Breakable

Happy Monday,

How is everyone doing this fine Monday? How was your weekend? I hope it was a good one. I had a great weekend. Spent Saturday with my dear friends Leslie and Kevin. We went to lunch at this really cool little place in Old Town Murrieta. They had a live band playing, so we sat outside and enjoyed our lunch while listening. My friend Kevin sings, writes music and used to perform. I told him he should see about performing. He’s so engaging with his audience, and makes you feel apart of the music. Love, Love, Love watching him. Yesterday, John and I went to Canyon Lake and met this incredible person. Her name is Becky. I can so see us becoming really good friends. She took us to this restaurant that we really wanted to try. It’s called the Lighthouse. We sat by the window and had the most incredible view. The lake was so beautiful and to see people out and about with their families enjoying the water and sun, it was my idea of a perfect day.

I do want to take a moment to apologize for being absent this entire week. I had an episode with my heart that required medical attention and time away from home. I have some up coming tests to see if they can figure out why my BP spikes and then plummets, and we also had a change in my medication, so it seems as though things might be headed in the right direction, finally. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to move without running out of breath so quickly. I’ll keep you all posted and I welcome any suggestions anyone might have that could help me figure out this heart thing. I know if we all work together to help each other, we can move mountains and cross seas to getting us all to a healthier place. Team work my friends. Now onto the blog. Gosh, I’ve sure missed writing, glad to be back in the saddle.

I saw a quote today that I wanted to share with you. “Be easy to love, hard to break and impossible to forget.”-Jmstorm. When I saw this quote, it really made me stop and think about the kind of person I am. I know I want to be that person in the quote. Now, I’m beginning to wonder if I am that person and if I’m not, what can I do to be her? I’m critiquing my flaws and trying to get my mind to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I know I can. I know I’m hard to break, but once I break, it’s difficult for me to come back from it. I wonder too, am I the kind of person that would be impossible to forget. John says I am. We’ve had this conversation more then once during our entire relationship. I always tell John what an amazing person he is and that anyone who is with him is the lucky one. He never misses a beat and lets me get away with that, he always says, he’s the lucky one. I think we’ve agreed that together we are the luckiest people in the world.

Then today happened and now, I know, I’m absolutely the luckiest person in the world. I sat back today and I’m in awe of John. He manages things to the best of his ability and never ceases to amaze me. I only wish he could see what I see when I look at him. I see this incredibly strong man who tackles the world and seldom looses his cool. I see a man that if he breaks, gets right back up and continues to fight for his family. The love I see this man has, penetrates his very soul. I can only hope to display that sort of love towards others the way he does.

I feel as though I’m letting him down. John is such a hard worker. He worked all week and helped his kiddos with homework and he made sure the house was clean for me. He said he cleaned during the times we would of been spending together if I was here. Made my heart so happy that he thought so much out of the box, and that he just wanted to see me happy. He knows how I am about wanting the house clean and he worked extra hard to make coming back so welcoming. I know he missed me, but knowing that he cleaned the house so I could get more rest when I got back, it melted my heart. I’ve never had anyone love me the way he does. John is the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Oh, the reason I feel I’m letting him down? I just don’t have the energy to help him the way he needs around here. I hope to become stronger. John works so hard to keep this family afloat and I right now, I can’t be the partner he deserves.

When I read the quote, I really started thinking, am I easy to love? Do I make things easier for John or more difficult? He’s always tells me how wonderful he thinks I am. When I was married before, I was super wife. NO, I’m not bragging, it’s just who I was. I was good at it. I was up by five, cleaned the house, made breakfast, lunch and prepped for dinner. I made sure the boys were up and off to school. We had hiccups along the way, but overall, the boys and I were in sync and on task most of the time. You would think I could do it all over again, and for some reason, I shut down. Hence, the title of the blog, breakable. I never thought I’d be weak. I never thought I would be in a place where I have to say, I can’t right now. When I shut down, I feel broken.

When I came home, I had the mindset that I was going to be calmer, kinder, and more adapting to our life. I’ve worked super hard on that all day, yet it comes with the heavy price tag of having to say no when I can’t do something. John tells me he gets it and he understands, yet, I still feel like I want to help him more. I am so lucky that I have a man in my life that is kind, loving and understanding. John touches my heart because he makes me feel like I’m unforgettable in his life, he makes me feel loved and he’s always there picking up the pieces when I feel broken. So, how do you tell the man you love so much that you feel like your crumbling. I know he senses it and feels it, he knows me so well. John would do anything to make it better, yet, I have a hard time letting him. I’ve always been strong and made sure things were done and handled, and now, I just don’t have the energy.

I’m feeling broken. I want to be a compliment to this amazing man. I want to make his life easier and better. I want to get healthy in this crazy mixed up body of mine. One day at a time is all I can do right now. Baby steps. I suppose, it’s old age setting in, however, I do want to change that mindset to, I’m only as old as I feel. I want to feel young again, I want to push past all these heart issues and get my life back. It’s gonna take some work, but I’m bound and determined to enjoy my life with John, especially once his kiddos are grown and creating their own life’s journey.

When I set out on this second chapter of my life, I never thought I’d get in an accident, I never thought I’d get sick and I never thought my life would topsy turvey into all this craziness. I do believe God has a plan for me and that all this is a learning curve. There is a lesson to be had in all this mess and all I can do right now is, continue to blog, accept all feed back, and try and figure out the lessons I need to learn.

Well my dear family and friends, I’m glad to be back blogging, I’m excited for tomorrow and I promise to write about something more uplifting and hopefully inspiring. Please send me your comments. I love hearing from you all. I do hope you’re all staying safe and enjoying your family and friends. Love and hugs to you all. Until next time, don’t forget to Love Life++