a way of love bombing. Oh, I mean, it was a way to show people that we were the only true religion on earth because of the love not only among ourselves, but for the love we showed others.

I believe now, looking back on the way I was raised, judging others was taught at nearly every congregation meeting and at all of the religious conventions I was forced to attend. Even in the religions/cults books and magazines, the undertone of how bad everyone and everything in the world is and was continues and the only safe and loving place is within Jehovah’s only true religion.

To this day I am trying to rid myself of judging and it’s not always easy. John says sometimes I have a black and white kind of thinking or a right and wrong with nothing in between. He’s right! I do however, try and be aware of this mindset or programming within myself and I try and avoid it.

Being raised to believe there is no room for errors and certainly no room for perception or interpretation of any given situation carries over into a lot of my life. I had to be perfect and making mistakes wasn’t allowed even though the JW’s preached we are all sinners. I’ve never felt my good was good enough and I struggle with not judging myself. I’m sure you would agree, we tend to judge ourselves in the harshest of ways.

It’s not my place or anyone’s place for that matter to stand in judgement of another, that’s God’s job. What is our job is to judge if we feel certain people or situations are in line with our core values. Like Kimberly from http://bucketsonabarefootbeach.com/ mentioned in a comment to me, there is a fine line between judging and setting boundaries. Sometimes we need to judge in order to keep our boundaries safe and I believe this is the healthier way to look at people and situations.

Before Kimberly’s comment to me I struggled with finding a balance in judging. While I don’t think we have the right to judge and set our judgement boundaries upon others, judging does have it’s place.

I was raised to judge and live in a very black and white world. I was nearly forced to judge my nephew and shun him and I was told to not associate with those outside the cult in which I was raised. I was taught in a very subtle way to judge, heck the message we shared at peoples doors was one of doom and gloom. Become a JW or die at Armageddon, but that’s an entirely different type of judging that we can talk about in a latter blog.

This subject of judging sure is weighing on me and bringing up a lot of feelings I thought I was over, however, that’s not the case and that’s okay. I’m glad I’m facing this subject because I’m ready now to face it head on. I’m ready to open my heart and mind and find what is truly comfortable for me when it comes to making judgement calls.

In my life I’ve judged and been judged. I’ve been told I had to judge others based upon a belief system that I wasn’t fully embracing and now that I’ve found my voice through blogging, I’m excited to tackle the unraveling of the bigger picture of judging and what it looks like moving forward. You with me? I sure hope so. I hope more then anything that you chime in and continue to give me food for thought.

This is the mindset I believe was always buried deep within me, however, I allowed myself to adopt the judging way of life at least on some level and most likely on a level that I’m not proud of. One thing I am proud of is my lack of being firm in this belief system or what some may call wishy washy. It allowed my children to develop their own way of setting their own boundaries for who they wanted to be around and to this day, if they don’t like something someone does and continues to do, they walk away. No judgement regarding the person other then, they choose their boundaries without certain individuals in their lives and that’s the way is should be.

I’m glad I can use my own critical thinking skills to be more open minded to what judging looks like. I even learned this week that it’s okay to judge for our own mental well being and safety while at the same time not putting our opinions and expectations for what others should do regarding certain people and situations. There’s a definite balance in judging and I look forward to more open and honest discussions with you all in the days ahead.

My dear readers, I’m so happy to be on this journey with you all. Please give me some feedback here. I love our chats and I appreciate you stopping by and taking time out of your busy day to spend it with me.

Enjoy Super Bowl Sunday and until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.