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Happy Saturday,

How is everyone doing on this amazing Saturday afternoon? Staying cool? I sure hope so. It’s been super hot lately. I love the summer months, but holy heck, what’s up with triple digits? I mean, a day here and a day there would be fine, but for days and days, I’ll pass.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend though. Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

Today is a lay low day for John and I. Yesterday I was finally able to be home the entire day, so I organized and cleaned our bedroom. I might venture out onto our balcony later and clean it up really good. It needs a good hose down. John has some mail to go through, and lots of it. He did get out on the lake earlier today. He enjoyed some paddleboarding time. He’s really making this home. He waves to all the security guards at the gate. He waves to boaters when we’re out floating. He of course, tips his hat and waves to fellow golf carters. Makes me happy to see him enjoying lake life.

I’m still feeling a little unsettled, but each day gets a little better. I’ve got my loft done and our room done. Just need to finish the master bathroom. I do want to get a small recliner for the master so I have a nice quiet space to go and write or read when I’m not sitting at my desk.

It’s amazing how disorganized a home can become when blending two houses into one. We’re getting there though, one day at a time. It did feel amazing going to bed last night with our room clean and organized.

John and I have been having some conversations this past week about me needing a little more help around the house. I love that we can talk about it. John and I have always had a connection when it comes to talking and I think that’s one of the things I love most about us. We enjoy talking and we can also enjoy quiet time. John always says, we’re the perfect fit, but I don’t think that’s the case for a lot of people sadly.

I know in my previous relationship, there was no real communication. I remember not long after I split up with my ex I took my oldest out to lunch to talk. It saddened me when I realized, it was a struggle to sit across from each other and openly and honestly talk. Most of our in depth talks were done while driving. Always seemed easier.

I apologized to Tommy for not giving him the skills to be able to openly express himself. He looked at me with a look I’ll never forget. It was one of relief. Like this bolder had been lifted from his shoulders. I told him from that moment on, nothing was ever off the table as far as communication. Sure, he always came to me when he had a problem, but there was this disconnect when it came to real issues at hand, at least real issues I was facing. You see, I wasn’t always open with my sons. I hid a lot from them as far as my feelings. I didn’t share my dreams with them. I felt I was protecting them by not letting them see me cry or see how unhappy I was. When their dad would say something negative to me, like “you look like a dike”, I laughed it off. He said that to me in front of our sons and his entire family when he and his siblings were going through old photos for the photo collage for his moms funeral. He took that photo and tossed it in the trash. It was a photo of me holding my babies. He said my hair made me look like I was gay.

I was mortified, and I remember my kids looking at him, then at me and instead of telling my ex how inappropriate and hurtful his words were, I told the boys, “your dads just kidding around.” I was crushed.

I never allowed my ex-husbands downgrading towards me to bother me, at least not to where my kids could see, or anyone else for that matter. From early on, I made sure to accept the criticism, I even came to began to believe the negatives about myself. Sadly, that became my biggest obstacle in life.

One of the biggest issues I faced over my life was the fear of arguments. I hated arguing and in an effort to avoid them, I allowed myself to be put down. I was put down and I shut down.

When a couple or people in general don’t know how to openly and honestly communicate, they tend to argue. In an argument, both sides are trying to prove they are right, rather then coming to terms with what is right regarding that certain situation. I still shut down in certain situations because I mentally fall back into my old habit of not wanting to argue, or fear of an argument, rather then trying to figure out how to discuss a certain situation.

“Discussions are always better than arguments, because an argument is to find out who is right, and a discussion is to find out what is right.”-unknown.

For a lot of us, this mindset is not an easy one to accept. Many of us have grown up in homes where arguing is the norm. Now I honestly didn’t grow up in a home of arguments, not really anyway. There was rarely a door I allowed to open to argue. I just kept quiet and accepted whatever was being said even if I didn’t agree with it. I grew up with my mother always making me doubt myself. For example, if I questioned something that was said at church, something the minister said, she would say, “why would you think that way, what’s wrong with you?”

On some occasions, Mother would shift the blame of something that went wrong into, “what did you do to make that happen?”

Whatever was going on at home, I learned early on to just agree with whatever was said or done. With my ex, there were rare occasions when I would tell him something he said hurt my feelings. His response was always, “I didn’t mean it that way. Why would you think I did?”

The blame was shifted to the way I thought, instead of the hurtful words said to me or the words that I misunderstood.

The common responses my ex would say to me from the earliest of my days till the day I actually left and blocked my him were things like, “you’re crazy-that never happened. You’re so sensitive. You’re overreacting. I never said that. What are you talking about. You’re remembering things wrong. Just calm down.”

I calmed down alright, in fact, I shut down.

Discussions are so important in any relationship. Arguments, are so unhealthy. Discussions help us continue to grow and expand our relationship where arguments hurt and destroy them.

I’m sure we are all guilty of having that one bad argument with someone, but to make arguing a habit, we need to figure out a way to stop. We need to learn to have discussions and the best way to do that is feeling safe enough in our relationship to talk about our fears, our need to be heard, then, and here’s one of the most important ingredients, we need to be willing to listen.

Here are some great tips for structured conversations in a relationship. According to “choosing therapy,” they say the seven steps are:

1. Active listening
2. “I feel” statements
3. Repair attempts
4. One thing at a time
5. End on a positive note
6. Schedule them regularly
7. Have a code word

When two people truly want to make their relationships work and become an example for their children on what that healthy relationship looks like, then they need to learn to communicate and have open and honest conversations without arguing. That’s where the safe or code word comes in. When either partner feels things are getting heated, then use those safe or code words.

If we stop interrupting one another and actively listen, the conversation can thrive.

When we use the “I feel,” instead of the accusations of “you made me feel,” then walls are less likely to be built and it’s easier to continue to explain our feelings to our partner and they are more easily able to accept what we are saying.

We should always go into a discussion with the desire to repair a situation and avoid the need to be right.

The reason for regular conversations is to keep them on point. We should only come to the table with one, maybe two things that are bothering us instead of dumping everything out all at once. If we are talking to our partner on the regular, then hopefully we won’t have an entire boat load to dump on each other at any given time.

It’s so beyond refreshing to have a partner who has taught me and continues to guide me towards those conversations. He encourages regular check ins. We do need to work on scheduling those sit down chats a little more often, but, life is hectic, so for now, we will stick with the quick check ins and I have no doubt, if there’s something of major importance, John will make sure we take that moment to openly and honestly talk.

My dear readers, what I hope you got from today’s post is simple. I want us all to check in with all our relationships. I want us all to have healthy lines of communication with our partners, children, co-workers and friends.

If you ever find your self in an argument, I hope you can take a deep breath, step back and say, “let’s cool down and come back in a little bit and discuss the matter without arguing it.” Wouldn’t that make for more peaceful homes, relationships and overall well-being? I think so. Just my opinion.

Well guys, time to work on some art work. I’m trying to finish up a gift for John’s mom.

Anyway, until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.