Dying Inside

Merry Christmas Eve,

How is everyone doing this fine and wonderful Christmas Eve? Are you and your families ready? I have all my presents wrapped and under the tree, now, I need to bake all my goodies and of course, bake those cookies for Santa. I’m sitting in the living room, next to the Christmas tree writing my blog today. I love the lights and the feel of being surrounded by Christmas. What are your plans for this wonderful Christmas season? Keep those comments coming, I do love hearing from you all.

With Christmas here at our door steps, I am reflecting on the things I’ve not only lost, but gained. I reflect on my weaknesses and my new found strengths. I have an awful long way to go to become who I was meant to be, but I do try and focus each day on the stepping stones that fall at my feet when I stumble. They aren’t failures, they are reminders of the path I need to be on. They are the Universes way of correcting my path. I was reminded yesterday by one of my best friends that some of the heaviness of my circumstances are of my own doing. You see, I know that talking to my ex JW husband brings me stress and anxiety that are, for me, extremely hard to deal with. I tell John all the time, I wish there was a way to just move away, even if it was only for a year. I think in a year, we could start our lives fresh and then come home and be able to face the challenges even better.

Being raised as a JW, I struggle every day with the thinking on my own. I never had to think for myself. I always had my husband make my decisions, I followed closely what the church said was becoming of a wife. I was submissive and I was subservient, so when my ex blows up my phone, there’s still this sense of having to answer him. I created, by my choice to honor, respect and basically worship the ground the man walked on, an abusive and controlling husband. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I could do over the daily submissiveness to a man that took advantage of what he had. This man, who is supposed to be a “Christian” man, still bullies me, sends me text messages guilting me and making me feel like everything is my fault. It’s my fault he won’t be able to retire living in the lap of luxury. The constant mind control has made me a weak person. I’m dying inside everyday. I don’t know how to escape the mind control, not only from him, but the pecking and second guessing of my decisions by the indoctrination of what I was taught for over 4 decades.

I lived my entire life trying to be the perfect wife. I tried to be the wife described in Proverbs. I actually enjoyed making sure my family was fed and fed well. I would serve them, just like in the photo below. The problem with that though is, they learned that they were entitled to be served because they were men. I took the unhealthy approach to being in subjection. I took literally that as my sons got older, that they were above me because they were male.

I would always get up early, especially on meeting days and convention days to make sure book bags were stocked with what was needed, lunches made and the car loaded up, so all that the men in my house would have to do is get up, eat breakfast, get dressed and hop in the car. I was this woman shown below. I was industrious and alone, just as she is pictured here. (November 2016, workbook).

While Watchtower does express how a husband should treat his wife, it’s almost like a double standard. One thing is said, however, many husbands within the organization take the submissiveness to the extreme. If husbands followed what was truly outlined in scripture, then the teaching would look a little different. We would see, perhaps the wife making sure her husband and children are fed, and then the husband making sure his wife was taken care of equally, especially when she has to work outside the home.

I listened to a wonderful YouTube video this morning. It was by “Burning Down the House”, and it was titled, “10 Signs of a Toxic Family Member.” In this video, Bethany talks about what a toxic family member may look like as well as the importance of taking care of ourselves. In sign #2 of a toxic family member, they use “emotional blackmail. Fear, obligation and guilt to get you to fall in line.” My ex uses this all the time. He withholds money that I’m entitled to to control me. He doesn’t feel I deserve it and therefore, makes me feel as though I’m worthless. I feel guilty for wanting what’s fair and what I’m supposed to get. His love for me was conditional as shown in point 3 of the video. He never saw me as an individual with my own wants and needs. I couldn’t live up to his expectations or the religions, therefore, I have huge consequences laid upon me. My reality is questioned. Sign #5, “it’s all about them.” It’s always about them and what’s going on in their life. This morning for example, my ex told me he can’t afford to live on what he will be making at work because he has to give me a portion of his check every two weeks. I explained to him that I have been living on a lot less then what he will be making and I have no opportunity to make money because I’m fully disabled. He said he was sorry to hear that, but then went right back to his pity party of how he needs more then what he thinks I deserve.

Bethany goes on in the video in point #7, “they never apologize.” My ex never felt anything was his fault. He never said sorry. It was always my fault, or someone else’s. As Bethany points out, they “scramble your brain.” My ex does this all the time. I know what’s right in my head, but he has a way of making me second guess everything, even why I exist. I hope someday to get to point #10. His absence is a relief. I mean, it is a relief not talking to him, or seeing him, but knowing, by his own admission that he says things to toss me under the bus to my sons, it’s a heavy burden that I allow myself to be put under. This eats at me and within my very being, I am dying inside. Sometimes the only way I can see an out is to not exist anymore. I am thankful to have a wonderful support system in place. These few wonderful people give me the courage to take another step forward. Videos like the one Bethany posts validate that I’m on the right path and that I’m not crazy and that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Life is crazy enough and my dear friend Leslie is right when she says, “just ignore him.” Writing my blog and having such wonderful support through people I don’t even know is a huge comfort. I know I’m not the only one dying inside. I know there are so many more people that have it far worse then I do. My great aunt Billie said yesterday that I need to keep focusing on all the wonderful gifts and people I’ve gained from leaving the church and remember, there’s someone suffering way more then me. I need to remind myself daily of the positive and try and rid the negative. I know as a community we can encourage each other and we can be a listening ear to those that are spinning out of control escaping a high controlling religion or spouse, even family members.

I’m dying inside and I hope that I can find the strength to walk towards my goals of being completely free. I am thankful to all of you for being with me on this journey. I know I’m not alone and I hope you know you’re not alone either. Together, we can light the fire that’s within each and everyone of us and we can shine, the way we were meant to. I wish you all much love and happiness as we navigate through this life. With amazing videos out there on YouTube and books written by those that have left the religion that had such a hold on us, we can learn to live freely and maybe, for me at least, I can truly love life, guilt free.

Merry Christmas Eve to you all. Thank you all for your love and support and don’t forget, leave me a comment or two. Check out Bethany’s channel on YouTube. She’s really an amazing person who says it like it is and has so much compassion within her. Take care, and until next time, Love Life++