Trauma

Happy Wednesday,

How is ever one doing today? Well I hope. Did you enjoy your weekend? I did, though it’s a blur. I’d love to hear all about what you did, so shoot me a text or drop me a comment.

We are once again half way through the week. It’s Wednesday, hump day and trash day for me and today, I’m extra tired. I’m so grateful that John doesn’t have too many afternoon meetings, so he said he would go pick up Grant. Feels good to be home and writing. I tried to get a blog out yesterday, but I couldn’t get my mind to concentrate on much of anything. I was in a fog. I am a little disappointed in myself for missing two days, however, I do need to focus on the now and get rid of the guilt for just having a couple off days.

John got home yesterday and it sure is nice having him back. He said he had a nice visit with his son, so that made me happy. I did miss having him here with me, especially for my birthday. That’s the selfish part of me, but the good part of me is and was so happy he made the trip to Montana with his dad to see his kiddo.

John sent lots of photos and it sure looked like everyone had a good time. Mission accomplished. John got 5 days with his son and the bonus, he got to enjoy traveling with his dad too. It was a good weekend for everyone.

As you know, Monday was my birthday. I turned 56. Still waiting to feel a difference. Nothing yet. I’ll keep you posted if I start feeling anything different now that I’m another year older.

Monday I was blessed to share my birthday with some friends. Jeannie and I went to a friends restaurant and enjoyed Tequila tasting. That was fun, but I’ll be honest, the mixed drink they served, that was hands down, one of the best I’ve ever had. It was soooo yummy.

I know John would have loved this drink too, except he wouldn’t have able to have one since it does have a splash of pineapple in it and he’s allergic to pineapple.

Oh, in case you haven’t read it yet, I highly encourage everyone to read Mel Robbins book, The High 5 Habit. Amazing book is all I have to say. Mel is completely transparent regarding her own life experiences and she’s open too about her family and the things she would do different.

This book for me is a huge boost in the way I look at myself in the mirror and how I look at life overall. One thing Mel says about negative thoughts is when you start hearing yourself saying one or thinking it, then say out loud, “I’m not allowing this today.” This is a long process and one that we’ll all most likely need to remind ourselves of over and over again, but, it sure is a wonderful way to correct the negative.

Today I had therapy and Dr. Miron pointed out to me that he thinks the lack of sleep I’m getting and the racing thoughts when I do sleep are caused from my PTSD, trauma and depression/anxiety. I knew anxiety causes sleep issues, but I didn’t realize that PTSD and past traumas could be contributing to lack of good quality sleep. He upped one of my medications and I was surprised to learn it’s supposed to give me energy. I thought it was making me more tired, but he said no, it’s most likely one of the other meds I’m on.

“An’ I’m much too young to feel this damn old.”-Garth Brooks song.

I’m most certainly not ready to be on this many medications. I take two for my heart, a couple for anxiety and one for my headaches and another for the nerve pain.

Dr. Miron also told me to keep moving and don’t stop. He’s by no means encouraging me to move to the point of hurting myself more, but he said, the more I move, the more I increase moving, the better chance I have to not have my neck, back and nerves seize up. Time for some pool laps or at the very least, kicking around in the lake.

I am so grateful to be among the fortunate to have good insurance that helps cover the cost of having a good mental health doctor. I know many don’t have access to mental health help. This is one area of medicine that I absolutely feel everyone should have access to and not be denied, especially young ones who are struggling, but that’s an entirely different subject and perhaps we can talk about that later.

Today I wanted to touch on the subject of trauma. When my doctor told me that trauma affects nearly every aspect of a persons life, it made me think about everyone out there struggling, either openly or in silence.

One area of mental health that weighs on me heavily is knowing you’re in pain and suffering, but the doctors can’t figure out why. My thought, whether the pain is due to an injury, trauma or mental health, it’s real and doctors need to recognize that.

I’m lucky that I have a good team of doctors. My neurologist told me before my last series of MRI’s, “even if your MRI comes back clean, that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real, we just need to figure out a plan B.”

Thank goodness they did see things in my MRI, I mean, I’m not glad I have issues, but I feel validated I guess for those issues. I don’t feel crazy, but I know many people who do suffer with clean X-Ray’s, CT scans and MRI’s, yet they still feel the physical pain.

“Your trauma made you stronger. No, my trauma made me traumatized, it made me weak, gave me sleepless nights and memory loss. It gave me feelings I’ve never wanted. I made myself stronger by dragging myself out of a dark place and dealing with consequences that weren’t my fault.”-RK@rkkaaayou.

I think those of us that have been traumatized have learned to accept the comments and mindset that trauma makes us stronger and I think we sometimes leave it at that.

While trauma survivors are stronger, we also are vulnerable and we are easily triggered. We don’t always see a trigger coming or even realize it’s happening, but those reactions to certain situations are real and they do sting.

One thing I truly appreciate about my therapy sessions is that I’m able to understand better why I have certain reactions and certain responses to things. Knowing and understanding doesn’t always take away the reactions I have, but it helps me cope, and it helps me accept and understand what I’m feeling.

Remember? Breathe in 1.2.3.4.5. HOLD IT. HOLD IT, Release slowly, 1.2.3.4.5.

My trauma did in fact traumatize me. It make me and makes me weak, especially when I’m in certain situations. My memory loss is real and some of it is caused by the trauma I lived through and all the sleepless nights. I still struggle with a lot of those. I think much of the time, the best sleep I ever get is in the late afternoon cuddled up with John, or better yet, laying on his lap or on his tummy. For some reason, afternoon quickies, yes quickies as in naps, not Bada Boom, are my best sleeps. Maybe because my subconscious knows it’s still day time and life is busy and happening outside. Whatever the reason I can catch a solid 10-15 minutes, I’ll take it. Even when I’m home alone and try to grab a quicky, it’s nothing like getting a nappy with John.

“I love the way you hold me in your arms when I am drifting to asleep. I love the way you gently tuck my hair when you think I do not notice. I love the way you give me butterfly kisses so that it wouldn’t disturb my sleep. Most of all, I love the way I feel secure and loved in your arms.”-TheLoveBits.

I might not get the best of sleeps at night, but on those rare occasions when John and I lay down to talk, I get the best quicky naps in the world.

Trauma is something I’ll continue to work through for many more days, months and perhaps years to come and that’s okay. I’ve always said I’m a work in progress. As long as I keep working towards healing I’ll be continuing to grow into a stronger person.

I might fall off my pony from time to time and get hit with reminders of my trauma, but I’ll keep moving forward. One step at a time.

“A note to anyone who needs to hear it: We don’t ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from our trauma. We are forced to make space for it. We carry it. We learn to live with it. And, sometimes we thrive in spite of it.”-Unknown.

Just in case you don’t know this, you are wonderfully and uniquely made and you are deserving of having the best life possible. You are deserving of a life filled with so much love and happiness.

Now go out there and do something wonderful today. Give yourself a high five and see your worth, because you are worthy. You are more then your trauma.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.

A glimpse into my book:

My mother became an extremist Jehovah’s Witness, and my life went from bad to worse especially now that Carl decided to become indoctrinated as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. He gladly immersed himself into his role of head of the household, and that role wasn’t in a kind way towards me. Carl was always good to Mother. He loved her wholeheartedly, on the other hand, I felt like I was a constant reminder of Mother’s past life. I looked like my daddy and since he hurt Mother, I would pay the price for their divorce. I became a slave, a punching bag, someone that just existed. But with that existence, I developed a plan for leaving the house when I was eighteen. When I was eleven years old, Carl made sure I knew I would be moving out when I turned eighteen.