Happy Saturday,
How is everyone doing today? Anything fun and exciting planned for the rest of the weekend? Gosh, it seems like forever since we’ve talked. I don’t seem to be able to keep up with everything anymore. I believe I’ve taken on way to much. I miss my writing. I know I’ve said it before, but I honestly do miss writing, especially my blog and book. I’m trying to find my way back to those things as they are my passion.
Today has been a difficult day. Have you ever had one of those days when anything and everything you say is totally wrong? Well, today happens to be one of those days. Anyone suffer from depression? Well, I do and having a day like today has sent me into a tailspin and I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind from going in the wrong direction. Writing seems to lessen the brain fog and the spinning of thoughts that scramble all together. Not sure how the evening will go, but the day has been, I think the worst. I hate days when I can’t put thoughts into words and they come out all wrong. My niece Kassandra posted something about mental illness today and dang, it really hit home.
I know in therapy I was told that you should talk about your feelings and thinking out loud is a good thing. Well, I’m here to tell you, thinking out loud might be a good thing, as long as you think out loud to yourself instead of thinking where others can hear you. That tends to offend people and you can never explain the jumble in your head the right way. In the last few months I took about two steps forward and today, I took ten backwards. I’m not even sure how I did it, but I did.
One thing I’ve come to realize is, people will ask you to say what’s on your mind so they can help you, but when you do, you end up making them feel horrible and then you have to figure out what the point of it all was. I think I do better when I journal instead of speaking. For some reason I come across as someone who doesn’t own their mistakes and blames others. I suppose it’s time to look in that mirror I dread again and figure out how to make myself a better person. I saw a quote today. “Many people would be scared if they saw in the mirror, not their faces…but their character.”-lookinginthemirrorquotes. Scary thought isn’t it? I mean to look in the mirror at our character? Makes me wonder if saying “that’s just how I am” is an excuse or simply the reason I do certain things, or say things the way I do? Can certain traits be corrected? What can we do if anything to correct our bad character traits? I recently told a friend, I don’t know why I say certain things, because after the fact, I feel horrible and miserable for days to come. I guess you can say, I’m afraid of not only my looks when I see myself in the mirror, but of my character when I look in the mirror.
There is one thing I do know about myself and I’ve always known it. When I tell you I love you, I mean it and you have my heart. You can do with my heart as you wish. I’m weak that way. I will take whatever is dished out for years and years. I’ve proven that. “A good woman loves hard; she doesn’t know any other way to love. So, when she gets a little “emotional,” as you sometimes like to call it, it’s not because she’s holding back… it’s because she’s giving it everything she’s got.”-Mr.Amarisoul.com. My mouth tends to get me into trouble. I’m told that’s an inherited trait and one I could do without. One thing I do know is this, when I speak anymore, half the time I forget it as soon as it comes out of my mouth. I can be in a conversation with you and in five minutes when I ask you to repeat something back, it’s not to test you to see if you were listening, its in all sincerity to hopefully recall what horrible, rude or whatever thing it was I said to cause your heart to hurt. I want to fix it, not agitate the person.
I’ve been diagnosed with post-concussive syndrome. It’s not an excuse, it simply something that affects me on the daily and there are honestly times, I have no control over thoughts that pop into my head, but rest assured, those very thoughts will jump out of my mind as quickly as they presented themselves. The brain is a complex thing and I need to understand, that I wish to be understood and in turn, I need to understand, there are a multitude of brain issues that most cannot control. Symptoms for me of my persistent post concussive syndrome are, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, loss of concentration and memory as well as ringing in the ears. Sometimes when someone asks me what’s wrong, and I say nothing, I am being truthful. Truthful to the point that I’m not upset with anyone. Nothing anyone is doing is bothering me, it’s simply, I’m in a struggle with my own mind. I don’t want to go around daily telling people in my life how much pain I’m in. I try to fight through it.
“One day your heart will stop beating and none of your fears or future plans will matter. All that will matter is how you lived.”-lovewisdomtruth.com. I think this is the best way to look at life. What matters is how we live, how we treat each others, especially those we love. I had someone recently tell me, men are easy creatures, all they want is an apology from time to time, it will melt them and they don’t want to feel they are always wrong, especially when they are trying to fix the situation. Great advice. For women, we are “emotional.” Sometimes we just want to be heard and sometimes, we don’t. The only way I know how to do things is to feel and express with my whole heart, unfortunately, I need to work on my broken mind and racing thoughts. I need to quiet things down before speaking. I think life might be a lot better if I become more mindful and less vocal.
Well guys, that’s about all I have for now. I do hope you are having a wonderful day. I have the mindset that my evening will be amazing and blessed. Thank you for letting me rant and until next time, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 