Exhausted

Happy Friday,

How is everyone doing on this fabulous Friday? It’s officially the weekend for many of us. What are your plans? Mine is to hang out at home and work on the finishing touches of my book. I am also hosting a fantasy football party here at the lake house for my youngest kiddo and his buddies. The nice thing, I just have to make the spaghetti, he’s doing the rest.

It’s been a super busy week and I’m excited to just stay home tomorrow. I’ve done way too much driving this past week and now, I’m feeling the pain.

On a good note, I got to celebrate two more days of my birthday. I got to sew with my friend Susan and below is a couple photos of the quilt I’m making. I have two more boarders to put on, then it’s ready for the long armer and then the big decision must be made. Keep it or gift it. Thoughts?

Yesterday my dear friend Sandy took me to lunch. What a wonderful afternoon we had. We enjoyed lunch but I think my favorite part of hanging out with her was just talking. She’s a remarkable person and she’s got a lot of wisdom under her belt. I appreciate her as my friend.

Last Saturday when we went to celebrate birthdays with John’s family, I sat next to his niece Megan and I was telling her this birthday, “I’m pulling a Megan.” She laughed and asked what that meant. I told her, I’m celebrating my birthday for an entire month. Her reply, “there’s nothing wrong with pulling a Megan. Enjoy it.”

Megan, I am enjoying every bit of celebrating, but girl friend, I’m exhausted. Megan’s 21 and I’m 56, so I’ve got a couple years or so on her I know many 56 year old’s are in amazing shape. I’m not. Yet anyway. I know it’s not all my age that’s making me tired. I know celebrating so much has a little to do with it. Not complaining though, in fact, I feel beyond blessed and loved and my heart truly is running over from the outpour of love I’ve received turning 56. Thank you to everyone for making this one of the best birthdays ever.

I received a gift from my friend Kathy and I’m not sure how she knew this, but Thomas Kinkade is one of my favorite artists. I am truly drawn to his work. Anyway, Kathy gave me this beautiful little book of quotes, many are his and each page has one of his art pieces. I love it. The quotes are nice to read too. I’ll be sharing some with you real soon. I promise.

John’s mom gave me a few pieces of paper that are covered in quotes, poems and thoughts. I haven’t had time to read through them all just yet, but it’s on my to-do list. I’ll be sharing many of those with you too.

In all honesty though, I am exhausted. My body is rebelling against me right now. This evening I went out to the pool with my sis Jeannie and my friend Sandy and my leg and neck are in so much pain. Pain level is a steady 8-9. It’s the point that I’m actually looking forward to seeing my pain management doctor next month for a procedure. The procedure is generally one I find every reason not to do because it hurts so much and because I have such anxiety that I freak out, but not this time. I’m actually looking forward to it.

“Your fatigue is real. Your overwhelm is real. Your exhaustion is real. Don’t feel guilty about needing breaks from a world that was never set up to protect your mental health in the first place.”-Michell C. Clark.

I think part of my problem is thinking I’m stronger than I am. I’ve had this conversation with my therapist many times over and one thing that keeps coming up and a question she asks often is, “why do you think you have to keep doing everything?”

Simple, it won’t get done. But now, it doesn’t get done anyway because I’m exhausted.

I remember years ago, right before my ex and I split up. I was exhausted from the mental and verbal abuse. I used to tell him all the time, “I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’ve been climbing this mountain to make sure you’re happy and it’s not working. I feel like I’ve climbed the tallest mountain. AND FELL.”

“Sometimes you don’t realize you’re actually drowning when you’re trying to be everyone else’s anchor.”-unknown.

In my previous life I was drowning and I was everyone’s anchor, but thank goodness for my sons, they were there to help me, especially my youngest baby boy Kevin.

It’s not my kids job or anyone’s else’s job for that matter to rejuvenate me. It’s up to me. John’s always telling me to take a break, but I’m not very good at it. My friend told me the other day, “if you don’t start taking care of yourself, your heart will take care of it for you.” She said this after she saw me and noticed I was tired.

I was thankful I got to sleep in a little bit this morning and I’m hoping to be able to do it again tomorrow.

I told John a couple of times this week. I just need a day to get up, get my coffee and sit and relax. I don’t want to get up and take care of anything for just one day.

I’m sure I’ll find the reason to do something, but I need to remind myself I need more down time then going and doing time.

I used to be able to do what I do now and I used to be able to do more. But not lately. Something is wrong and I’m not sure what it is. I used to have energy, but it’s hiding right now. I think I need to keep looking high and low until I find it.

I am grateful for the time I’m able to write, but I have noticed this past week, my brain is a little foggy. John even noticed this the other day. He told me I seemed slow and not able to focus.

I have an appointment in two weeks with my primary, so I’m hoping he’ll help me figure it out. Someone told me it’s menopause, but I went through that at 33 when I had my hysterectomy. I’m hoping once I see my doctor, I’ll get some answers and he can tell me which vitamins I need to be taking.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m getting older and I think my body is telling me I need to take better care of it. My therapist also reminded me that my pain is real and some of it, while most is from injuries, some is also from the anxiety.

I’ve been dealing with some legal stuff the last few years and quite a bit the last couple of weeks and it looks like it’s coming to a head finally and I think this is weighing heavily on me too. More then I realize.

Whatever is going on with my body and with me, I know one thing, I gotta write. For a brief moment today I thought, maybe I should take a break from my writing. Maybe I should quit, but then I realized, I can’t. I love it way too much. I think if I gave up writing I’d be giving up a part of who I am. Writing is my priority.

I’d also like to find a little extra time, maybe an hour a week to quilt. I realized when quilting with Susan, I do miss it.

Susan and I’ll be planning monthly meet ups to sew. She’s my inspiration and I love how motivated she makes me when I see her amazing masterpieces.

“Lord, I’m exhausted and sometimes I feel I can’t handle everything anymore. But, I know you hold me and carry me through. Thank you for that.”-Living within his design.

I know some of my exhaustion comes from my PTSD and trauma. I found this illustration and thought you too might benefit from seeing and reading it too:

If you too are feeling exhausted, you are not alone. So many of us suffer from anxiety without even realizing the issues it causes to our bodies. You’re not crazy, you’re exhausted and it could be too, you’re suffering from anxiety.

I’m not a medical professional. I’m not a therapist or trained in any level of giving mental or physical health advice. I can only share my story and be open and honest with each and every one of you what I’m going through and what I’ve been through. One thing I can tell you, you are not alone. We are all on a crazy journey called life and sometimes, we are thrown a curve ball.

I do encourage anyone who many feel like something is going on with your body or your mental health, seek immediate medical attention. You deserve to be heard and helped.

Well guys, this has been a rather long blog, but I do appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to read to the end.

You all make my writing even more amazing. I am humbled by the friends I’ve made and I’m beyond grateful for the support you all have shown me.

Until next time, sleep well and don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.

Goodnight.