Update

Happy Friday,

How are you all doing today? Good I hope. I wanted to reach out and thank everyone for your input and suggestions on moving forward with my mother. I appreciate every comment and I’ve pondered over them all.

What an amazing community we have here in our little niche of the blogging world. I feel so blessed to have all the positive, yet honest comments directed my way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Here’s the update:

So, I got a text from my mothers brother saying that while he was on the phone with 911, my brother texted him and said he was with our mother.

Mother refused medical treatment, meaning she said she just wanted to rest and not go see her doctor. I can’t fault her in that as I am not a huge fan of going and getting checked out either, even when I know it’s in my best interest. In fact, I’ve been putting off a call to my neurologist all week. I’ll fill you in on that in a later blog.

Regarding mother, she’s “feeling” better from what I’ve been told, so I’m very happy and relieved to hear the news.

When I reached out to everyone and shared with you how I was feeling conflicted about my mother and asking the question, “do I reach out or not” I did get some mixed comments. Some of which were, “be the bigger person. This is another part of the manipulation. She’s made her choice. Try extending the olive branch with no expectations.”

I weighed every comment I received. I’ve prayed about it and one comment that keeps coming back to me over and over again, “did she or has she asked to see you or speak to you?”

The answer is, NO. During this entire episode of whatever health issue she’s suffering from, she hasn’t asked about me, hasn’t asked to see me and she hasn’t asked if anyone told me.

I’m still dead to her. Dead in her eyes because I left the cult she raised me in. We differ in religious opinions and belief’s, which is fine to me, but her religion, they teach her and indoctrinate her to NOT think for herself, NEVER use her critical thinking skills and SHUN those, including your own family members and children if they speak out against the religion. I’m considered an apostate by many in that organization.

I was talking with my niece yesterday about how I was feeling regarding my mother and I told her, I do miss having a mom, even though she really hasn’t been a mother since I was 12. Heck, I even got married and moved out at 17, so I wasn’t in her life all that long when you think about it.

Anyway, after talking with my niece, she said something that I thought about all the way home. She said, “you’ve been at peace since your mom has been out of your life. I know she’s your mom and you miss the IDEA of having a mom, but ever since you were a little girl she’s judged you, guilted you, hurt you, allowed you to be hurt and she blames you for anything that goes wrong in your own life. She blames you for the abuse you suffered.”

While all this is true, I had to really think long and hard about forgiving. I prayed to God and asked him to clear my mind and my thoughts. I didn’t sleep last night because my heart was so heavy in guilt over not having a relationship with my own mother.

My mother’s words are like a sharp edged sword, they always have been. She can cut a person to their core and make a grown man walk out the door with his head between his legs.

My mother is probably the strongest in her conviction for her religion, something I do admire.

My mother also loves with conditions, something that has hurt two of her children. One thing I can say about this is, my sister and I were raised knowing the consequences of leaving the church. I think in some sick and weird way, this has allowed us to cope and accept it. We get it. We don’t like it, but we get it.

I’ve extended the olive branch by means of letting my uncle know that I hope she’s doing better. That’s all I can give right now as far as reaching out.

I have given my grievances towards her to God and I’m leaving it in his hands. He knows my struggles and He knows I need an absolute clear sign of what to do, but for now, I’m wishing her well but I’m going to keep my distance.

Having her in my life, or should I say, not having her in my life, I’m at peace. I’ve set the boundaries I need to have calm in my life. I can’t walk on egg shells anymore over fear of not pleasing her. I don’t have the strength to stand up to her putting me down and telling me I’ve sinned against God and I’m going to die at Armageddon if I don’t return to her God of Watchtower. I can’t face the judgement she places upon me for my life.

I hold no grudge against my mother. I have forgiven her for all the hurt she’s done to me and I hope she’s forgiven me for the hurt I’ve done towards her. I wish my mother a happy life, a life of peace and abundance while she watches two of her grandchildren grow up in her religion. My kids and my sisters son, they’re all doing just fine not having her in their lives. It’s sad, but they’ve never known any different. The sad is probably more what I feel and perhaps what my sister feels.

I truly am happy that mother has her son, his wife and their children to love her, accept her and walk hand in hand in their faith. It’s a good thing.

I have a good life. I have a wonderful partner to go through life with, even when we don’t agree, I still love him more than anything. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and I have an amazing blogging community and I’m so grateful to be following my dreams of writing. I am blessed and I am thankful.

Thank you everyone who reached out and thank you to everyone who left comments of concern and suggestions for how to proceed.

I’m sure this won’t be the last medical episode my mother has and I’m sure one day will be her last day and that will be sad. I’m sure I’ll miss not having a mother, I think anyway, but then again, I really don’t have one now. I just know when she’s gone that will be the finality of things.

My mother did the best she could. She’s living her life as true to herself as she knows how and I’m doing the same. That’s all we can do, right?

Well guys, I just wanted to reach out and thank everyone. I appreciate you all.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.