Finding me

Happy Wednesday,

How are you all doing today? Are we off to a good week so far? We are officially, halfway to the weekend and it is looking to be a busy one for sure. So many things going on in the lake, so I know I’ll be a busy gal for sure. What are your plans? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I love hearing from everyone.

Life certainly has thrown me into a tailspin lately. I’ve officially felt every emotion I thought possible yesterday and let me tell you, I’m exhausted today. I need a mental break, so I’m going to go and paint for a little while at the ceramic store. Painting always calms me, so I’m looking forward to escaping my world and my mind for a bit. Life must go on, and I’ve found for myself, that when I feel dumped on, I just need to get out of my mind and do something that brings me joy.

Today I wanted to talk a little bit about finding yourself. It seems fitting after yesterday. I saw this quote and wanted to share it with everyone. “There’s been so much time I’ve wasted being small and staying quiet. Realizing and learning that I have a voice, I have something to offer that is of value, and that my existence matters, has been huge for me. The past year or so I’ve had some realizations, acknowledged some truths, and embraced what I truly have to offer, and it’s been good! So good! I’m excited, scared, empowered, nervous, and also so freaking excited about life and things coming my way!”-Meri Brown.

This was me, is me still in some ways, and let me say this, I don’t plan on wasting anymore time. There’s life out there and I want to really live it. I know what it’s like to live a life in silence. I learned early on to stay quiet. When I would try to have an opinion, it would be met with, “you’re crazy for thinking that way. What’s wrong with you.” I can’t tell you how many times I would make a comment about something I liked to only be met with, “but don’t you like this better?” I realize now, this was a simple way to condition my way of thinking and give my power of critical thinking to someone else.

You may be wondering, how in the world is this in anyway giving away your thinking skills? Simple. Conditioning starts small, no matter what the person is trying to condition another person for, they start small. They begin with putting little doubts in your head. You are slowly taught to doubt your intuition, and before you know it, you may have surrendered your critical thinking skills to someone that wants to control you for their own selfishness.

In my case, from the time I was a little girl, I would be told that the questions I had about God were out of line with the teachings of the religion/cult in which I was raised. In my marriage, if I would ask a question that my ex didn’t like, he would become angry with me and he would tell me that I was out of line and not being submissive to his headship. My mother groomed me to keep quiet, because my thoughts and questions didn’t matter, and this carried over into my marriage. I allowed others to tell me what I should think and do.

I pushed my wants and desires away. I’ve always loved writing, but I was told there is no future in writing. If I had time to write or journal, then I had time to do more in my service to the religion/cult. I learned how to feel guilty for enjoying things other than preaching, studying the religions propaganda and going to their church services.

When someone controls another person for so long, if and when they lose their control, they don’t know how to let you go. The controller holds on to the point of almost obsessing and harassing you. For me, things were quiet for a long time, then, out of the blue, the mudslinging began again. The hate speech, the threats and the belittling talk all started up again. I ignored it for a couple weeks, then I broke. I broke with the simple words of, “since you’re ignoring me, I will do what I have to do to make you regret this.”

I began questioning again, why are people so cruel? Why do some people feel the need to make you a target for their need to show power and control? I even began doubting myself again. How can I allow one person to get into my head and make me feel so worthless? I think it’s because this person knew me so well that they use my weaknesses as a tool to break me down. They use my children as their bargaining tool to guilt me into swaying from my decisions. I’m working hard on not allowing idle threats to make me change my course, but it takes work, it takes a lot of effort. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve already wasted enough time in staying quiet and I am learning that I have a voice and what I have to offer in this life is valuable. I matter and I will keep reminding myself of that.

When I woke up this morning, I still felt a heaviness of heart because of the hateful things expressed to me, but the things texted to me may benefit me in the long run. We’ll see.

And as I write this blog, the harassment starts again. Yeah, I’m realizing that some people, when they lose control over someone, they retaliate, they can’t let them go. They are viewed as property, rather than as human. As Meri Brown said, “I’m excited, scared, empowered, nervous and also, so freaking excited about life and things coming my way!” Right now, I’m feeling scared and nervous, can’t lie. I’m afraid to go outside, not because I think this person will physically harm me, but I’ve allowed him to make me fear the unknows of the outside world. I doubt my safe zone within the gates here. I don’t feel safe right now. When I used to get this feeling, I’d get in my car and drive. I think that’s my sign from the Universe that I need to buy a car, now.

I am writing this blog today thinking of how much I want to buy my little VW Beetle and take a long drive up the coast. The beach calms me. It puts things in a different light, and I can think so much clearer. My biggest mistake is, engaging in conversation with the person who feels the need to call me 15 times in a 10-minuet time span. I only wanted to say, be fair, but that wasn’t good enough. It only enraged him and now, he can’t stop texting and calling. I have to be strong though and go about my day and not let him win. I can’t answer or reply. You can’t reason with evil. From that statemen of please be fair, a can of worms immerged and now, every mistake I’ve made in life is resurfacing and being recalled because this person lives to put others down so he can feel good about himself.

I’ve wasted way too much time “being small and staying quiet,” and this challenges certain people. I just have to keep focused on me and my life. I need to keep growing as a person and realizing that I do have things to offer in this life. I have to acknowledge the mistakes I’ve made along the way. I don’t need to dwell on them, I simply need to acknowledge and learn from them and do my best not to repeat those negative parts of my life.

I’m excited to see where life takes me. Hopefully it’ll take me on a long drive or two in my little VW Beetle, with my country music turned up nice and loud, blocking out the sounds of harassment and belittling speech.

I’m finding me. I’m finding my voice and I’m thankful for those in my life right now, because I’m surrounded by people who remind me that I’m not defined by who I used to be. I’m defined by who I am now. I’m learning to embrace what I truly have to offer, and for me, that’s a good thing.

Well guys, I think I’ve said enough here. I appreciate all the positive feedback you give me, and I appreciate those in my life who build me up and give me the support I never realized I needed. I hope today is as amazing as you all are and until next time, Love Life++