Life’s short

Happy Friday,

How are you all doing on this hot and breezy Friday afternoon? Any plans for the weekend? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

I wanted to thank everyone for the likes and for subscribing to my blog. You are helping me reach my goal of 100 subscribers by my birthday, which is rapidly approaching. If you have subscribed yet, I’d really appreciate it if you would, so please hit the subscribe button and you won’t miss any uploads.

I wanted to give you all an update on my MRI. It didn’t happen on Thursday like it was supposed to. You see, the brain MRI was ordered by my neurologist, but my neurosurgeon who I met with on Wednesday afternoon decided he wanted me to have the brain scan without contrast, with contrast and he added the thoracic spine scan to the brain scans. UGH, I’ll be in the tube for 2 hours. Sedate me now!

While I was totally okay having my MRI canceled for yesterday, I do have to figure out a way to not think about it for my upcoming appointment on the 11th. Holy heck I hate those things and now, not just 15-20 in the tube, I’ll be riding that thing for 2 hours. Breathe in, 1. 2.3.4.5. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Release, 1.2.3.4.5.

Still nervous, but thanks to my therapist for showing me the breathing techniques. I think I worked my nerves up so much I actually got sick. I got up yesterday morning, walked the pups and came back in the house and went right back to bed. I even hiked a fever. Ended up sleeping all day and night. Got up at 5 this morning, walked the pups and rested for the better part of the day. Now, going to get ready to join my kiddos, their amazing gals and my sis Jeannie, her hubby and John for dinner at Shogun.

Before we head out though, I thought it would be nice to write for a few moments. I can’t believe I haven’t posted in 3 days. When life happens, it sure throws a glitch in my giddy up for writing and I hate not having my writing time.

It’s funny, just a few years back I would have felt the sting of missing out on something I enjoyed doing, but I would have found a way to be okay with allowing things to take me away from my passions. No more of that nonsense. First, I have a man that encourages me to write. He’s always asking me if I’ve posted another blog. If I say no, he’ll ask me if I need time to write. He’s so supportive and that helps me stay focused on what’s truly important to me.

While writing is my passion and I believe my calling, John and my kids are of course my priority, but they’re all at an age where 99.9% of the time, I can get done the things I need to do before doing the things they may need me to do. Oh, the wonders of having a partner who wants me to have my time and space to write and kiddos old enough to shuffle life on their own for the most part.

“I’ve lost so much of myself being what everyone else needed me to be, I could scarcely remember who I was…. but no more. Life’s too short to be anything other than who I am, who I want to be, and who I need to be.”-The Soul Leaf.

As I sit here writing to you all today, I am filled with love, joy and so much happiness, my heart could explode from the feelings running through my soul.

John is here at home with me in the lake. We’ve begun our journey and enjoying lake life. We have 4 beautiful and amazing sons, each one so different and unique.

I am beyond grateful to be writing and living my dream and I love how lake life has immersed Johns soul too. I don’t think either one of us sees living anywhere but here.

I am finally who I was meant to be. I am writing and enjoying every moment my fingers graze the keys my laptop. I love sound of my fingers touching each and every key as I write to you. I’m excited that I have the support of so many family, friends and framily as I embark on my new blog site. I can’t tell you the name of it just yet. I need John and Jeannie to get it set up for me, but once that’s done, I’m ready to rock and roll.

I’ve spent more than half my life living the life that was expected of me. I lived a life where I simply went through the motions. The only thing I did right was my sons and they still missed out on so much.

When I left my marriage of 30+ years I left an entire life behind. I wasn’t even sure if my sons would ever forgive me. I knew they would always love me, but forgiving me was a whole other animal in itself.

I sheltered the boys from everything negative and bad, at least I thought I did. The longer I’ve been a part from their dad, they are seeing what I had to endure and believe me, what they see isn’t even to the levels I endured and I’m thankful for that.

My life was planned out for me. When I told my mother that I tested super high in English and on an aptitude test for writing and journalism, she told me to disregard it all and if I didn’t I wasn’t welcome in her home anymore. When I told her I’d like to become a nurse, again I was met with, “if you go onto college, then you won’t be living in my home anymore. You won’t be allowed back, ever.”

Every dream I had was squashed. Instead, I got married to a 26 year old man when I was barely 17 years old. I went from one person thinking for me to another.

As I look back on my life, I believe strongly, it was the books I would find a way to get and read that kept the slight glimmer of hope alive.

Now look at me, I’m writing a blog and I’ve made so many amazing connections in the blogging world. I feel like we’ve become friends and I love that. I have friends and family reading my blog and you are all so encouraging to me. I don’t know what I ever did in this life to have this amazing support system. I give thanks for each and everyone of you every day, even those of you I don’t know. I am blessed.

I am no longer lost and each day, I’m seeing who I was meant to be. No regrets, I have the greatest sons any mom could ever ask for. I might be on the down slope of life, but what a ride it’s been and it’s only picking up speed. I am becoming who I want to be and more importantly, I’m becoming who I need to be.

Life’s to short to be unhappy. By no means am I telling anyone to just throw in the towel to any relationship, in fact, if at all possible, make it work, your kids need to see you do everything possible to make it work. It will make them see that hard work can pay off and in the event it still doesn’t work, at least they can say, you tried.

My kids saw me try. They saw me beg and plead with no results. They saw me leave. They saw me fall in love. They saw a man come into my life and treat me like his queen. They saw and continue to see the hurt their father did to me and while they wish it would have worked, they also say, “mom, just be happy, we love you.”

My dear readers, life is short and I chose my path. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I hurt a lot of people along the way and for that, I am truly sorry. I am mostly sorry for the pain I not only caused my children but for the pain I hid from them.

My advice to you is simple. Think before you take action. Weigh it all out. It’s not always greener on the other side. Even for John and I we find murky spots, and that’s okay, because we both finally found someone that loves us the way we not only need to be loved, but the way we deserve to be love. That’s not always the case. So use caution before you proceed on any path.

Life is short, find the good and happiness in your life. Leaving isn’t always the answer, it seldom is, especially if you have two people willing to work on things, but when you have one that absolutely refuses, you have to either accept it or find a way to deal with it. There’s no right answer, at least not one I can give. I don’t live in your household, so I don’t know the “real” and true story. I only know mine.

Staying for me would have meant I’d still be held captive in a cult I no longer believed in. I would have had to shun one of my sons since he never took to the cult and my other son, though he “took” to it, he never really truly believed it. His life style shows me that. I would have had to choose my religion over my kids and that could never of happened. I would have never been allowed to write or think for myself, and this is just the tip of the Q. There’s so much more, but I’ll save that for another time.

Speaking of time, it’s slipping away and my kiddo will be here soon to take John and I out to dinner. Can’t wait.

Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.