Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

Remember me? I am your oldest child. I am your daughter. I’m the one that couldn’t live up to your standards anymore. I’m the one you chose your new husband, two children and religion over. I suppose I should put this in order of importance. Religion. Husband. Son. Daughter #2, your friends. Your “worldly family.” Your home, then perhaps me. I’m still not certain I even make it this high up on the list. Never-the-less, you will soon find yourself all alone in the name of your religion and that makes me sad.

I should resent you. I shouldn’t care one bit what happens, but you are my mother. You decided to keep me and I believe with all my heart, you did the best with the hand you were dealt. At least for the first years of my life.

I inquired about you today. I had to when I found out your golden boy, your only son had moved half way across the country to start a new life with his wife and two kids.

You’ve allowed yourself to become crippled by not living. You don’t have any clue as to how much money you have in the bank. You have no clue as to how to pay a bill. Your son has taken care of you since your husband died back in 2021.

You have two daughters who live an hour from you and you tossed us aside like we don’t even exist. We would have taken care of you and asked nothing in return. We just wanted you to be our mom. We wanted to be chosen by you over your religion. We might not believe the way you do, but, we are good people who are living a good life.

When you chose to not speak to me anymore it was during the most difficult time in my life. I was not only leaving my marriage, I was leaving behind a life. I knew nothing about living my life on the outside of the religion, but I’m doing okay now. I really am.

Mother, I thought all my anger and disappointment towards you had gone away. Obviously it hasn’t. You will always be my mother. We are forever tied by the fact I grew into your daughter within your womb.

You and your husband chose your son to handle your affairs and take care of you. He’s the only one who has access to anything. He has become someone you are so reliant on and he left.

While I hold no ill feelings towards him or wish him anything bad in life, I just don’t get it. I’m told his wife hates living on your property, even though she has her own home. I’m told you don’t like the way she is raising her kids and you tell her all the time how to run the show. Maybe that’s the reason they’re moving away. Far away.

I begged you nearly 10 years ago to find out how much you and your husband where worth. I asked you to know what bank accounts you had. What it cost to live in your home. You were met with, “it’s none of your business. I take care of you. I give you everything you want. Somethings you don’t need to know.”

It was and is your business. The one person who knows has moved a couple thousand miles away. Even he told you not to worry. He would take care of everything. You told him the day he left that he looked at bad as his dad right before he died.

The stress my brother must be under is horrific. He wants to care for you, I think and he needs to stick by his wife, no matter the cost. His only option is to move away, so far away.

I’m sure my brother is stressed. I’m sure it’s killing him inside to be forced to move away. Maybe if there was more kindness between you and his wife you wouldn’t be clueless and feeling uncertain as to what your future holds.

Oh wait! Your future. I forgot. Armageddon is coming any day now. Your religion promises that no matter what, God will take care of you. I pray he does. I sincerely mean that. It’s from the bottom of my heart where I pray God sees how brainwashed living in a cult has made you. You’ve lived 55 years of your life preaching the end is near. Maybe it is. I have no clue, but I do know this. The day I left my marriage and the your religion, the one that requires you to shun your daughters for changing their belief system, that one. The day I left was the day I truly found a genuine relationship with God.

God is there for those that suffer. He might not always answer our prayers the way we think He should, but He does answer. He doesn’t allow us to suffer more then we can handle. He loves us. He gave his son as a ransom sacrifice so we could be forgiven for our sins.

Mother, it is really tearing me up inside knowing you are going to be alone. What if nobody is there or you can’t cry out for help if you fall? What happens if you suffer a heart attack. A stroke? Who, if anyone will find you?

You continue to live in a bubble. You are a smart woman. You can pop your bubble and at the very least, learn to take care of yourself and your obligations.

You gave up driving because it didn’t suite you anymore. How are you going to get your necessities met? Just the basics? I hope your son can manage your affairs being so far away.

In 2003 your husband changed all your phone numbers. Remember? I had no way of contacting you. I tried over and over and over again. I even wrote you a letter. A few days later I received in bright red letters across the envelope, return to sender.

You didn’t contact me again until 2007. In those short few years a niece was born. You couldn’t even tell me I had a niece. You never told me I had a nephew born and another nephew born 2 years ago.

I am your daughter and I would have made sure you were okay. You still refuse to have contact with me because I left a toxic marriage. You shun me because I don’t believe in your God anymore. I believe in God. I have a relationship with him, but that’s not enough and that makes me sad.

I’m not sure you’ll ever read this letter and that’s okay. It’s something I needed to write and share so I can heal.

I truly do hope and pray that you are okay alone. I pray your son continues to take care of you even though he’ll be living 1800 miles away. I hope he can restore peace to his home and I pray he and his wife can continue to make their marriage work. I pray, no matter what life choices they make, I hope they are happy and it’s okay if they chose not to worship the God you raised him to fear. Maybe as he escapes life here he’ll escape the cult you raised him in. I know it will break your heart having all three of your children out of the religion, but maybe one day you too will wake up and see you’ve been lied to. Maybe you can one day forgive us all for choosing a different direction other then the cult for our lives and for our children’s lives.

Mother, I forgive you and I understand why you can’t talk to me and my sister. I understand how deeply indoctrinated you are. I get it. As far as the God of Watchtower is concerned, your daughters don’t exist. So in your world, you follow your God and in his teachings, we don’t exist.

You deserve to be happy. You are entitled to worship God the way you feel is right and for that reason, I can’t hold a grudge anymore. I have to let go of anger, though the hurt may always be there.

I am a mother and the day I gave birth, I made the same promise you made to God. I promised to raise my sons to know their creator, but I also promised if either of them left my religion, I would NEVER shun them. They would always be welcome in my home and in my life. I would chose my sons over the religion that breaks families apart any day and every day.

My children chose me when I left the religion and they’ve followed me out the door.

Mother, whatever life throws at you I hope you know that even though I can’t be in your life and you can’t be in mine, I want you to be okay.

I think about you. I think about what a relationship between you and I would have been like if you didn’t join the cult. How different things may have been. We’ll never know, will we?

We all have a life to live. We all have choices to make. Some of those decisions are good, some not so good.

I’m happy. I found a man who loves me for me. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t kiss me. Not a day goes by he doesn’t hug me. Not a day goes by when he doesn’t just sit and ask how I am.

He doesn’t raise his voice. When I’m afraid he’s right there by my side. When I’m going crazy he makes things better. He loves my sons as though they were his. We have 4 sons between us and we love them all equally.

You’d like John. I know you would. I know you hate the fact I left my marriage. Please understand, I had to. I can’t explain the why’s here, but believe me when I say, I had to.

Mother, John is a good man. He’s so kind, loving, compassionate and he loves me the way a man should love a woman. He’s what every girl dreams of. I was never made love to in my 30+ years of marriage. I had to submit to my husband. He owned me and that’s how I always felt. I was his property to do with what he wanted, but it’s so different with John.

Oh mother, John melts my world. He makes love to me and with me. All I’ve ever wanted was and is to be loved.

I’ve told John I don’t think he’ll ever meet you. Kinda sad don’t you think? He’s an incredible man and you will most likely never meet him. Your religion would accept him, but because I left the religion, you can’t accept me. Pretty messed up.

Mother, I hope you always find comfort in the god you worship. I hope He truly does take care of you. I could never ask you to leave all you know, yet I hope while you’re sitting alone you think about your daughters and the lives we live. We didn’t leave the church and become hookers, drug addicts. We didn’t become compulsive drinkers. We became happy and we are living our best lives. We have good partners in life. We have amazing kids. Kids you’ve chosen to discard.

You’ve missed out on so much because of religion. I hope when your final day arrives, I hope you aren’t alone. That’s my biggest fear. I don’t want you dying alone. I pray when your time does come that you can close your eyes and have little to no regrets.

You’ve done life your way. Good for you.

Even though you don’t believe your husband went to heaven. You believe you’ll see him again during a resurrection after God destroys this world, I hope no matter where he is, you find him. I know you loved him and I’m glad for that.

I was never your first choice. You were gifted your storybook life. A husband you loved and who loved you and two more children. You used to say you had two families. Me. Them. You drew a line from day one. I stayed in the cult for as long as I did and I served God the way you expected me to do. I listened to your every word. I just wanted you to love me. I wanted and needed you to love me unconditionally.

The day I closed the chapter of my life as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses was the day I knew I was no longer thought of by you.

Even though our paths most likely will never cross again, I’ll continue to pray for you. I hope the rest of your life is happy even though your three children are either dead to you or have moved away. You’re still young. What are you now, 77?

Mother, I hope those in your religion, in your congregation, I hope they will be there for you as you navigate life alone. I don’t want you to be alone. I want you to be surrounded by your friends in your religion. I don’t want them to forget you ever. I hope they’re the good people you’ve always professed them to be because if they are, my heart can rest knowing at least you have friends looking in on you from time to time.

As I end this letter to you, I want you to know: I’m okay. I’m happy and I’m loved beyond measure. God blessed me with John and our sons. I’m not a bad person. I only believe differently then you.

That stung for sure because I know it’s true, in my case anyway.

I understand.

She once upon a time broke me but I’ve found my way out of the brokenness and I’m healing the parts of me that I never thought possible.

From the time I left her home at 17 until now, I’ve lived a life trying not to be like her. I did a pretty good job for the most part. I’m sure there are still parts of me that are in her reflection, and that’s okay. Every day I can learn a new lesson and do my best to become a better me.

Sleep well everyone and don’t forget to say a little prayer for those who should be in your life but have made decisions to exit it for whatever reason.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.