You used to

Happy Sunday,

How is everyone doing this fine Sunday evening? Are you enjoying the long weekend? I hope so. Send me a text or drop me a comment, I love hearing from everyone. The blog has really begun to grow and I’m so beyond appreciative and humbled by the response I’m receiving. I am so grateful to everyone who takes the time to read. Thank you.

This weekend for me has been really nice. John and I went to dinner with our friends here in San Diego Friday night then we had a BBQ with them Saturday. Today, we’re just hanging out watching a new TV series. It’s been forever and a day since I’ve just relaxed, and I’m realizing, it’s rather nice to do from time to time.

I was thinking about different things today and I will be honest, I let my mind wander. I had a conversation with my brother yesterday and we talked for quite some time, and it saddens me we didn’t end on good terms. I hope he can find some peace in his life, soon. After our conversation, I couldn’t help but think how things can change so quickly. Not sure exactly why my mind went there, but it did. I think lately, there’s been a few changes in my world, and my subconscious must be working a little overtime and that’s okay, you never know what you can learn when your memories start coming to a head.

I read this quote this morning and it seems to go along with my mind overthinking. It goes like this. “To The woman WHO IS SLOWLY FADING AWAY…’To the woman who has lost their spark. To the people whose get up and go, has well and truly gone. This is for you. This is to remind you that you don’t have to be everything to everyone, every day. You didn’t sign up for that. Remember when you used to laugh? Sing? Throw caution to the wind? Remember when you used to forgive yourself more quickly for not always being perfect. You can get that back again. You really can. And that doesn’t have to mean letting people down or walking away. It just means being kinder to you, feeling brave enough to say no sometimes. Being brave enough to stop sometimes. And rest. It starts the moment you realize that you’re not quite who you used to be. Some of that is good, some of that is not. There are parts of you that need to be brought back. And if anyone in your life is not okay with that… they are not your people. Your people will be glad to see that spark starting to light up again. So, if you have been slowly fading my friend, this is the time to start saying yes to things that bring you joy and not to things that don’t. It’s really pretty simple.'”-Donna Ashworth words.

I’m sure there are so many of us that have a hard time remembering the times we laughed, sang and threw caution to the wind. I know for me; I have a hard time remembering things like that. For as long as I can remember, I felt the need to over-achieve and be “perfect.”

After speaking with my brother yesterday I came to realize something. Before I tell you though, let me say this. I’m not on a pity party, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m simply, stating a fact. I hope whoever is reading this will do me one favor. If you are considering having a child, please realize, it’s a lifelong commitment. It’s not something that you can change your mind about once they are here. No matter if you keep the child or choose to give the child to another family, your life is forever changed. With that being said, here’s what I have come to realize about me. I was not wanted by either of my parents. I was not loved and for Mother, I was a reminder of my father every time she looked at me. I do believe that when I found my dad some 36+ years later after he left, I think I was a reminder of the woman he loved but didn’t know how to show her love. I was a reminder of a time in his life when he made some really bad choices. My mother was never okay with my life because there were some brief moments, when she was a part of it, and the few times I was shining, she couldn’t be happy for me.

I spent my entire life trying to please others, my mother, my ex-husband, even my children, and now, I’m learning to be okay with saying no on occasions. There was a time I faded into nearly being extinct, and now, for the first time in my life, I’m seeing a glimpse into the dreams I once had. I used to want to be a nurse and an author. While my body is in no shape to be a nurse, I can write. I can publish my books and I can fulfil my dreams, and nobody can stop me unless I allow it. I’m blessed to have a man in my life that loves me to the point of being an encouragement each and every day. He even tells me on days when I’m feeling off or blue, “go write, you always feel better.”

Though I had obstacles in my way, I’m remembering what I used to dream of, the things I used to want and while I am working towards them, I can tell you this, I have no regrets in my life. Everything in my life has gotten me to where I am today and I’m finally remembering the thing I used to want. I’ll continue to have obstacles, and that’s okay, as long as I can learn from them, I can grow into the best version of myself.

What about you? Do you remember what you used to dream of. Please don’t fade away anymore, because you matter, you are important, and you were put here to be the best you possible. Don’t let your giddy up and go get away from you. Fight for you, because you are worth the fight.

Well guys, enjoy the rest of your weekend and until next time, Love Life++