Conflicted

Happy Wednesday again my dear readers

I wanted to take a moment to write to you again and see if I could get your input, advice or thoughts on a situation I just learned about.

Real quick back story. I left the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses nearly 10 years ago of which 2 to 2 1/2 years of that was the fading process. Meaning, I went to religious services now and again and I started keeping more of a low profile within the organization. I was still seen, I still talked to friends, but I wasn’t as engaged with the teachings. After a couple of years, I hard stopped going and decided 100%, it wasn’t the truth. I dropped out of the religion and I have been shunned by many ever since.

It was about 6 months into my hard stop of no longer attending that I received a call from my mother. I didn’t tell her my feelings or what I was going through, and let me tell you, it was a lot. I knew if I told her I know longer believed she would disown me. Well, she’s no dummy and she eventually figured out I no longer wanted to be a JW. This was about 8 months after my hard stop of faithful service to the organization of Jehovah’s Witness. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

My mother is a firm and devoted JW. I’m okay with that. It makes her happy and it gives her life purpose. What I’m not okay with is her decision to cut me off completely, yet ask about me from time to time when she talks to certain non believing family members.

Mother claims to care about me, but wants nothing to do with me. Maybe we’re more alike then I realized, that is, until this very moment writing that last sentence.

My mother has never been what you’d call super healthy. She eats healthy, she is all about the holistic healthy way of living, but her heart isn’t good and it is in my opinion, she needs medical intervention. Please guys, I’m not here to debate natural or holistic over conventional medicine. I’m not judging anyone’s right to their own medical decisions. What I am saying is, the holistic hasn’t worked, she’s gotten worse as she gets older. She’s 76 years old and it’s very possible she has developed the congestive heart failure her mother had. Again, I’m not a doctor or an expert in anyway. I’m only sharing the little bit of information I have about my mother.

Anyway, I just received a phone call from my mothers brother. He called and asked if I had either my brother or my brother’s wife’s number to which I stated no. I don’t even have my mothers number. I also told him I don’t have my sisters number, but that didn’t seem at all surprising to him and he really didn’t want it. Mother hasn’t spoken to my sister in over 10 years. She’s been disowned by our mother too.

So here’s what happened:

I guess my mother was on the phone with my uncle and she had what he called an “episode.” I asked him what that meant and he diverted the question. I asked again, this time, “is it her heart?” He said yes.

I guess she was on the floor in the bathroom nearly passed out if not passed out with labored breathing. He could hear it. I told him to call 911 and at least have them do a well check. Mother doesn’t believe at all in conventional medicine, so I’m not sure what they could do, however, if nobody can get ahold of my brother, then perhaps, if she is in trouble, she wouldn’t suffer alone, especially if she is in the process of taking her last breaths.

I’m a firm believer, nobody should die alone. Not saying she is dying, but no matter what is happening with her, I wouldn’t want her to die alone.

I know I’ve jumped straight to the morbid thinking, but it’s something my gut is telling me. Something is wrong. Seriously wrong and I pray I am totally off here. I pray my gut is wrong.

Here’s my question to all of you. Is it hypocritical that I don’t want her to die, yet I don’t want to see her? Is it hypocritical that I wish she would get better, yet I don’t want to talk to her?

She is my mother and I don’t want anything to happen to her, I really don’t, but I’m finding myself in this weird mindset of wanting her to be okay. I’m bouncing from please be okay to I still don’t want to see you.

She chose to cast me out of her life. She was never a real mother to me after she married her husband. My mother didn’t know her grandchildren, in fact, when the boys were grown she saw them and didn’t know who was who. When my youngest was 5 I ran into her and Kevin was with me. She asked him if he knew who she was to which he answered, “No, I do not know you.”

My son was 5 and didn’t know his own grandmother. She’s always lived 30 minutes from me.

Anyway, I did ask my uncle to let me know how she is, but I’m not sure if it’s out of curiosity or what I’m feeling.

Not even sure what I’m feeling.

My cousin asked me once upon a time regarding my mother, “are you okay with the way your relationship is if she were to die tomorrow?”

I’m sitting here thinking of that very question and the answer is still the same. Yes I am.

I wish her no harm. I hope only for her happiness, but, she’s not been a mother to me in over 4 decades.

If I were to get a call that she has passed, I know I’d be sad for the loss of her life, especially for her two grandchildren that she is very close to. My brothers children, of which I don’t know. They are 13 and 3 months old.

I never thought I’d get a call like this and while I’m conflicted on my feelings of am I hypocritical because I wish her no harm and I don’t want to see her, she’s still my mother.

Am I wrong for not wanting to reach out? I guess, in some ways, reality is, she will die one day, hopefully not for a very long time and I’m at peace with having lost my mother many years ago, but as a Christian, is it my responsibility to try and make peace? Speak or in my case, write my feelings to her? Give her yet, another chance?

The question presented to me was, “are you okay with the way the relationship stands should your mom die tomorrow?”

The answer remains the same, yes.

I haven’t felt I’ve had a mother since I was 12 years old. She used to tell me, “I have a new family. I have them and then you,” meaning me. She didn’t want me to be a part of her new family. My step dad was never kind to me, in fact, he was physically abusive to me and she allowed it. That story is for another blog though.

I asked Mother once, a very long time ago why she didn’t want to be in my children’s lives. She said, “I have my own children. You shouldn’t have had kids if you thought I wanted to be a grandmother.”

Conflicted. Do I reach out and take a chance that I’ll be shunned yet again, or let it go and pray that she’s okay and that she continues in life happy and cared for by her son?

I feel she gave me life, but chose her husband over me. I was as she said, “a reminder of her previous life and of my father”, a man who hurt her deeply.

Thanks guys for letting me rant.

Have a great rest of your night, and until next time, take care of yourself, your families and your relationships.

Love Life++ Hugs.