Worth Saving

Happy Friday,

We are just a few short hours away from launching the weekend. How are you? Anything fun planned? I have a couple of things to do. One is to go check out the Disc golf here in Canyon Lake on Sunday. I won’t be playing, but I do want to learn about the sport. Right now with my balance issues and migraines, I don’t think disc golf is a good idea, but it’ll be fun to see how it’s played. Other than that, I don’t have anything new to report. I might try and get the borders cut out for my quilt top. I am excited to get it done. Below is a photo of the top without borders. It’s all flannel and it will finish at 60 x 60. Who wants to be my Valentine?

Today I thought I’d talk about relationships and I wanted to get your feed back about the topic of a relationship that is missing certain elements and if so, is it worth saving? I was reading an article the other day on a website called, tinnhanh12s.com. The article was talking about relationships and its view point on which type of relationship isn’t’ worth saving and it gave ten signs to back up why a relationship isn’t worth saving. Author of the article, Alex Myles says, ” a bad relationship will not only make your life harder, but constant fights can also lead to severe depression. Being the only one putting effort into a relationship can be exhausting and tiring.” I can relate. I was in a relationship where I felt I had to prove myself. I felt as though I was never good enough. You see, I was with someone that was never shown love, so he didn’t know how to give love to anyone else. I craved intimacy in the form of snuggling, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, hugging and just being together. Sure, I know we had kids around, but time was never set aside for just us. As the kids grew up, we grew apart. That’s why I feel it’s so important in any relationship to keep dating your spouse or partner. At the end of the day, you’re all each other will have, because the kiddos seem to always grow up and take their own journey in life.

This leads us to the first point in the article. “Does your partner avoid spending time with you? If your partner never seems to find enough time for you, but is always ready to spend time with others, this is a sign that they don’t find you interesting anymore. When you really want to be with someone, you find time for them, there’s no other way around it.” Time was always with others, never just the two of us. I never felt like I was worth the time. I asked for many years for a date night, but the reply was always the same. Dating, much like kissing, is for the birds. I would have been happy with a walk to the park, sitting by the pool having a drink or two, but those times were always with him on his phone with his brothers or other family members. I suppose that’s why he never knew I was hurting inside because I felt so lonely.

Do you feel like your are a totally different person than you were before you became a couple? “When you truly love someone, you accept them as they are. Wanting to change the person you are dating or their habits is not a healthy sign. You shouldn’t have to give up on your hobbies or interest, or feel guilty about doing something your partner simply disapproves of for no reason.” I remember when I took up quilting, after a few months at it, and maybe 3 or 4 finished projects, I was asked how much more quilting am I going to do? It was presented like this, “how many quilts do you really need to make? When I got involved in swimming, I would swim every day except Sunday’s. I joined aqua aerobic classes and loved it. I spent maybe two hours a day in the pool. I was told that was too much time and I needed to spend more time at home, so I did. I would sit and wonder why I couldn’t be in the pool, because all my partner was doing was watching TV or laying on the couch. He said he just liked knowing I was in the house with him. My identity became non existent. I was a robot. I would work, take care of the home, the yard, the pool and the kiddos and him, but I was merely existing, not living.

Here’s a good question. Are you each other’s go to person? Are you able to openly and freely communicate about anything and everything without apprehension? You should be able to do that, after all, it’s your partner in life we are talking about. I was always the one he would bring everything too. You name it, I was the one he reached out to. I did like that, but when I had something to say about my day, my health or whatever was going on, I felt I had to compete with him. An example of that is, I had gone to the doctor about my headaches. I told my ex that my headaches were getting worse because I was in active pseudo tumor at the time, and he replied with, “I have a headache too.” For anyone who has had or is actively dealing with pseudo tumor, let me tell you this, you know that the headaches associated with that condition are like no others. I just wanted to know he cared, and not have it dismissed by saying he had a headache too, because all that meant was, he needed to be taken care of. Sometimes, it took all I had to take care of him when I was in so much pain. I will say though, I’m stronger for that. I rarely let my pain keep me down. If you know I spent the day in bed, then you know that my pain was so intense that I literally couldn’t function.

Communication is the key to a healthy and long lasting relationship. I know with John, I opened up to him right away. I think I did in part, because I felt if I didn’t share certain secrets with him, I would never tell him and my goal with our relationship or with any future relationship was to have communication where I wasn’t afraid to tell my partner things, no matter what that meant. Being completely open and honest with John also was a way for us to see if we could talk things out, or if our conversations would be one sided or would end in a disagreement or argument. I’m happy to say, that rarely happens. Usually, if we don’t see eye to eye, we respectfully acknowledge the other’s viewpoint, then we end it with, we can agree to disagree. I’m grateful that John and I have 100% open communication.

One thing that John and I agreed on, I believe on our first date was, we were both the givers in our prior relationship. Not that we complained about it, but we did notice that when your the only one giving, you begin to feel unappreciated, and that is a recipe for disaster. “A relationship requires equal effort from both sides in order to sail smoothly. If you are the only one constantly doing things to repair or strengthen your relationship, it becomes one sided.”

Finally, I think one of the biggest points that really spoke to me in the article was, “you don’t feel loved or wanted.” I was often told that ignorance is bliss, so in the beginning of my prior relationship, I made excuses for why he wouldn’t even sit by me when we were with friends or family. I made excuses why he didn’t include me or take me places that I wanted to see. Those excuses though, were building up inside me and I would try everything humanly possible to get him to love me, and at the end of the day, I never felt loved or wanted. “Love and warmth are what keeps a relationship going. If all you do is cry because of your partner, you need to think hard to why you are in that relationship.” Maybe, counseling is needed? If it’s worth saving, do everything you can to make it work. My cousin told me, do everything possible, because if you don’t, you may look back someday with regrets if the relationship fails. Don’t be eager to toss it away because of certain issues, big or small, but if one doesn’t or isn’t willing to work just as hard as you, then, in some cases, walking away can be the best thing.

I’m not a councilor, doctor or expert in the field of much of anything. What I write is based upon my experiences and opinions. If one person can avoid the pain and heartaches that I’ve experienced, then everything I say and write about is worth it. I hope everyone is happy, healthy and living their best life possible. You are all so amazing, wonderful and appreciated. Don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++