Why stay

Happy Friday night,

How is everyone doing on this amazing Friday evening? Work week done? I hope your week was as spectacular as you. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the weekend. I have signed up for two writing classes for this weekend, so I’m super excited about that. They’re early morning, so that will still give me and John the entire day to simply be together, well except Sunday. Sunday is his morning breakfast with the guy group, then his mom and dad will be bringing Grant home.

John’s dad, big John is going to help John put up some shelves in Grants room which is much appreciated and needed. Grant has built so many Lego pieces that he’s running out of room to display them. Hopefully the shelves will help him organize and enjoy his creations.

I’ve been working with my friend the last couple of days trying to get ready for our podcast. We’re pretty close to being able to record and hopefully by the first of next month we’ll be able to launch. I’ll make sure to keep you all posted. I can’t wait to get your feedback.

Today before I met with my co-host and friend and I was talking with another dear friend of mine. We were talking about the upcoming podcast and she said she hopes that during the course of our podcast that we talk about something she’s asked herself many times. “Why do women stay in relationships of abuse. Not all physical. Some verbal. Some emotional. Some just empty.

Since our chat this very question has been weighing on my mind. While I’m no expert, I can give my opinion. I can give my thoughts from my own experiences, yet at the end of the day, I don’t have an answer.

I suppose the next question that comes to mind would be, do women stay because they are weak? Maybe to some degree. Maybe they stay because they are stronger then they think. In some cases it takes great strength for women to stay, especially if it’s for the children.

Now before you all get upset with me for saying it’s because of the children and that children are better off in a divided home rather then in a home of abuse, I agree. Children should not have to grow up in a home of physical, verbal or mental abuse, but and this is a big but, sometimes we as mothers think we’re hiding the verbal and mental abuse from our children. Sometimes we take the beatings and stay so our children aren’t left alone with the abusive parent on an every other weekend split. Sometimes we think we’re protecting our kids from the mental and verbal abuse by putting on a happy face and pretending the words don’t hurt.

There are many reasons why a woman stays and I believe every situation is different and every woman deserves the love and support for whatever choice she makes in these circumstances.

I don’t think there’s a real answer as to why we stay in abusive relationships. I believe we handle the situation with the skills we have at that time. It’s easier to sit back and judge someone., but we must remember, we’re not walking in their shoes. It’s easy to sit back after 10.20.30 years and second guess every decision we, the abused women made.

Until we’ve walked in someone shoes, we can’t truly understand and answer the question, why stay? Even the abused woman much of the time doesn’t really know why they stay. Some stay out of pride. Others stay because they are guilted by their abuser to stay. Perhaps they stay because they’ve been so beaten down either physically, verbally or emotionally. Sometimes there is no logical reason other then as women we aren’t always taught skills or given the strength or reassurance from our childhood on how to cope with these type of situations after all, this could still be considered a taboo subject.

I believe as parents we raise our children to know they are loved, at least I hope that’s the goal of all parents, however, I don’t think we raise our children or daughters with the coping skills on how to handle situations like abuse should they face it in their own lives.

I believe it’s something we need to teach our kiddos from an early age that if they’re ever faced with being hurt in any way, it’s okay to come home. It’s okay to leave. It’s okay to toss our pride out the window and start over.

My mother told me when I walked out the door to get married at 17, “when you walk out that door, you are no longer my responsibility and you are never welcome back.”

Believe me, I did think twice before walking out that door. I also thought long and hard about what my step dad told me. “When you’re 18 you need to leave. You need to pack your bags and move out.’

I felt I had no choice but to walk out my mothers front door and walk through the door of my soon to be husband and marry him. At least I’d have a place to call home. I was a scared 17 year old girl who went from a controlling mother to a controlling husband. I suppose what choice did my ex have other then to take on the role of head of the household and create a hierarchy within our marriage. I was too weak to speak up and he was a grown man who was given power by the church we were both so involved in. I suppose I can’t blame him for who he was. I gave him the power. I fed into his power and I encouraged it, hence, I’m not sure I was a victim of abuse. Perhaps I was a victim of my own self destruction.

Just because I don’t take on the abused title doesn’t take away what other women have gone through nor does it minimize what I went through. Even though I struggle with my past circumstance in no way am I saying what and how my ex treated me was right, it wasn’t. I chose to stay because I thought it was in the best interest of my children. In some ways my decision was the best. In some ways, it wasn’t. I can’t go back and undo things. All I can do is move forward and perhaps you’ll see yourself in my story and make a more informed decision in your own life.

There is no right or wrong answer. We don’t walk in the shoes of anyone other then our own. It’s my hope that through my blogs and podcast that I can help someone suffer a little less in life then I have. My life wasn’t all bad. I got two sons whom I adore and that love me back.

My dear readers, there’s so much hurt in this world. So much hurt imposed on our children and spouses. We make decisions, at least I hope we make decisions based upon what skills and knowledge we have at the time of whatever is happening in life. I hope we don’t always act on impulse, though sometimes that’s appropriate too.

Why do we stay in abusive and what we perceive as abusive relationships? I can’t answer that for you. I can only answer it for myself. I chose to stay in a marriage where I allowed someone to put me down. Instill in me I wasn’t ever good enough. I gave away my power to have my own opinions. I allowed someone to be head of our home to the level that I learned to talk when spoken too. Questions were prohibited and yet, I still loved him and I didn’t want to break up my family.

One day when my children were grown I woke up. I woke up from the emptiness I felt during my marriage. The feeling of never being loved and I got the courage to leave the cult that supported my ex husbands misogyny. I had no game plan. I had nothing in place and by just leaving I lost a lot. It’s my hopes that through my blogs and podcast that if you are in a similar situation, you will not only find your courage to leave or perhaps stay and find your voice. Whatever you choose, I hope you have a plan in place to lesson some of the lessons I had to learn the hard way.

My dear readers, this is a heavy topic and I think we should continue with this later.

I hope you have the greatest of evenings and the best of weekends. You are worthy of a life filled with love and blessings.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.