Who would have thought

Who would have thought that the day would come when we would question who we are and where we’re going. I can’t help but wonder how many men and women before me have asked this very question.

Happy Monday my dear readers. How was your day? We are officially into our third week of July. Before you know it, summer will be over and we’ll be entering fall. I won’t lie, I’m pretty excited for fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving and of course, Christmas. I’m also a little excited for an amazing gift my son gave me that happens before Christmas but days after Thanksgiving.

Tommy bought me an 8 day cruise from Miami. I am beyond stoked and my mama heart is pouring over with pride, love and appreciation for the son God gifted me 32 years ago.

We leave Miami and head to Nassau. From there we go Coco Cay Bahamas. The cruise still has two more ports. Falmouth Jamaica and Labadee Haiti. I’ve never done a cruise like this and I’ve been on lots of cruises. Usually down to Mexico and back, though once I did take the Alaskan cruise which was soooo cold, yet super fun. The scenery was stunning and now, I get to do a Western Caribbean cruise.

Last week Tommy called me up and asked what I was doing the first of December. Um, not sure, why? I’m taking you on a cruise. OKAY!! No hesitation there. As our conversation continued he surprised me with, “I’m taking Kevin and Jagger too. REALLY!!!! Now my excitement is overflowing. “So send me over the following information for you and John and I’ll get it booked. We leave on such and such date and we return on. We have to fly out at least one day before.” Okay and just like that, John and I are cruising with Tommy and Katie. Kevin and Jagger. I’m still in complete awe that my son is doing this for us. My mama heart has never skipped so many beats for the heart my son has towards those he loves. I must have done something good in this life to receive so many blessings with all my children.

Speaking of children. Tate, my bonus 4th son made me a diamond art pen. The time and expertise that went into making this gift for me melted my mama heart too. He thought so much of me that he took his allowance and bought the supplies from his wood-shop teacher and spent over 3 hours making the pen. He’s only 14, but he’s got talent and I’m not only proud of the young man he’s becoming, but the heart of gold he has towards others. He didn’t have to accept me. He doesn’t have to love me, but he does and I’m blessed to call him my bonus son.

Below are a couple photos of the pen. Notice the detail. He even did it in purple because he knows it’s my favorite color.

Sometimes as a step-in-mom you wonder if you are making a positive impact on a child’s life, then when the wonder becomes so huge you can hardly breathe because of the hatred the bio mom has towards you, the bonus baby surprises you with something that is priceless because it was made with pure love in mind. My bonus baby is a blessing in my life and he proves the point, there are no steps or half’s in our family. Only sons and love for each of them.

This is true too for my nieces and nephews who didn’t come from my blood line, but came from the love of my family bringing the bonus babies into our family’s life. Blood didn’t make us family, but love sure did and I will forever love each and every niece and nephew who came into my life.

I am blessed to have bonus sisters and a bonus mama. I have brothers from other mothers, but they are my brothers. No half, just my brothers.

You know it’s funny, sometimes when my Instagram begins to show things on my feed that I’m not even thinking about, I can’t help but wonder, is God putting things out there he needs me to see? Perhaps hear? Or maybe, he needs me to write about it. I’m not sure, but I hope I’m getting the message right.

Relationships have been huge on my feed lately, almost to the point of being way too much. I said a little prayer before sitting down to write tonight and asked God to guide my words. I hope I can do His message justice and for whoever it’s meant for, I hope it brings some clarity to your life. I know it has to mine. Who knows, maybe the things that are popping up are solely for me. Whatever the reason, I’m going to bare my sole here and write what comes from the heart.

Here goes.

“You deserve good thing too. You deserve care. Good treatment. Support. Learn to know when to sit back and be treated well too. You deserve it.”- Unknown

I wish I would have learned this lesson earlier on in my life, but then again, there’s always a reason we learn the lessons when He needs us to. I think my lesson in my journey was to have courage to not only walk away from a long marriage where I wasn’t loved, but I also needed the courage to walk away from the cult I was raised in and the cult I sadly raised my children in. I’m thankful one never joined and the other has faded away to the point, he’s out too.

“A relationship can only work between two people who are totally present and dedicated to one another despite any outward distraction or internal problems. You’re either in it together or your not in it at all.”-101QuotesAbout.Blogspot.com.

Life is full of distractions and problems. It’s not easy and just when you think you can relax and breathe, it throws you another curve ball. Believe me, my entire life has been a game of dodge ball. It’s made me a stronger person. Not always happy, but stronger.

Out of the blue the other day I received a message from an old friend who is like a second mama to my son Kevin. She said to me, “I was amazed when I spoke to Kevin after your breakup from his dad. He said to me: My mom was selfless for us. She was the ultimate mom who sacrificed everything for us. Looking back, she was barely holding on for so many years. She stayed for us, for me and my brother. She did it all. For us. She gave us so much love and taught us how to love. My mom gave us unconditional love. Always. Even when she was dying inside, she never let us feel her pain. I don’t know how she did it. Her love was so unbreakable for me and my brother, we never seen her cry. I suppose we always knew her sadness was there, but she never expressed it to us. “

That made my mama heart cry knowing they saw my pain and loneliness. I thought I was hiding it. I think I did for many years, but my sons who lived just beneath my heart beat for 9 months know me better then anyone else. They might not have seen it in the moment, but they saw it when they questioned why I left.

This person called me brave for staying so long for my children. She also said I raised the perfect son. She said Kevin is loving, kind and patient. He’s respectful and she said she loves me for raising such an incredible man. She said without a doubt she knows Tommy is as amazing as Kevin, though she doesn’t really know him.

I can’t take all the credit because their dad did and does love them. He just didn’t know how to love me. I don’t know if he’s capable of loving anyone and that’s sad.

“They call him the provider; But if I died tomorrow he wouldn’t know what size pajamas the baby wears. He couldn’t tell you which kid hates crust or which one needs extra hugs at bedtime. Because I carry it all-the schedule, the preferences, the tiny details no one sees. So no, I might not bring home a paycheck, but I provide the comfort, the care and the quiet consistency that hold this family together.”-@healingmamahood.

I’m not here to pat myself on the back or say I was perfect and he wasn’t. I had a slew of imperfections and flaws. I’m also not saying your significant other is a horrible person. Perhaps they don’t realize how they’re treating you. Maybe you need to have some serious conversations. I just hope you aren’t ever left with the lingering question, “who would have thought?”

Relationships take two. If you’re in a blended family they take even more effort. You’re not only blending you and your kids with someone else and their kiddos, your blending a lifetime of history and memories and that’s not always easy. In fact, you have a better chance of failure the second time around then you did the first time. Thus seconds while they can be the ultimate love of your life, they can also be the most difficult.

I know for me, my breaking point the first go around was when I knew I would rather not exist then to live another day hating who I was becoming. The day I looked at my ex and said I’ve become just like your sister, I knew I had to go.

“There’s only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you will no longer tolerate being disappointed. When things go wrong between two people, something has got to give. You get to the point where you get tired of being the only one trying to fix things, it’s not giving up, it’s realizing you had enough. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts.”-Brigitte Nicole.

Now before you start packing and getting ready to head out the door, you need to stop and ask yourself. Have I done enough? Have I communicated what bothers me and what I need in a partner? Have I done everything within my power to make life with the person I chose to do life with work? Where am I to blame? Are my expectations too high? Do I love him/her? Do they love me?

Of course where domestic violence is present, you need to protect yourself and seek professional help. Nobody deserves to be hit. Nobody deserves to feel threatened and nobody deserves mental and emotional abuse. We’ll touch on this on a later blog.

I stayed in my marriage for so long because I had children and in part I was selfish. I didn’t want them going to their dad’s and having to deal with a stepmom. Funny, now I’ve taken on the role of stepmom or step-in-mom, but I didn’t want that for my children. I was a step child and I know what that felt like and it wasn’t good. My step dad didn’t want me and he was very clear: once I turned 18 I was out the door. But this too is for another blog.

I can only hope and pray I never make my bonus babies feel like they aren’t loved as much as my bio babies. I hope they know they can always have time with their dad.

Regarding relationships, this final quote showed up and I think it’s a good way to end tonight’s blog. It gave me a lot to think about and it’s a good way to remind ourselves of what’s important in our lives.

“Your spouse does NOT deserve your left over’s at the end of the day…You put effort into your career. You put effort into your kids. You put effort into your hobbies. You put effort into your home. Don’t be so tired that you don’t have the energy to put effort into your marriage/relationship, the most important thing.”-@ultimateintimacyapp.

Life gets busy. Life gets crazy and the above quote isn’t reality on the daily because nobody is perfect, but when life happens, don’t forget who is the one person who will be by your side through it all. When you put so much into other things you forget the small promises you made, there’s a problem. When you don’t have time to pause and show some affection, there’s a problem. When you forget who’s there to pick up the pieces when life breaks you down, there’s a problem.

I can’t help but wonder how many before me have asked, “who would have thought?” I hope the answer isn’t: I’d be feeling lonely, unloved or ready to walk out the door.

If you’re still there, I hope you can make that one last ditch effort to save what once was because you deserve to be put first in his/her life. After all, when the kids are gone. You retire. When you need a shoulder to cry on because you lost a parent, whose there to hold you? Comfort you? If you did it for them yet when you lost a parent or someone close to you and they were too busy to care or were simply cold or unavailable, you may be heading to the question, “who would have thought.”

Never be too busy to buy out time for the person who wants to share life with you. We all ooops and mess up, but when it becomes a habit, there’s a problem. When you put your every day issues ahead of theirs, there’s a problem. When all you want to do is talk about how life is unfair to you, but fail to check in on how your partner is navigating their life, there’s a problem. You’re in a partnership, not just a relationship. Partner with your person. Don’t always dump on them and fail to notice what they’re going through.

Have you checked in?

If you’re wondering “who would have thought?” Maybe it’s time to tell him/her your wondering and asking yourself, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

Well guys, I sure do hope I got this blog right. I hope it’s what He wanted me to communicate and if it’s not, I pray he guides me in the right direction for tomorrow’s blog.

Good night my dear friends. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.