Am I judging?

Posted byDawnaPosted inabandoning, drama, judging, Mel RobbinsTags:, , , ,

Happy Wednesday everyone,

How is everyone doing on this wonderful Wednesday evening? We are officially half way through the week and approaching the weekend with the possibility of rain. Heaven knows we could use a little around here. What are your upcoming plans for the weekend? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you all.

Tonight I wanted to chat about judging and what that could mean in our world and within our own families. First, what does it mean to judge someone? According to Dictionary.com, to judge means to “form an opinion or conclusion about.”

When someone exhibits behaviors that bring a lot of chaos to certain situations, communities and/or families, it is then that we need to decide if being around this person is in our best interest.

Perhaps a person isn’t doing something intentionally to bring drama or toxicity to our lives or the lives of those around us, however, by their own decisions, drama and toxicity follow. What then? Again, it is my opinion that we need to evaluate the situation and decide if we can continue to be around these types of people.

Recently I was told about a situation where someone was bringing lots of drama to their environment which is/was causing a lot of disruption in the lives of many people. I asked what the solution is or was for the situation and was told, “those of us collectively impacted by the persons behavior have decided it’s not in our best interest to associate with the person. We will be polite and treat the person with respect and consideration.” Some have declared they will treat the person with empathy, love and kindness all while keeping a safe distance.

I haven’t walked in any of these folks shoes, therefore, their decisions are 100% on point. It would be crazy for me to judge the situation as I haven’t been impacted by it directly, not like others have anyway. What has impacted me is knowing the situation and having to decide to be involved or politely decline any further talks.

I have chosen the latter. I think most of the folks involved in the situation are doing the same moving forward. One person said they wish the individual nothing but the best, however, they can’t continue with having their own life disrupted anymore.

Recently I was listening to Mel Robbins and she made the statement, “if it looks like shit, smells like shit, most likely it is shit. Watch your step.”

I feel some people are magnets to drama whether they intentionally go looking for it or not. They could absolutely have the kindest of hearts the most giving of dispositions and the best of intentions, however, they seem to draw so much chaos into their lives and to the lives of those in their world.

The above situation has heavily weighed upon my heart, especially for those affected by this persons negative influence in their home. I’ve prayed a lot about it and asked God, “what can I do? Is there something I’m supposed to do with the knowledge I have regarding this situation that was shared with me?”

I’ve come to the conclusion, there is nothing I can do or say to change anything at this time. I feel as long as I don’t stand in judgement of this person should I come into their company, then I don’t need to seek this person out. At the end of the day, I don’t need to invite drama and discontent into my life and I need to make sure that I’m always keeping my family at the forefront of my actions so as not to disrupt our lives collectively.

I haven’t walked in the shoes of the person who was spoken about and I don’t know their inner demons or why they make certain choices that obviously have affected others in their life. I can’t judge someone I know little about and I can’t state what my opinion of their choices, good or bad are. I am sorry for the disruption of peace in the home of those who reside either with or near this person.

I feel wholeheartedly that the person and/or persons who’ve spoken to me about their family nemeses, they are struggling with abandoning this person who they once called family and/or friend. They struggle because they’ve made many a suggestion on how to handle life, however, at the end of the day, it’s up to this person to decide what’s in their best interest and if that means going against the majority of their family and friends, then so be it. They have to then carry the burden of their choice whatever that may look like.

The person who talked to me about the person being talked about here told me, “my friendship did and continues to come from a good place. I just can’t take the constant negative that their blatant disregard for the feelings of others brings into my life.” This same person said they are struggling with the feeling of abandoning someone they care deeply about, however, they continued by saying, “I can’t continue to be a doormat. I can’t be there to always pick up the pieces when this person never tries to help themselves or follow the direction or advice others have offered.”

While it is of our own free will and choice to follow the advice of others, at the end of the day we can’t expect different results with the same ideas and continued actions that led to the mayhem that entered our life.

I am told that this person has repeatedly asked for help and guidance from the more mature people in their world and 9 out of 10 times they agree with it then disregard it like the advice was never a second thought. You can’t help those that refuse to be helped. I just hope when and if this person decides they want a different outcome for the nothing but disaster in their world, it’s not too late. Sometimes people wash their hands of us and there’s no coming back from that. They’re done and we need to accept it, after all, who was it that brought the drama and unease to their world. The person who refuses either intentionally or unintentionally to ignore all cries for change, that is the one who brought this all about. Makes my heart hurt, however, if the pattern for bad behaviors continue folks have no other option than to seek peace in their worlds without the chaos magnet.

One thing I would ask each person who is being affected by this persons influx of drama into their lives, ask yourself, “am I judging? Am I judging unfairly of their continued actions? Hard questions to ponder for oneself, but a must if we are seeking His approval on any given situation. Just my opinion.

More to ponder on: Are we judging to the point of making a rash decision out of frustration, or are we truly just at the end of our rope and can’t take any more drama? If we’ve chosen to walk away from a person, are we doing so for our own peace and freedom from continued chaos or are we forming an opinion based upon what others have said?

It’s a lot to think about and I respect the choices each and everyone of the people I know who have been impacted by this person make. Being family or being a friend doesn’t mean you can automatically receive a get out of jail free card. Sometimes you need to be held accountable for your choices and when your family and or friends have spoken to you repeatedly and begged for a change you can’t expect them to be on board to putting in the efforts to save you from what is almost certain to be, imminent disaster in your world.

The Bible says we reap what we sow. Sow chaos, expect it in return. Treat others as though they don’t matter, don’t be surprised when they walk away.

In no way should we ever wish harm on our family member or friend whatever the case may be, however, at the end of the day life is hard enough. People don’t need any further stressors in their life and they certainly don’t want to live with someone who is bringing about serious dangers to their mental health.

We need to treat others with respect. We need to show love and compassion along with empathy and consideration for their situation in life, however, in no way do we need to be the mat they wipe their feet on. You never know what’s on the bottom of those shoes.

I saw this quote, “if it smells like BS, looks like BS, it’s BS. Putting sugar on shit doesn’t make it a brownie.”

Let that sink in. All I can say to those of you affected by the drama kings and queens in your families and in your worlds is remember, some things are never going to come out looking like a yummy dessert.

Well guys, that’s all I have for tonight. Go give your loved ones a hug and hold them close and if that one little piggy in the family or friendship group decides to whaler in the mud, let them. I only ask that you pray they return to making better and wiser choices.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.

27 thoughts on “Am I judging?”

  1. I do not judge people as I do not believe it is my place to judge anyone as there is only one true judge that being God, unless you are on trial then the judge and jury judge you but that’s not the same. I won’t say I have never judged someone because I am sure I have but it isn’t something I knowingly do, maybe when I was younger I did it more often.

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    1. Hi Joanne,
      thank you for your comment. I’m sure at one time or another we’ve all judged someone and I do agree with you, it’s not our place to judge, only Gods.
      I think judging and like Kimberly Vargas Agnese said, there’s a difference between judging and setting boundaries which leaves so much more to talk about. Mary Doyle also brought up good points too, judging others when it comes to our own safety because they aren’t in a mentally healthy place.
      I am loving the comments because it’s opened the doors to amazing feedback and more to talk about in future blog posts.
      Hugs to you my dear friend and thank you for giving me so much more to think about

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  2. There is a difference between judging another human being, as in setting forth a sentence for them of what they deserve, or what they’re worth, and setting a boundary. Without boundaries the world would lack definition. The skin in which we live, in and of itself is a boundary, stating to everything around us, you may come this close and no further, you may not visit my bones or heart. Every single day we make subtle judgements based on preferences. Preferences are really just a series of small judgements about what we want or don’t want to add to our lives. We live in a world which has taken the idea of not judging found in Scripture to mean licentiousness, or boundary- less, which ultimately leads to anarchy. While I recognize that you are speaking of a well meaning person, I think analyzing the importance of what exactly is meant by a world devoid of judgement could apply. We must judge whether or not something is beneficial to us, because what we accept near us can also become part of what ends up define us.. our skin.

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    1. Hmmm, this is so interesting Kimberly. Thank you for chiming in and pointing out the differences between setting boundaries and judging. I love your analogy about our skin being a boundary to our bones and heart.
      You are right in that we do need to judge if something is beneficial to us.
      One point you made that really hit home for me is judging what is beneficial to us because what we are accepting as okay in our lives could define us.
      The person I wrote about has so much negative that surrounds their life and others who’ve spoken to me about this person say to me, “be careful, this person is not someone we want in our community/family,” which makes me feel like if I were to be around this person on a level more then just a simply hi when passing by could jeopardize my credibility with those I admire and respect.
      You’ve given me so much to think about.
      Thank you my friend.
      Hugs to you

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  3. In my opinion, we do have to make judgments for our own safety. It’s what we do next that matters. I’ve had more people than I can count in my life who bullied me. I understood their actions had nothing to do with me. They were not mentally healthy and saw me as an easy target. I take a lot and try to be understanding and sympathetic, but if it makes no difference, I sever ties. Too much of my life has been spent trying to please other people who can never be pleased. This is an important topic, Dawna. Thank you for raising it today.

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    1. Makes total sense and you are right, we do have to make judgements when it comes to our safety.
      Being bullied is never okay even if the person is not mentally healthy. While not trying to sound rude because I don’t mean it to come across that way, I do feel sometimes people use their unhealthiness or mental illness to justify their negative and bad behaviors. I know some outburst and such can’t be helped, yet at the same time, I feel society has allowed bad behavior because they say their child is ADHD or ADD or they have bipolar. I can’t help but wonder if behaviors would change if they were taught early on that even though they struggle with a mental illness it’s still not okay to bully or spew negative words to others?
      I applaud you for being able to cut ties because some folks will always take advantage of someone’s kindness and sympathy.
      I’m like you, I’ve spent all of my life including my life now trying to please others and caring too much about how they view me and I put their happiness above my own.
      I feel there’s so much more to talk about regarding judging others, bullying and being the person who gets walked on.
      Hugs to you my dearest friend. Enjoy your day.

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  4. When I was actively teaching Special Ed., teachers actively worked with both parents and student to help the kids , for lack of a better word, behave themselves. We felt that excuses for poor behavior based on neurodivergence or mental illness was unacceptable, and harmful to the child. Our goal was to teach the children how to behave acceptably and hold them accountable for it.

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    2. I think that’s great! It seems to me that so many people, kids and adults get aways with bad behavior because they aren’t held accountable. It seem like society has adopted this mind set that it’s wrong to hurt feelings because we as parents, friends, even co-workers don’t speak up when others are displaying negative words and behaviors.
      We’ve gotten so far from holding others and ourselves accountable. My opinion anyway.
      I wish there were more teachers like you that held students, even those with special needs accountable, yet again, it seems like that’s not even allowed anymore. Parents collectively don’t allow teachers to have authority over their children, my opinion again.

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      2. Me too. What seems like such an easy fix is so complicated by this fear of upsetting someone, particularly our children. Heaven forbid if they should learn the word no and more importantly, learn boundaries.

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      2. Oh gosh, me too. I’m still wound a little tighter then I’d like, but having Mel’s words in my head, I do let things go a little more often now.
        Being flexible is way better for our health too.

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  9. I believe we’re in a day and age where “judging” is a form of entertainment. That includes classic ones like another person’s religion and newer ones like a post on X. These get externalized (if they are good bait for receiving clicks) by forms of media large and small, which validates the judging and can cause it to spiral into a larger mess. I don’t think people (in general) are setting out to be judgmental, but if it’s part of a larger movement, then they might not be aware that they are being judgmental. Take care Dawna! Great post!

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    1. Thank you and I agree, judging very well could be a part of entertainment and that is sad and even sadder that folks might not be aware they are judgmental. You’ve given me lots to think about.

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