Can We Change Our Lack of and Develop Empathy for Others

Happy Friday,

Can you believe it, it’s almost the weekend. I’m excited, how about you guys? Speaking of the weekend, do you have any plans? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

Fingers crossed for John and me today. We are anxiously and humbly waiting for what we pray is good and exciting news. I hope to be able to share with you all real soon. In the meantime, I’m doing my absolute best to let go and let God in this moment.

It’s one of those moments when you close your eyes and can visualize something pretty amazing. I am reminding myself though, if this isn’t His will, then I need to take a deep breath and remember, He’s always taken care of us.

Today is a little bit of a rough day for me. I had my iron infusion Wednesday and last night I woke up with the flu like symptoms the nurse said was possible 1-2 days following the infusion. It seems odd to feel sick a couple of days later, but the nurse said it’s more common than you think because the iron takes time to circulate in your body and since I had 1,000 mg of iron all at once, I could pretty much bank on nausea and body aches. Thank goodness for John being able to step in and take the kiddo to school this morning. UGH, I don’t think I could have driven anywhere.

I’m hopeful that this infusion will help me in the long run. I was a little sad when the nurse told me it could take 4-6 weeks to feel better and have more energy. I was hoping for a quick fix, but she said that would only come with a blood transfusion, not with an iron infusion. The infusion is a long-term fix where the transfusion is a quick fix. Umm, could I have both please?

While John and I were at the infusion center there were quite a few patients that came and went. Everyone was so kind. It was my first experience being infused. Years back I did go to an infusion center with my friend and her 2-year-old who had cancer. The infusion center at CHOC was so different than the one I was at. Perhaps it was because CHOC deals with kiddos and UCSD where I was, only had adults, mostly older adults, 50+. CHOC had you in private rooms and where I was, we were in a circle. Everyone could see one another. I didn’t mind though; I thought it was nice to be able to see other folks and chat a little bit. Not a lot of chatting went on, but there was some.

There was an older woman who came in for her chemo. She must have been at least 70. She was in the recliner across from me. She had fallen asleep and when I gazed across the room towards her my heart sank. She looked so frail. She lay there with an IV feeding her much needed medication into her veins. She was wrapped up like a burrito in a warm blanket with her feet sticking out of the blanket. Her hands were on her lap and every once in a while, she would take a deep breath in, then almost instantly, she was back to a breath that you could barely see. She looked like she wasn’t with us more then she looked like she was there.

A man sat by her bed. He was reading a book. I’m not sure if it was her son or husband. I wondered if her cancer had aged her beyond her years. Every so often this man would touch her hand, then he went back to his book.

I can’t even imagine what this man was thinking. How difficult it must be to watch this woman, his wife or his mother suffer like she no doubt-ably was.

My thoughts would go back and forth from her to him. I wondered what she was thinking while she lay there sleeping. I wondered what I would be thinking. I couldn’t help but go to the place where judgement perhaps you may call it came into play. Not judging the woman but judging myself.

I wouldn’t want John or any of our sons to sit there holding my hand while I endured the pangs of chemo, not like that. I know chemo has its place and it’s saved numerous lives, but looking at that woman and how frail she is, I went down the dark hole of thinking; does she have any quality of life? Then I thought what an amazing woman who no doubt-ably is suffering and there she lay doing everything in her power to stay for her loved ones. A true act of selflessness this woman displayed while undergoing treatment.

Watching her gasp every once in a while, to catch her breath, it still makes me tear up. Is she suffering? Does she hurt? What was she like in her healthy days? She obviously is a good woman, after all, there’s this man by her side, either her son or husband whose love for her you could see.

When my friend’s little girl was suffering from cancer, I would take my oldest son Tommy to visit this little girl. Her name is Cecilia. She’s fully recovered, but they didn’t think she would make it and there were a couple close calls when she nearly didn’t come back to us.

Cecilia’s mom used to babysit my boys, so they were very close to her. Tommy has always stayed in contact with her, even to this day. He’s close to her husband now and he checks in on Cecilia from time to time.

During Cecilia’s chemo, Tommy would take one day a week to take her. You see, Jim, Cecilia’s dad was transferring fire departments, and he had to go through more schooling with his new department. In the fire academy’s you don’t’ miss. You show up or you start over. This job was of extreme importance as it made it possible for Cecilia to get the best medical care and it allowed her mama to be home with her and her new baby brother who was born one month after her diagnosis.

Being on the oncology floor of any children’s hospital is a life changing experience for anyone. I know it changed my son for the better. He learned to have more compassion and empathy for another person then I ever thought possible. I think all schools should make it mandatory for teens to visit or volunteer on an oncology floor of a children’s hospital. Selfish goes right out the door when you walk the halls where children, babies and young teens are battling cancer.

I posed the question yesterday; can we change our lack of and develop empathy for others? YES! We can.

I experienced it firsthand while visiting the cancer ward of CHOC. I was reminded of it during my infusion. I was there for iron which inevitably I need to have a healthy and functioning life, but in no way does it even come close to what some of those other folks were enduring with chemo and cancer. I got to come home and feel the side effects of iron, those folks, some, not all go home and deal with the sickness that overcomes their bodies with the poison that was put in their body to kill the poison of cancer. Most of the folks are at the infusion center a couple days a week, some daily and some weekly.

One thing I noticed during my infusion was how kind and loving the nurses were, even the techs who did the check in and got the patient ready for the nurse. There was one young gal who brought the patients back into the infusion room and many of the patients knew her well. She was so kind. One cancer patient came in, and this young technician was making her comfortable, and they were chatting like two friends having a cup of coffee together. The technician had a gift for listening and making each and every patient feel seen, heard and understood. She even took time to talk with John and me.

This technician who’s name I’ve forgotten had not only learned but developed the skill of empathy. She actively listened to each person she dealt with. She took time to understand each person’s perspective, and she was not only present for each patient, but she is also the definition of being mindful and she connected with the different emotions each person had in the room. I have no doubt this young lady will one day become one of the best nurses out there. She’s a gift to humanity.

Witnessing such empathy and being humbled by it, I wanted to know how I can be more like that in my life. So, I’ve been doing some reading and I wanted to share a couple points that I learned on how to develop empathy.

Step 1. Practice active listening. Boy is this one harder than it seems. Really listening requires us to hear and feel another person’s emotions. We need to listen without thinking ahead of what our response will be. Just listen with the only thought being, I’m hearing you.

Step 2. Seek to understand. Avoid assuming. While we are intently listening to someone, we can’t allow ourselves to think we know how they are feeling. I was guilty of that. While sitting across from the woman who slept I was putting myself in her shoes, or so I thought. I assumed she wasn’t happy, but maybe she is. Maybe she’s really okay. I wish I could have spoken with her. I would have loved to learn her story, because I’m most certain she had one to share.

Step 3. Be present. When we learn the art of mindfulness, we allow ourselves to be in the present moment which will in turn, allow us to be attuned to the emotions and reactions of the person we are speaking with.

Step 4. Explore different perspectives. Being curious about others is awesome. I’ll talk about being curious and being nosey and what the difference is between the two. But being curious about a person, if they want to share can take us on a journey that we perhaps never considered. When we take time to expose ourselves to different experiences and viewpoints this enhances our ability to not only imagine but feel the emotions of another person.

Step 5. Reflet on our own emotions. When we self-reflect and develop the skill of understanding our own feelings, we are able to connect with others and their emotions more effectively. When we understand feelings, we can then walk into someone’s world if we are invited to do so and get a glimpse into their journey.

Step 6. We must practice compassionate empathy. This is something I am working on. Before reading about empathy, I had told my therapist I am struggling with my emotions right now. I am feeling overwhelmed and at times I get angry, and I don’t know why. That’s not the person I want to be. Step 6 nailed it for me. This is what I need to put into my daily actions. I need to work towards understanding other feelings and then I need to adjust my thinking so I can be more supportive.

Step 7. Practice and engage in empathy exercises. Basically, role play. I did this in group therapy many years ago and it really helped. I need to implement this again.

Step 8. We must be patient and persistent. We need continoous growth in developing empathy. It’s not simply something we learn and bam, we’ll always be empathetic. No, we need to continue reminding ourselves that our development of empathy is a journey and it requires time and practice and we need to check in every once in awhile to make sure we are implenting the different steps to stay on our path of developing empathy not only for others, but for ourselves.

We can talk about being empathetic towards ourselves in a later blog.

Why is empathy so important? Well, in the case of the technician I met at the infusion center this was what made her incredible at her job. She not only has developed empathy for others, but she also practices it daily in her job. Her level of compassion and empathy made every patient she dealt with that day feel heard, seen, understood and safe.

When we practice empathy, we are building strong relationships. We are promoting kindness, and we are able to connect with people on a much deeper level. As in the case of the technician, her display of empathy led her to be more supportive, understanding and her emotional intelligence contributes to a positive infusion center community, despite the amount of illness present in that room at any given time.

Note: research done by American Psychological Association.

“By following these steps and incorporating empathy into your daily interactions, you can develop a deeper understanding of others and strengthen your relationships.”-American Psychological Association,

What step will you put into action today? Me? I’ll put into practice step 6.

Well guys, it’s time for me to get a couple of things done. I need to do a little more crafting today. I have a big craft fare I’m participating in November 8 and 9. My goal is to craft at least 2 things per day to get me to the finish line. Who knows, Real Rankins Art may be my new passive income source. Fingers crossed. Wouldn’t that be awesome!

Anyway, I hope your Friday is as amazing as you are.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.