My own love letter

Happy Thursday evening,

Gosh I sure do seem to be writing a lot more towards the end of the day. My da,ys have been so busy that I just can’t get anything written. Between my classes lots of doctors appointments, trying to take care of John and Grant my personal time is very limited.

Enough about me though, how are you doing? I’m hopeful you had a good day. Kiddos back in school? It’s nice having them home but it’s nice when they can be in their element learning and thriving too.

Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear all about you and how things are going in your world.

I do want to thank everyone whose been reaching out and boosting my passion for writing. I am so humbled by the comments I’ve been getting the last few days. Words can’t express how you’ve touched my heart. Thank you. The love and kindness from so many of you has lifted my spirits during this most difficult climb of navigating my health along with having my house torn up from the pin hole leak that caused so much damage.

Today was a really good day. My doctors are working hard to get me to feeling better. I should be starting iron infusions in the very near future. Physical therapy is going well and Monday I will be getting trigger point injections as well as having the patency test, so yeah, I’m on the road to better health.

With all the wonderful compliments I’ve been getting I couldn’t help but be reminded of the mountains I’ve already climbed to get even this far in life. I think sometimes, at least for myself, I need to be reminded of how I got here.

As many of you know I grew up in a abusive home. My dad was out of my life for the better part of it. My mother’s husband was cruel on so many levels and I was constantly reminded how much he hated having me in their life. The most horrific abuse came from an elder of the church/cults teenage daughter, followed 5 years later by a babysitters younger brother. I got married at the age of 17 to a man I knew less then 3 months and I made that relationship work for over 30 years until I woke up from the lies I had been told for the majority of my life. I left the cult and only culture I knew. In less then six months I left my marriage. I left a cult. I was in a horrible accident and lost my job. I was near, if not at rock bottom, yet somehow, I managed to survive.

I have no doubt God was holding my hand though much of the time I didn’t realize it. He protected me. He brought incredible, true friends into my life. He gave me family. He gave me John. I lost all material things and I never went without. He gave me an inner strength to get from the lowest point in life to having the many blessing I take for granted way too much of the time. Grounding myself and writing from the heart and receiving beautiful messages from all my family, friends and readers reminds me of the need to stay in gratitude.

Along this journey I’ve learned to be strong. I’ve learned how to rely on myself and honestly, I still struggle with asking for help or accepting it.

“This comeback is personal. It’s not for claps, closure, or comments. It’s for the girl I left behind when I started tolerating bullshit. I’m done over-explaining. Done proving my worth.I’m not seeking revenge. I am the revenge. And every move I make now is a love letter to the woman I promised I’d become.”-they call her magnetic.

Today a friend who I haven’t seen in awhile reached out. She shared some really uplifting thoughts. Regarding yesterday’s post she said, “you don’t just climb the mountain-you become it. The climb is inward.” She reminded me too that the pain we endure in life isn’t permanent, it’s a process. Breakdowns come before breakthroughs. I needed that thought right there. I had breakdown.

With al the chaos in our home right now. Having no kitchen. Half my downstairs is under containment. Trying to manage between hotels, staying home, staying at my nieces, just everything, I told John just a few moments ago I hadn’t felt on edge, I felt broken. I’m fearful of leaving my house. I want to cocoon inside of my home because having it torn up makes me feel so afraid of losing it. Having the kitchen taken down to the studs. Opening the front door and seeing a huge plastic barrier put up. Having workers come and go. The mold. Boxes of food in the dining area. All of our kitchen, nook and coffee lounge belongings all taken to offsite storage. I feel invaded. I feel helpless. I don’t feel strong.

Funny, I was in the restoration industry for 26 years and to experience it in my own home it’s an entirely new ballgame. I only hope I showed enough compassion, love and understanding to all the homeowners I worked for over my time in remediating their safe havens. Gosh, I pray I did each and everyone of them the due justice they all deserved as they navigated demo and reconstruction along with having their belongings boxed up and taken away.

Maybe all this would be easier if John and I didn’t have so much on our plates outside of water/mold remediation. John says we’re on edge. I told him I disagreed. I told him he might be on edge, but I feel like I broke. Mentally this is a huge struggle.

Tonight I melted. Thank goodness John is so understanding. I thought I was being strong, but I haven’t been. John says I need to ask him and tell him what I’m feeling. That doesn’t come easy, but I realize I need to. He can’t read my mind and it’s not fair to him that I keep all my fears and anxiety bottled up and from him. I’ve always had to handle my feelings and emotions on my own. I’ve had to handle everything in my home on my own. Having someone that wants to help me is so incredibly new to me but I need to let go of my resistance and give some of this to John and the rest to Him.

My love letter to myself tonight is:

Dear me. You’ve come so far. God gave you a man who wants to take care of you. LET HIM. You can still be strong. You don’t have to over-explain or prove your worth to this man God gave you. Remember, you prayed for a man to love you for you. You begged God to let you feel what love truly felt like. You wanted to know what it was like to be made loved to by a man and not one who simply got his rocks off. You wanted to know what it was like to have a man want to be with you. Spend time with you. Dream with you. Encourage you to grow. God gave you that man. STOP pushing him away. God gave you the man of your dreams. Relax. He is taking good care of you. He loves you and your big bonus is, he sends you to the moon and back when you make love. I think you can trust and let your guard down. Enjoy your love story,

Love me.

It is pretty awesome having someone who wants to climb the mountains with me stress and all. John is right here with me.

Well guys, I need to wrap things up. It’s late and I was up at 4 this morning and I’m officially tired. I think I need to go and cuddle with John so I can fall asleep.

Sleep tight everyone.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.