Don’t

Happy Monday evening,

How was your day? Mine was a good one. I just got home a little bit ago from a friends house. We made matching shirts for our upcoming girls cruise at the end of the month. I am beyond excited for that weekend away. In the meantime, I must push forward to finish packing up one house so we can be completely moved out by the 13th. Fingers crossed, I can finish everything up. I guess what doesn’t get boxed, gets tossed, but I think I can do it. I have 5 full days of packing ahead, so I think I’m in good shape.

I know this is a tad unusual for me to post twice in a day. I’ve been thinking a lot about this very thing. You see, I notice many of the bloggers I follow, well, they post multiple times a day. I love that. I love that they have so much passion for their writing. I have the same passion, but I’ve been afraid to post multiple blogs in one day out of fear. I feared that my readers would feel overwhelmed or overloaded by too much content. Then I thought, why not post and if my readers enjoy my blog, they’ll see more of it and if it’s too much, then that’s okay too, just pass on reading every post.

As writers, I think we feel so connected to the keys on our computers, we feel like we aren’t doing enough if we aren’t writing. One content writer I follow had said he was finding himself in the midst of a writers block, then, after posting that, he was inspired to write again, almost immediately. I love that.

I think Wendi Renay is right, we see ourselves in each other’s stories. It’s hard for a writer to take a day off from writing, at least that’s what I’ve found to be the case. Would you believe that when I’m not home here in the lake, I am at a loss. I can’t wait to come home and write.

Knowing I have to be away from my home for a few days this upcoming week is really causing me some big time anxiety. I don’t write the way I do when I’m home in the lake. My brain goes into a chaotic state, not being here.

Oddly though, I can travel and be fine, as long as I have my laptop. Being in new places inspires me, but it’s always wonderful to come home to the lake.

I was sitting here tonight, gazing at the most amazing sunset and I couldn’t help but find so much gratitude in my life. For the first time I have found peace within myself. Oh sure, I still have my triggers. I still have my anxiety and panic attacks, but there’s something about this view that calms my soul.

For most of my life I merely functioned. I was, like I said the other day, I was a robot, just going through the motions of life. One exception to this was being with my kids, but lets face it, if we did our jobs as parents right, our kiddos grow up and venture out and live their own lives, even if they live at home for longer periods of time, they still leave the nest. They form their own core groups of friends and thus, their lives have begun. When I’m with my kids, even to this day, they bring life out in me. They are a huge reason I get up every day. Not the only reason, but a huge one.

As I reflect on my previous life, my kids were my source of calm. They brought me so much joy and happiness just being their mom. I think I did a pretty good job with them. Their core group of buddies are still in, not only their lives, but mine too. It tickles my heart to get a message out of the blue from one of my adopted sons. Just last week one of the boys, messaged me and shared a link to his graduation that was taking place that same day. He was graduating USC with his Doctorates degree. His message read, “Hi mama, here is the link to my graduation today. I did it. I finished school and I’m a doctor now. Thank you for being a huge part of my life. I love you.”

I couldn’t be more proud of this fine young man that I watched grow up.

The boys I watched grow into men, who I’ve had the privilege to see graduate elementary, middle and high school, then to see them graduate college, get married and start their own families, I am lucky. Seeing my own sons accomplish these things too, there are no words for my heart beating to the drum of nothing but pride. I am beyond proud of my sons and all the sons that came into my life.

I am one proud mama, no denying that.

There’s a scripture I’d like to share with you. It seems fitting for what my life was and is. Romans 8:18, “The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Through all the misery, suffering and abuse I lived through, none of it matters anymore, because the blessings I’m receiving now, they are beyond my greatest expectations. Messages from an adopted son inviting me to share in his special day, priceless.

For most of my life I never felt worthy of much of anything. When I decided to find my strength to leave my ex, he tried to and continues to do his utmost to ruin me with our kids and extended family. I think this is where my character comes into play. People know I’m not that horrible person he portrays me to be.

I had a friend tell me the other night, the only reason my ex wanted to keep me around is shown in the fact of him dating girls younger then our sons. My friend said, “he only wants to date younger girls because he wants to be able to control them. He wants to train them like he did you. To be his slave and to have them rely solely on him. He doesn’t want a woman with a mind, he wants a young girl he can manipulate.”

Bingo, that was a hammer to my thought process. She’s right.

“Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly..

Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love..

Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy..

Don’t see the worst in a person and then expect them to see the best in you..

Don’t judge people and then expect them to stand by your side..

Don’t play with fire and expect to stay safe..

Life is about giving and taking

You cannot give bad and expect to receive good..

You cannot give hate and expect to receive love..

If you wish to see positive change in your life, you must be willing to be the change itself..”-Najwa Zebian

I was willing to change. I was willing to grow and in the beginning, I wanted him to grow with me, but he wouldn’t even try. Instead, he broke my soul. He broke my heart. I was judged and I continue to be judged by him. He judges my mistakes in leaving and tells everyone about them. I’ve been hated, I’ve been tossed out like the trash by those that believed his lies, and that’s okay. I have found calm and peace with friends and family that accept me for my flaws and all. He broke my wings, but they healed.

“You will never know the pain until you look into the eyes of someone you love, and they look away.”-marriage.com

That pain is one I hope you never know. I lived that pain from the time I married him until the day I left.

If you want to make someone feel worthless, looking away, especially when they tell you they love you, I guarantee, you will break them in ways that may never heal.

Don’t take love for granted. If you can’t be present in their life, if you can’t make your partner your number one, then let them go. Let them find the love they deserve.

“If you truly love someone, you have to set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. If not, their love was never really yours to keep.”-unknown.

Don’t destroy someone’s confidence, their worth, their passion for life. When you find that someone special, hold on tight, but give them the space to grow. Grow with them, you just never know where your adventures will take you.

Well guys, it’s getting late here, so I think I’ll be saying goodnight.

Don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.