Another’s future

Happy Sunday

How is everyone doing on this amazing Sunday morning? I’m in San Diego today and I woke up to a nice cool breeze with a tad of overcast. Sure is beautiful outside. Just a couple more days and we’ll be at the lake house full time. Yippee!! Super excited.

How is your weekend going? How are you wrapping it up? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I love hearing from you all.

I wanted to thank everyone who has subscribed to my blog and also for those beautiful comments you’ve been leaving me. You just make my heart skip a beat. Thank you.

Onto the blog:

The other day I received a comment from this really kind woman. Her name is Mary. She commented and said, “you share so much about your life and therapy that I believe readers must feel that they can get through their struggles, and perhaps, have the courage to seek help.”

This comment really meant a lot to me. You see, from the very beginning of me embarking on the unknowns of writing a blog, my sole purpose was to be able to help people along the way. I’ve had the mindset that if I shared my story, my journey with the world, maybe I could help someone avoid the same mistakes I’ve made. Maybe someone will read my blog and avoid the pain and heartbreaks I’ve gone through and maybe, I’ll be able to give someone the strength to get out of the high controlling religion/cult that I was born into.

Now, before you say anything, let me clear that last statement up. If you are happy and thriving living in the cult/religion in which I was raised, then I’m not here to change you or to try and convince you to leave. I’m only here, writing my story in hopes of helping those struggling and who want to hear about someone else’s journey of leaving.

Today though, I thought I’d talk about leaving my marriage. I know there are thousands of women who leave their marriages, so I understand that. I know I’m just one example of what that looks like. Every situation is different and every one who has left a marriage has a different story to tell.

I’ll share today what it felt like to never feel loved. This is just one of the many reasons I had to leave. If you want to see a deeper glimpse into why I left, check out my blog, “My journey to divorcing my JW husband. I wrote this back on Dec. 10, 2020.

When you marry someone from the high controlling religion/cult I came from, the men are taught they are heads of the house and women are to be in subjection. While I agree with this to a point, I don’t agree that women are to have no voice, no opinion or any rights within the home. Women, wives are not to be enslaved to their husbands and homes, they are to be their husbands compliment and they are meant to work together as a team.

In my marriage, I was a slave. My ex rarely helped me with anything. It fell on me to always take the kiddos to and from school, which was fine, I enjoyed doing that, but sometimes when he worked from home or didn’t work on a particular day, it would have been nice to have had the break or at least asked if I would like him to pick them up.

My ex would sit on the couch in the living room and watch me bring groceries in from the car. He would carry on conversations with me all while watching me carry heavy bags in. He would always have a reason he couldn’t help me with anything. He didn’t feel good. His back or feet were hurting. He had a headache or whatever.

I’m not insensitive to someone not feeling well, in fact, I’ll take really good care of you. When it turns into more of a habit and all the time, well, that’s a trigger for me to become frustrated, but more than that, I feel like I’m your slave. I feel taken advantage of.

I know I’m overly clean, and that’s my OCD. Thankfully though, I’m learning to not be so fanatical, yet I still like organization and I still like my home clean.

When I was married, I felt so unappreciated. I worked long hours around my home and I worked a full time job as well. My ex seldom did anything. Thank goodness for my sons. They were always there to help me lift heavy bags of salt for the pool while their dad laid on the couch. They would help me with yard work and I so much appreciated when one of them would clean the pool and the best thing they did for me, was take the trash out without being asked. Silly, I know.

While I ran the house, my kiddos helped me as much as they could. Sports and school took up a lot of their time, but when they were home, they helped.

I heard “I love you” from the boys, but never from my ex. When I would ask for help from my ex, he would say he would say there’s a game on, or he needed to call one of his siblings or his parents, or he didn’t feel good. He would find any excuse to not help me. It finally came to the point that I stopped asking. I just did my job.

Light bulb moment. My therapist asked me the other day why I felt if I didn’t do something it wouldn’t get done? I guess because from early on, if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.

I love this quote, “one man’s ex is another mans future.. What one man didn’t appreciate, another man is PRAYING for!”-unknown.

I’ve heard it said, women are complicated. I don’t agree. We are simple. We want to be loved and cherished. We want to be taken care of by our men. NO, I’m not saying we want to be allowed to turn our men into our slaves and we sit around doing nothing. What we want is to be heard. We love the little details and gestures. We love it when you offer to help us around the house or when you offer to just help out.

One of my favorite things is when John gets up before me and makes me my favorite coffee and brings it to me. He takes the time to do something nice for me. I feel loved and appreciated.

Women need to feel like our homes are a safe haven because our husbands make it that way. We don’t want chaos within our homes. We need help. Simple things like taking out the trash when it’s full, or rinsing your dishes, letting us take a break from time to time and when we have sons, teaching them that they need to help their mom. It’s never okay for a son to just watch their mother do all the work. I’m not sure how my kids learned to help because that was one thing their dad never taught them.

I’m so beyond thankful that Tommy and Kevin always looked out for me. They would get upset when they could see me wearing down. I remember when they got their drivers licenses, they would sometimes call me at work and tell me not to worry about dinner, they were picking something up or they would call and tell me they would handle bbquing that night so I could just come home and enjoy my evening. Of course, they would make sure to pick up paper plates because they didn’t enjoy doing dishes. The point is, somehow, they had it within them to be men, even when they were little.

I never felt like I was my husbands first choice. I was 17 and he was 26 when we got married. I knew he had a life before me, but he didn’t tell me for months after we were married that he had been engaged just a year before me. She apparently dumped him. I didn’t think much about that until a couple years later when I got pregnant. We were talking about baby names for boys and girls, though I was certain from the depths of my soul I was having a boy, however, we did entertain girl names too. I wanted to name my little girl Rae-lynn, but he wanted to name her Lori. Yup, you guessed it. That was his ex finance’s name.

When he told me he wanted to name a daughter Lori, immaturely, I felt like he still wanted to be with her and not me. Though Lori was just a name and it would have flowed nicely with our last name, it just didn’t sit right with me naming a daughter after his ex fiancé.

He would talk about Lori from time to time. He talked about their travels all while taking partial blame for their break-up. He said she became upset when he didn’t help with their wedding plans.

“You deserve to be someone’s first choice. You deserved to be cherished and not taken for granted. You deserve to be chosen and not settled for. “-Mandy Hale.

Have you ever felt like you were the settled for woman in a mans life? It’s a horrible feeling. That feeling becomes more and more hurtful over time when you become their work horse instead of their partner.

I loved caring for my home and family, I truly did. I loved cooking and keeping my home tidy. I loved family dinners, though my ex chose to never join us, however, my sons and I always enjoyed sitting and talking. We loved to sit outside under our covered patio on rainy days, listening to the raindrops as they bounced off the pool water. We would laugh, talk and enjoy sometimes simple dinners like macaroni and cheese. Yum!

The memories I have of being a mom are forever embedded on my heart.

I find so much joy and happiness watching my sons spoil their gals. My daughter-in-laws car is on the verge of dying and my son made sure she’s getting a car that will keep her safe and he spoiled her a tad bit with the bonus of a Tesla. He got her something he knew she would cherish because he cherishes her.

When Tommy and Kaitlyn were dating, she had gotten really sick. She missed work for over a week. Everyday he would take her lunch or dinner. One day I got a call from her mom Nancy. She said, I sure hope Tommy doesn’t get sick. I asked why and she said, he was over at her house snuggled up with Kaitlyn spoon feeding her soup. My son feeding his girlfriend? Seems silly, but beyond endearing. He wanted to take care of her.

Kevin is just as wonderful. I was talking with Jaggers mom Norma one day and she told me the sweetest story about my son and Jagger. I guess Jagger had the flu and it was bad, so Kevin stayed with her all night. Norma said she had gone in to check on Jagger in the middle of the night and Kevin was dozing while sitting up on the floor right next to Jaggers bed. He apologized for being their and Norma laughed and said, “Kevin, your family and it’s okay. You are allowed to stay here.” Norma said Kevin never wants to disrespect their home, so he will sleep on the couch or in the guest room, but on this night when Jagger was so sick he slept on the floor, sitting up right next to her bed. Norma said Kevin had a trash can on his lap. He told Norma he wanted to stay close to Jagger in case she started throwing up. He told her he was afraid Jagger would roll onto her back and start choking. He wanted to make sure she was safe. My son holding a barf bucket and wanting to take care of his sick girlfriend. She is definitely his priority.

When I would get sick, which thankfully wasn’t very often, I got nothing. On the contrary, I was expected to still maintain the home. My ex would ask me to get up and cook for him. On one occasion I had just had a lumbar puncture. OMG, those make me so sick. I get instant migraines and I literally have to crawl to the bathroom. Thankfully my ex didn’t expect me to cook on the day of those procedures.

I had learned that salt and soda really help for those types of headaches. Mountain Dew is supposed to be the best, but it tastes nasty to me, so I settle for a Dr. Pepper. McDonalds fries are the saltiest I find. After my last lumbar, my friend had taken me to the hospital for my procedure, yes, I have to have mine done in a hospital setting, anyway, she took me and brought me home. She called my husband and asked him to bring me home McDonalds fries and a Dr. Pepper. He said fine, but called back and said McDonalds was too far out of the way, would I mind him stopping at Del Taco or Jack in the Box. He told my friend his knees were bothering him from driving, so he didn’t want to drive the extra mile down the road. Thankfully Tommy overheard the call and he went to get me McDonalds.

I know this seems nit picky, but it made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. I know his knees hurt from years of basketball, but he was always fine to go and do something he enjoyed.

I know this might all seem petty and maybe it is, but all the petties turned into a whole lot of resentment over the years. The “I love you’s” that never came. The hugs and tender moments, those never came along either. Wham bam thank you mam’s were quite common, but the feeling of being loved and cherished, that wasn’t in my cards.

“Treasure her, make her you’re everything. Women like her don’t come around every day. Within her heart lies all your answers. Don’t be afraid to pull her close and tell her all she means to you. Tell her of all the dead end street’s, the dark shadows that fell upon your heart on your way to find her. Tell her that it was all worth it, because the first time you looked into her eyes….you knew you were home.”-Kiefer.

My dear friends, being loved and cherished, it goes both ways. We need to love and cherish our husbands as much as we need and want them to cherish us. Never let your partner feel like they aren’t your priority. Never let them feel like they aren’t your first choice and that you are only settling. Take it from me, it hurts to know you aren’t a priority, first choice and that you are the one they settled for.

While most of us have had a past, we can’t live there while being committed to someone else. First choice doesn’t have to mean you didn’t have a first love, a first relationship or first marriage. What it means is, when you are in a committed relationship, while you are with someone, they should be made to feel like they are your first choice. They shouldn’t be made to feel like you are settling because you didn’t get the man/women you wanted. When you are with someone, they should always be made to feel like they are first. They are your priority. They are who you chose and who you want to be with. Just my opinion.

I’m so glad I made writing to all of you today my priority. I’m in my happy place when I can write. Today is a hard one though. I am having the most difficult time getting around. My pain level is close to needing to visit the ER, but hoping a little rest will help.

I do need to say goodbye for now. I want to jump in the tubby and take a hot bath, but I’ll be writing to you all again real soon.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.