Creating me

Happy Friday,

How are you all doing on this wonderful Friday evening? Are you ready for the weekend? Looks like it’ll be a hot one here at the lake. Maybe I’ll head out and enjoy some lake time after my writing master class tomorrow. I’d love to hear what you have going on, so shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I love hearing from everyone.

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has signed up to get regular updates when I release a blog. I feel so honored to have so many people following me. You all help me stay motivated to write. Though it is my passion and it’s something I’ll always do, the motivation you all give me, it keeps the fire of sharing lite within my soul.

Today I wanted to talk about creating me. It’s been an adventure to getting where I am today, but well worth every bit of the work. I’ve learned so much on my journey. I’ve learned that I do have an opinion and it matters. I’ve learned that it’s okay to express myself and be heard and it’s okay to say no.

When you are raised in a cult by high controlling mother, you learn from a very young age, you aren’t permitted to think for yourself, and you aren’t allowed to voice an opinion. You are expected to honor the opinions of others over your own.

From my earliest memories, for as long as I can remember, my life was planned out for me. Higher education was off the table. I was expected to dedicate all my time to the cult and marry young. I was 17 when I got married. It was frowned upon greatly to have children, but I knew I wanted to be a mother. I wanted someone to love and love me back. I was in complete submission to my husband at the time, to the point I had to ask permission for anything I did. I wasn’t allowed friendships outside the cult and once married, I wasn’t allowed friendships unless they involved having my husband with me.

I always had the strong desire to learn, but I hated reading the propaganda spewed by the cult. I wanted to be a nurse, however, when in high school, I took a career test in which I scored off the charts for writing. My counselor suggested I go into journalism. Once my mother got wind of my counselors encouraging me to look into higher education, I was pulled out of the public school system and put into a home school program. From that point on, I gave up on any idea of looking outside the cult that was suffocating me. I surrendered to the teachings, I surrendered to my mother and once my ex came along, I gave up all ability to think for myself.

I became a robot. I did as I was told. I conformed to the rules and regulations of being a female in a cult that was built on misogynistic practices. I had to surrender my body. I wasn’t allowed to say no. I had to ask permission to have a baby. It wasn’t open for discussion, it was my ex husbands decision whether I was allowed to have a baby. When I was pregnant and suffering from severe hyperemesis and ready to under go surgery to install a port/central line into my chest, he looked at me and told me I better not miscarry this baby, because he wasn’t going through this again.

This my dear readers, is a glimpse into my previous life. Now, I have someone who loves me unconditionally. Encourages me to think for myself. We talk about major issues, and John always takes my feelings into consideration.

“My flesh may have to be consumed, but my mind belongs to me. I’m keeping it for myself. I will not hand it over to anyone.”-Haruki Murakami.

Since my exit from the cult and my divorce from my ex-JW husband, I’m learning to create me. I enjoy learning what I like and what I don’t like. I love to listen to all kinds of books while I walk in nature. I read and I love to ask questions from people of all religions and backgrounds. Some things I agree with, other ideas I pass on, but the most amazing part of it all is, I get to decide. I’m allowed to question things without fear and it’s an a wonderful feeling.

Creating me is about learning and growing. It’s about accepting myself, which isn’t an easy task, but, I’m learning.

“Everyone has their own path. Walk yours with integrity and wish all other peace on their journey. When your paths merge, rejoice for their presence in your life. When the paths are separated, return to the wholeness of yourself, give thanks for the footprints left on your soul, and embrace the time to the journey on your own.”-Unknown.

My dear readers, I hope you are enjoying your own journey to creating the best version of yourselves. Life is an adventure and the journey, well, it’s one heck of a ride.

Enjoy your weekend and until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.