Abuse

Happy Monday,

How are you all doing on this fabulous Monday night? Did you have a great day? I hope so. My day was good. Didn’t accomplish much, but it was good.

I was able to listen to some podcasts and I was able to get some ideas for my upcoming podcast. My friend and I started filming and we actually completed one entire podcast. We’re going to redo some of it because we want to make sure that when we release it, our audience can understand exactly where we’re coming from and how we want to help our listeners.

Michelle and I are super excited. Boy, does she have a story to tell as do I. It’s truly interesting how people from two different worlds can find so many similarities in their lives. God sure does work in some amazing ways.

I wanted to thank everyone who reached out regarding last week’s blog. I received an overwhelming amount of support for the subject matter regarding why do we stay in abusive relationships. I was so blow away reading your stories.

It makes my heart so sad knowing that some of you who reached out had a mom who stayed in an abusive relationship because of the teachings of the JW religion. It broke my heart hearing how some of you wanted to escape your relationship but didn’t think it was possible and simply, you didn’t know how.

When I wrote my blog last week it was because of a conversation I had with a friend. Our conversation triggered memories about my life, however, her question to me after telling me a about her own story was, “why did I stay?” My friend explained she wasn’t physically abused, however, she was mentally and verbally abused.

Abuse is abuse, whether it be physical, mental or verbal. It’s about control. The abuser wants control. According to Connections for Abused Women and their Children: “Patriarchal gender roles and expectations can also play a role in domestic abuse. Men who feel that they are entitled to power and control over their partners may be more likely to engage in abusive behavior (.Jun 8, 2023).

In my case, the religion/cult I was raised in taught men that they were the head of the house. They were the ones to make all decisions though it was suggested that men take into account what their wives thought. In all actuality, this reminder remained in the shadows of the real teaching that women were lesser then, at least when I was in the religion/cult that I’m blessed to be free from for the last 8 years.

So how does one escape abuse. Can someone escape an abusive relationship? The answer is yes, however, it’s not easy, in fact it may be one of the hardest things someone may ever have to do. A plan is a must, however, even with a plan, it won’t be easy.

First let me say, I’m no expert in this area, other than, I’ve experienced different types of abuse. If you or anyone you know is in danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

How does one get out of an abusive relationship? According to https://www.ourwave.org/post/5-steps-to-getting-out, they give 5 suggestions/steps on how to get out of an abusive relationship:

5 Steps to Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

1. Step 1: Acknowledge the Abuse. It can be difficult to identify if you are being abused. …
2. Step 2: Make the decision to leave. …
3. Step 3: Seek Support. …
4. Step 4: Create a safety plan. …
5. Step 5: Go no contact.

These steps are easier said then done. When someone, be it a woman or a man is abused so badly that they have lost all self-esteem and confidence, these steps aren’t easy, in fact, they might not even be realistic. Why do I say this? Because until we’ve walked in someone’s shoes, we don’t fully understand the grasp of the levels of abuse he/she endures on a daily, weekly, monthly or whatever basis they deal with.

It’s easy for people to sit back and judge, however, when a person, I’ll say a woman in this case simply because I can relate, but when a woman’s self-esteem has been slowly taken away from her because of the abuse she’s endured, the mere thought of leaving doesn’t seem tangible. Sometimes, we stay because we believe we aren’t worth anything better and we deserve the abuse being inflicted upon us.

I wasn’t given the tools as a child to handle abuse of any kind. I was taught from infancy that I was to be in complete subjection to my mother, her husband then my husband. The husband I married when I was barely 17. He was 26.

I’m not saying he was a bad person entirely. Some of his control is and was my fault. When I married him I was so groomed to be in complete subjection so much so that I handed over willingly my right to think for myself. Over the course of our marriage, I was a willing participant because of the many year of brainwashing I received from, not only my mother, but the cult.

I’ve come to realize one thing, we need to teach our children our daughters from an early age that abuse isn’t acceptable. We need to equip them with the tools should they ever need them to get away long before the abuse escalates or begins. We need to teach our children that they have a brain and the capability to think for themselves and their thoughts, opinions, dreams and ideas matter. It’s not okay to hand over your ability to think and make decisions to anyone. Relationships are partnerships, not dictatorships and I believe that’s the way God intended a couple to be, partners.

Physical abuse is never okay. Hit your partner once, your done. Raise a hand to your partner, your done. Belittle your partner, done. Sex without his/her consent, done. Abuse needs to stop.

We live in a society in my opinion of not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. We don’t want to offend. We think we can fix someone or a situation. That’s generally never the case especially if it’s a one way street.

My dear readers, maybe if we let our loved ones know they have choices. We reassure them they can come home. They aren’t weak because someone hit them or abused them. It’s not their fault and they will never be treated as though it were. Perhaps we’d see a little less abuse in this world we live in.

Like I said, I’m no expert on abuse and I will remind you again, if you think someone you know is being abused, call the National Hotline for Domestic Violence at 800-799-7233.

What I am an expert in is my own life experiences. I’m an expert on how it feels to have someone you love belittle you. I know what it’s like to have someone isolate you and take you from little to no self-esteem to the complete feeling of worthlessness and I wish I would have had the tools to walk away. I wish I would have had the tools to not give away my ability to think, dream, have opinions and ideas. I wish I would have learned early on how to be strong and independent while being a partner, not a slave.

I’m not saying every relationship that has endured abuse is doomed, though I believe most are or should be. I do believe strongly that therapy is a must and it under all circumstances, needs to be continued for a very, very, very long time.

I know many of us stay in abusive relationships out of pride. It’s out of fear. Maybe it’s out of desperation or we stay because we don’t believe we have options, but there are options, we just need find them and act on them.

Nobody deserves to be abused. Nobody deserves to feel worthless. Nobody is better then you or me.

Abuse on any level is never okay.

You matter and I matter. It took me long enough to figure that out and even though I know I matter, I still don’t have the level of self-esteem I would like. I lack self-confidence and I am working on this in my life. Writing helps. It’s become my outlet and the more I write, the better I become and I see that.

Life is short. Life is amazing and you are worthy of being treated with kindness, love and respect.

Never let someone put their hand on you. Recognize the signs of verbal and mental abuse and remember, just because you are in a relationship, it’s okay to say no.

Well guys, I’ll be chatting with you more tomorrow. Time got away from me and it’s time for me to be saying goodnight from my neck of the woods.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.