Almost Somebody

Happy Wednesday,

How is everyone doing this fine Wednesday evening? I do hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. Life is going well for me. I feel like I’m mentally in a good place overall. Gaia TV and motivational speeches on the daily seem to keep me in a more positive mind set. John and I usually spend a few minutes to a few hours every day dreaming of our future together. We no longer say the words, “if, when and someday,” we put ourselves where we want to be. We talk like we’re already there. We are choosing a home and details of that home and we’ll be adding it to what was once my vision board to “our” vision board. I was telling John this morning that I finally am to the point where I feel 100% completely secure in us. For the longest time I’ve had in the back of my mind that I wasn’t quite good enough for him. I’m not a college educated person, I haven’t done the things he’s done or seen the things he’s seen. I’ve lived a pretty sheltered and secluded life. My life revolved around my sons and my ex husband. My kids were and continue to be my life, and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.

I was listening to something the other day. This speech was talking about how someone was almost their somebody. It made me think back to my life, by ex and how divorce, while being hard, sometimes, there is no other option. I mean, I could of stayed. He isn’t the one that wanted the divorce, it was me. Staying in a loveless marriage though, wasn’t worth it to me anymore. I broke, so I left. Being married to someone that didn’t kiss me in over 5 years, told me maybe a handful of times in our entire marriage of over 30 years that he loved me and usually that was “thanks, you too” when I would tell him. Laying in bed with someone that would turn their back to me every night and would tell me to rub his back if I wanted to put my arms around him, well let’s just say, I couldn’t do it anymore, I never felt loved, I felt more like a slave, hence, he was almost my somebody.

There’s a song that comes to mind by Blake Shelton, “She Wouldn’t be Gone.” In this song, the guy realizes how it was the little things in life that would of made a difference. “Red roadside wild flower, if I’d only picked you.” Can you imagine seeing one of those magnificent wild flowers on the side of the road, pulling over and having your man pick one for you, especially if he knew how amazing you thought they were? I know going up to my cabin in the spring there are millions of these bright yellow wild flowers along the drive up. I’ve been told there weed flowers, but I always would stop and pick a bunch of them and put them in a vase. I can’t help but think how special it would of been if my ex would of stopped and picked a wild flower, even a rose from my garden and brought it to me. What that says to me is, “I was thinking about you.” I know when I would make my trips back and forth from Temecula to San Diego, I would often stop at the chocolate factory and pick up Johns favorite apple. A couple weeks back, John went to the store early in the morning, before I even got up and bought me roses and had them on the table for me to see. When you love someone, when you want them to be that somebody in your life, you do the little things without having to be asked, told or prompted. When you truly love someone, their happiness is important to you and the little things just seem to become second nature. I know for me, John is always on my mind. When I go to the grocery store, I’m always looking for things I know he’d enjoy eating or snacking on and I know he’s always doing the same for me.

“Yellow sunset slowly dipping down in the rear view, oh how she’d love to sit and watch you.”-Lyrics to “She wouldn’t be gone.” Sunsets are so amazing. No two are exactly alike. Sunrises are pretty awesome too, but there is something spectacular about a sunset, especially at the onset of summer. The perfect recipe for a wonderful romantic evening, no money required. Just sitting in each others arms watching the sun set and being thankful for each other. I used to enjoy sunsets by myself out by the pool, my ex rarely, if ever, came out to enjoy it with me. It’s funny to me, the Bible teaches or tells husbands, “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.”-Ephesians 5:33 This applies to wives too, we need to love our husbands like our own bodies, it truly is a two way street. Anyway, we as people generally don’t want to hurt ourselves. We tend to make sure we are taken care of and to me, the scripture is saying, your wife, or husband, should be treated the way you want to be treated and taken care of the way you want to be taken care of. To this day, I still don’t have an answer as to why my ex couldn’t tell me he loved me or why he wouldn’t kiss me or look at me, other than, I’m not a romantic kinda guy. Okay, my response to that is, “how’d that work out for you? How many chances was I expected to give? Now I question myself, was my love conditional after 30 years together? Only I can find the answer to that question and only after I can completely let go of the hurt and pain.

My goals for a relationship are still the same as they’ve always been. I don’t want to almost be somebody’s someone, I want to be their someone. I want to be important and I not only want to do everything in my power to meet their needs, I want them to want to meet mine too. My whole life, family has been so beyond important to me, yet I gave power to my ex in that we put his family ahead of mine and sadly, my kids and I missed out on some pretty amazing people over the years. I can’t turn the clocks back, but I can change that moving forward. You see, his family all lived out of state, so instead of being a part of my family, our free time would be trips to see his. I love them all, his family that is, even to this day, but we should of been more balanced. We should of taken time for our boys to know both families. Relationships are give and take, not just one person always giving and the other rarely reciprocating.

I love this next verse in the song, “If I hadn’t been so stubborn, been so selfish, thought about her (or him) more, thought about me less, joked and made her laugh, held her when she cried. A little more of that, maybe, I wouldn’t be driving like hell flying like crazy down the highway, calling everyone we know, stopping any place she might be. Going any place she might go beating on the dash…. If I had loved her this much all along, maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, she wouldn’t be gone.” How many of us in our relationships, especially long term relationships become lackadaisical? Are we taking the one person we claim to love and want to be with and maybe spend our lives with for granted? Are they almost our someone, or are they our someone? “She warned me it was coming, said if I didn’t change, she was leaving. I just didn’t believe she would ever really walk out. God, I believe her now. Called her mamma, cried like a baby to her best friend, if they’ve seen her, they ain’t sayin.” My brother has told me so many times, it’s his experience with women, that once a woman is done, she’s done and there’s hardly ever an occasion she goes back. It’s been said that “men are quicker to leave, but they usually always return. Women take longer to think if they should leave, but if they leave, they’ll never return.”-Lifequotes.com. I think this is so true. I feel once a woman is on the outside looking back in, she sees the pain she went through trying to make it work. I do know that men have feelings too and that sometimes it’s them that has to leave the situation because of the pain they are put through, but the point is, most of the time, women don’t go back.

When we as women, wives, girlfriends, partners, whatever our life looks like with you, believe me when I say, we will work our butts off in the relationship. It takes a lot for us to finally find the strength within us to leave. “All I wanna do is fix my mistakes. Find her, beg her for one more try, until then, damn it, I’ll be driving like hell, flying like crazy down the highway.” Why weren’t we worth it when we were there, right in front of you? Why now do you want us to be your someone, instead of always treating us like we were almost someone? I know for myself, when I give my heart, I give it to you unconditionally. I will love you every fiber of my being. I will work hard every day, just to hear, “I love you.” Bring me a rose every now and then and hug me, hold me and make me feel like I matter, because one day down the road, that super long road, I might just stop dead in my tracks and jump off. I won’t look back. I won’t be able to look at you the way I used to, so while you may beg me to fix your mistakes, I just won’t be able to have you as my someone, you’ll just be my almost someone.

Well my dear family and friends, please stay safe. Keep those comments coming and don’t forget, Love Life++