Hidden Strengths…

Happy Saturday,

How is everyone doing this fine Saturday afternoon? Enjoying family time or maybe some alone time to decompress from all the holiday fun and excitement? I do hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and if you were by chance alone on this holiday season for whatever reason, I do pray that you were able to reflect on fond memories of past Christmas’s with family and friends. All is well here. I enjoyed time with John and his kiddos yesterday and then we were able to go to Julian to spend time with his amazing, wonderful and welcoming family. Oh what an amazing and loving family he has. They are all so blessed to have each other. There was a gift exchange, but that’s not what made the day and evening special, it was the love that is shared amongst them all and the love they extended to me.

When I sit back and think about how unconditionally Johns family loves each other, it makes me think back to family and friends I have had over the years. I have cousins whom I hadn’t seen in years and when I reached back out to them, wanting a relationship with them, they welcomed me back. It was like our love for each other had never left. Today as I sit here and write my blog, I can’t help but think how lucky I am. As hard as my journey has been and still is, I know in my heart that someone loves me for just being me. I am accepted not only by my family, but John’s family too. I am blessed with a couple close friends that I know would climb any mountain for me or cross any sea, just to be there for in my darkest hours. My youngest son sent me a text telling me he still thinks I’m the best mom in the world. You don’t even know how much that melted my heart. Sometimes, I think we moms just need the reassurance of our kiddos that we did a good job and continue to do a good job.

I still doubt myself. I still suffer from depression and anxiety. I still don’t know how I’ll get through this life, but at the end of the day, I know I’m not alone. I have the love and support of family and friends. I am so beyond appreciative of them all. The year 2020 I believe will go down in history, not just because of Covid, but there has been so many changes and uncertainties in life this year. We are as a world, learning a new normal. We are all finding hidden strengths we didn’t even know we had. I know for some, being alone has proven to be a huge challenge. I was talking to my 90+ year old aunt and she’s spent much of this year, alone. Her strength inspires me. This woman is by far, not only the strongest, but smartest woman I know. She has taught me so many lessons in life and still teaches me. She raised a fine daughter who in turn, raised 4 of the greatest kids of her own. These grandchildren of my aunt call her on the daily. Not everyone of them can, but my aunt gets a call from her daughter every morning and a grandchild or two, sometimes all 4 throughout the day. They call to check in on her and to tell her they love her. They share their day with her, so while she might be physically alone, mentally and emotionally, she is never alone and at the end of every day, aunt Billie gets a call from her niece Maggie, just checking in to make sure she is cared for. Now this is the definition of true, unconditional family love.

We all need strength in this life and some of us are able to tap into our hidden strengths easier then others, or at least it appears it’s easier for them. What are your hidden strengths? Have you ever taken the time to reflect on what they are and how you may have found strength when you didn’t think it possible? When I talk to strong women like aunt Billie, she helps me realize where I’ve been and how far I’ve come in this life. My friend recently reminded me or made me realize that I’ve lost so much over the last few years. I’ve lost my job, my marriage, my religion, three cousins, my dad and friends that I thought would never leave me. Funny, when you change your belief system, people of certain cults tend to shun you. I had someone tell me I’m just like the wife of Lot. I turned back into the world. I had someone tell me I’m like a dog, returning to it’s vomit. Proverbs 26:11, “Like a dog that returns to its vomit, the stupid one repeats his foolishness.” My response to this is, I haven’t returned to anything, in fact, all I’ve done is embrace my relationship with my creator and I have found that he truly is a God of love. I don’t want to worship out of fear, I want to worship him out of appreciation for everything he has done for me and continues to do for me. I am finding my strength in my new relationship with him. I’d be foolish to return to a belief system that teaches it’s followers to shun and abandon, even family members for simply not following a life style or belief system that they don’t feel is for them or even right for that matter. The hardest thing for me to have come to realize is, certain people only loved me for what I can do for them, not because they truly cared about or loved me. I am thankful for being shown the truth about God and his love for me. I am thankful that I can draw upon his strength and pray for understanding. Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”-KJV.

I know if I call upon my creator, he listens. I am learning I might not get the answer I need, or want for that matter. It’s not about what I think I need or want, it’s what he knows is best for me. In previous blogs, I have written about failures being mere stepping stones to getting on the path we were meant to be on. I now know that when I slip and fall on those stepping stones, it is my inner, hidden strengths, along with the strength my creator instills upon me, that’s what helps me get up and keep going. Sometimes my hidden strength is found in something John says to me, or my sons, or family and friends. We all have inner strength that has helped us at one point or another in this life, and sometimes, we need to be reminded that we aren’t alone, we have our belief system, we have our family and loved ones, we have our friends and for some of us, we have our someone special, the partner in this life that we were meant to be with and his or her amazing and loving family.

Writing this blog takes a certain hidden strength for me. I know when I talk about life as a JW and life outside the religion, it carries a certain risk. I find comfort in sharing my story though, not because I want pity or notoriety, it’s because of those that have reached out to me telling me that I’ve put into words their feelings. There’s comfort in knowing I’m not alone and that no matter what the consequences are, even though many of us have never met nor will most likely never meet, we have a bond and connection in finding our strength. There is power in numbers and there is power in sharing our stories with each other. You all help me continue to find my inner strength by encouraging me to continue writing, not only my blog but my book. I am eternally grateful and warm in heart by your love and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. J

Well my dear family, friends of old and new, I do hope you have a wonderful day. If you are feeling alone, reach out to me and we can chat. I love to hear from you all and your comments are amazing. I appreciate your time and feedback, it means the world to me. With love to you all, don’t forget, Love Life++