Happy Tuesday,
How is everyone doing this fine Tuesday evening? I do hope you are all doing well. Gosh, it feels like forever since we’ve chatted, or should I say, since I’ve written. I always feel like we are all connected in some way when I write. I try to express myself as though we were in a conversation. Anyway, things are going well here. I got the most amazing little condo/town house here in Canyon Lake and we love it here. It’s nice that John and Grant are here so much, especially for the summer, because I know once Grant goes back to school, John will most definitely need to spend more time in San Diego and with all my projects, I’ll be spending more time here in Canyon Lake. I’m still hoping my disability kicks in soon. I had my hearing back on the 9th, so hopefully I find out sooner than later the ruling. Fingers crossed and please send your positive good vibes my way. Oh, one more thing before I get into the blog. I’m starting a whole new blog page. Loving Life in Canyon Lake. So, I will continue with this one as well as the new one. This one here is more about my life’s journey with a twist of political and religion, the other one will be more about my experience here within the gates of Canyon Lake. Once I get it up and running, I hope you can check it out as well. So now, let’s dive into the blog.
I wanted to talk about a quote I saw the other day. It made me think about relationships and how important certain characteristics are non negotiable. In my opinion, it takes time to get to know someone and while we all enjoy the new love bug that bites us, we need to also take into consideration, life won’t always be roses and champagne. It’s during the difficult times that we really get to know that person sleeping next to us or sitting across from us at the dinner table. I know John and I have had some pretty hair raising things happen to us over the last couple of years. John in fact mentioned today that it’s just been in the last couple of months that we’ve had some disagreements. We both ask what has changed and I think, simply, we have. We are both the type of people that embrace growth. While he does it more gracefully then I do, we are both going through some growing pains.
In many ways, John and I are on different paths, while at the same time being on the same path. John calls statements like that “Dawn logic.” It’s pretty easy to explain. You see, John and I have a vision for our future together. We always talk about the future and our plans. We are on the same path there. Where we are different is our kiddos. I’ve raised mine and he’s still in the process, so we are slowed down a bit in being able to fully commit to any major life style changes, and that’s okay. It gives us more time to grow our relationship, after all, we have forever together. These few short years for him to finish raising his boys will end sooner than we know. Those of us that have raised our children know that they grow up and are out on their own in the blink of an eye. I still can’t believe I have a son that will turn 30 soon and one that is creeping up on 25.
When I think about my life and my life with John, sure, I’d like certain things to happen sooner then they are, but as John says, I need to learn a little more patience. With us having two places now, one here in Canyon Lake and one in San Diego, it will definitely test our relationship, but I honestly feel, overall, this is merely a stepping stone to where we want to be when he’s finished raising his sons. I am welcoming this time together and apart. I love getting to truly know the man I love. I am finally getting to know someone in the same way my boys got to know their partners. Tommy and Katie dated three years exactly before getting married and Kevin and Jagger have been together three years and still want to finish their educations and get their lives launched before getting married. I admire that.
On my first go around with a long term relationship, we sadly rushed into it. I was 17 and he was 26. I know that seems crazy, but in the cult in which I was raised, that wasn’t at all unusual. We met November 1, got engaged December 1 and married January 18. We only saw each other once a week and talked on the phone a couple nights a week. To short a courtship to really know someone. I can tell you this, I truly loved my husband. I worshiped the ground he walked on. Looking back that was so unhealthy. I gave up my friends, and did everything he wanted to do. His interest always came first and before you knew it, I helped create the man he became. Selfish. So when things started going way side, he couldn’t understand why I wanted my opinions to matter. He didn’t like me having a voice, and he certainly didn’t want to hear how I felt. When I would express myself, he would tell me I was crazy for thinking a certain way. When I told him I didn’t want to be a JW anymore, he said that was fine, but followed that with, “in the next couple of years I really feel you need to go back.”
The religion/cult developed the mindset with it’s male followers that they were the decision makers and women were to be quiet. When I got married, I knew my place as a wife. There were many things I wanted to do differently, but I couldn’t. I was under his control. Looking back I believe he loved me in his own way, but he simply didn’t know how to love me the way I needed. He didn’t know how to let me have a mind of my own. To this day, he says he should of never allowed me to work. It was work and my “worldly” friends that caused me to change and leave the “truth”. I suppose in some ways he’s right. I guess, being able to talk to people outside the religion, I was able to open my eyes to seeing the world in a different light. At the end of the day, I think it’s safe to say, I grew up and developed critical thinking skills.
I just realized, I forgot to share the quote I read that sparked this whole blog post. “A woman should never be struggling financially, spiritually, insecurely or emotionally with a grown man laying next to her.”-relationshipquotesoffical.com. When you venture out into the dating world and you develop the desire to pursue a long term relationship, we need to take off the blinders and really see who we are with. I didn’t do that the first time around. I met a man, dated a couple of times, felt we had Jehovah in our marriage and we would be able to weather any and all storms. This is, after all, the way the cult taught its members. As long as Jehovah is in your relationship, everything will always work out. It’s a three cord marriage. This definitely wasn’t the case in real life. I was sadly mistaken and my marriage bit the dust.
I was with a man that didn’t have the tools, or didn’t know how to use the tools to be my spiritual rock. He didn’t know how to be there for me emotionally and that created a sense of insecurity within me. I don’t blame him. I blame myself and I blame the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses for the way they teach their followers. You can only date with the intention of getting married. Youth’s within the religion generally get married way too soon and many face difficulties and unhappiness because they don’t know the person they are sleeping with. The whole plate full of crap that having Jehovah in your relationship will keep you blissfully happy just isn’t reality. How can anyone truly know someone if they have to date with a chaperone and minimal physical contact is barely allowed? I’m not promoting a lose lifestyle, nor am I even promoting sex before marriage. What I am promoting is being allowed to be alone for extended times with your prospective partner. I’m promoting being able to know the person, truly know them, and you can’t do that when you always have a chaperone.
I was hardly allowed to even hold the hand of my future husband. Kissing wasn’t allowed, other then a quick peck. Being alone was strictly prohibited and my mother listened pretty much to all our phone conversations. Sure, I was on my best behavior and so was he. Waking up next to him the day after our wedding, what a huge shock that was. We started talking and we were on different levels of spirituality, life goals, passions, you name it, we were on two total spectrums of the board. How did I make my marriage last so long then? Communication was never a thing so I basically conformed to what he liked and wanted. He chose our life path and I was along for the ride. I will say, I did have a relatively good life, I just felt unhappy, insecure, controlled and lonely.
My life was amazing because when he decided I could have children, my boys became my world. I was able to block everything else out and focus on my sons. While I regret deeply raising them in a cult, I was one of the lucky ones whose husband wasn’t entirely on board for the way the cult expected us to raise our sons. My husband at the time was a sports fanatic and my sons inherited that quality from their dad. So, having boys, their dad lived to see them play sports and he loved that they could talk with him about any sport out there. I am forever grateful that my boys dad was passionate about his Green Bay Packers, the Milwaukee Bucks and the Milwaukee Brewers. This opened the door for the boys to not only embrace sports, but to actively pursue playing, with their dad in the front row cheering them on. You may be asking, what’s the whole point for this blog is? Know the person sleeping next to you before you get married and before you have children. Never go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. That just isn’t fair. Make sure you and your future person are on the same path and if you’re not, can you communicate with each other openly and honestly? What compromises are you and him willing to make. Honestly, are there any deal breakers? If so, don’t brush them under the rug. Acknowledge them and move on.
I feel the quote about having a grown man next to you that a woman should never have to struggle financially, spiritually, insecurely or emotionally. Likewise, a man should feel stable too. He should feel financially secure with the choices his partner is making. His partner would hopefully be on the same thinking pattern when it comes to religion and he should never feel insecure, even emotionally. The quote in my opinion goes both ways. So, who is the person laying next to you? Do you really know? Have you been honest with them too? Do they truly know you?
Love is an amazing and wonderful adventure. Just make sure that you love mostly with the blinders off, because at the end of the day, you and your partner are in this life together and it really sucks to have a long term relationship end, especially when there are kiddos involved. Know that man, or woman that you are signing onto a relationship with. It’s better to be honest about yourselves and your feelings then to wind up clashing at the end, not knowing how to be who you were really meant to be. Nobody should ever feel lonely in a relationship, nobody.
Well guys, it’s a rather long blog today, so I thank you for reading it and as always, leave me a comment or send me a message or text. I love hearing from you all. Until next time, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 