I can only be there

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing on this amazing Thursday evening? All is well in my neck of the woods. Sat at BMW this morning for two hours waiting on Johns car to finish up. Oil change, and his headlight came lose. Final outcome, they had to order him an entire new headlight, so he’ll have to wait until Monday to get his car back. He’ll have mine for the next few days, so I think he’ll be alright.

Last night I went to dinner with my friend who lost her daughter last month. She’s doing as well as can be expected. She’s going through the motions of keeping busy, working and going to dinner with friends a couple of nights a week.

We had a wonderful dinner and then we just sat and talked for over an hour. At the beginning of our meet up, she wanted me to fill her in on everything going on with my health and attorney stuff, so I did. I figured she needed to listen for a bit, but once we got on the topic of her recent loss, her sadness came out and she just needed me to listen.

When she began talking about her daughter, I said a quick prayer and asked God to help me keep quiet when needed and more importantly, to say the right things. Right as I completed my quick, yet silent prayer, my friend said she wanted to share something with me. She told me that as she was walking home from her daughters grave site, a butterfly walked all the way home with her, all the way up to her front door, then it fluttered away, straight up to the sky.

I asked her, have you ever known butterflies to hang out that closely and for that long of a period with anyone? She paused and said, “no.” She then commented that butterflies are usually seen in groups of at least two or more, and that this butterfly sort of hung out right above her shoulder, and it was alone.

I shared with her my thoughts on butterflies. I told her that whenever things are going crazy for me, or when I’m doubting myself, I see a single butterfly and I know it’s my dad letting me know everything will be okay. When my brother Jimmy was here visiting, he saw that single butterfly too. Not sure if he totally believed it was dad, but he sure did have to admit, it’s totally plausible. Jimmy said he knows dad’s nearby when for no reason at all, his lights flicker.

Anyway, my friend thought about her new butterfly friend and said, “it’s okay for me to believe that’s my daughter. Maybe she was letting me know she’s okay now and that she’s grateful for the beautiful flowers that I left on her grave that morning.”

We talked about her faith and religion and it seemed right to tell her, “she wasn’t supposed to die before you. This isn’t the way the circle of life should go. We should never have to bury our child, no matter how old that child is.”

With tears in her eyes, she said, “I have to believe that she is no longer in pain. I have to realize that her life was becoming more difficult with her MS and she was hurting, not only physically, but mentally. Now, she’s no longer suffering. She’s at peace and surrounded by generations of family who are there with her.”

My friend took a deep breath and it was almost like watching God remove the anxiety and heaviness that she’s been carrying around since her daughters passing. My friend looked at me and said, “for the first time in my daughters life, I don’t have to worry about her driving to and from work and getting in an accident. I don’t have to worry if she woke up this morning. I don’t have to wonder if she is okay at work. She’s finally in a better place, but God, I do miss her.”

I can’t imagine how hard it is to not only have your child pass away, but to have been there as they battled MS and cancer for years, not to mention, depression. How do you say goodbye, yet feel a sense of relief that your child is no longer suffering. Those mixed emotions must be so beyond difficult to navigate.

For now, my friend is okay. She has a long journey ahead of her trying to navigate a new normal without her daughter. In the meantime, all I can do is be there when she needs me. I can check in with her to make sure she’s okay and I can let her know she’s being thought of. I can make a point to remember certain dates in which I know will be a trigger for. Birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, those will all be possible trigger days for my friend.

When we lose someone we love so much, or in this case, my friend lost her daughter, I don’t think there’s a way to console them other than to just let them know how sorry we are for their loss and be there for them if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to. We can’t fix anything when it comes to loss. It’s a process each individual must face and navigate on their own. We can most certainly be present, but loss affects each individual differently for different reasons.

Losing my dad was one of the hardest losses I’ve ever faced and it was true for my brothers as well. My brothers and I, we grieved differently and for different reasons if that makes sense? We shared the loss of our dad, but my loss was different then theirs. I was his only daughter and he was absent from my life for a very long time. My older brother John grieved for the dad he hadn’t seen since he was a little boy, Jimmy grieved because his bond with dad was incredibly strong and dad was always there for him. Donald grieved different because he and dad weren’t always on the same wave link and they often had disagreements, though they loved each other despite them. Donny, well, after dad died, he’s disappeared from most all of our lives. The point is, we all lost our dad. We all grieved his passing. We all miss him. We all miss something different about him. We all needed and need dad differently, and that’s okay.

“A thousand moments I had taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more.”-Morgan Matson.

I think this is true for most of us. We take for granted the time that is gifted to us and sadly, we take for granted the time our loved ones, family and friends are gifted to us. We often assume we’ll have tomorrow, but tomorrow is never promised.

I missed my tomorrow with dad. I had called him on a Monday and he couldn’t talk because hospice was coming out. I told him I’d call him tomorrow, and I got busy. I figured I would call him the next day, but when the next day came along, before I could call him, he had fallen asleep and left this world. I took for granted that my time with him was slipping away.

My friend lost her daughter and she has regrets about things that were left unspoken. She has sadness for the things she misses and she feels a void in her life.

I’d like to dedicate this poem to my friend today:

“There’s a special angel in Heaven that is a part of me. It is not where I wanted her to be, but where God wanted her to be. She was here but just a moment like a nighttime shooting star. And though she is in Heaven, she isn’t very far. She touched the hearts of many, like only an angel can do. I would’ve held her every minute if the end I only knew. So send this special message to Heaven up above: Please take care of my angel God and send her all my love.”-Unknown.

Perhaps we all have a special angel in Heaven above. Perhaps we are missing someone terribly today. Maybe we just lost the love of our life or a child. Whatever the case may be, whatever you are feeling, it’s okay. Your feelings are yours and yours alone.

I am here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. I am here for you if you have a journey to share. Just reach out. I want this blog and community to be there for each other, supporting one another and I never want anyone to feel alone.

We hopefully can see ourselves in the stories of others. I know I didn’t say that quite right, but a wonderful YouTuber, Wendi Renay says something along these lines on her posts and it always rings true for me.

My dear readers, before I say goodbye for today, I’d like to leave you with this final thought: “Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.”-LindaMcDonaldAuthor.com.

Thank you everyone for taking time out of your busy lives to read today’s blog. Tomorrow I’ll hopefully be writing you from the Navigator of the Seas. Taking a quick weekend trip to celebrate friendships and a couple birthdays. Ladies only cruise with some of my dearest friends here in the lake.

Until next time, I do hope you had a wonderful day. Don’t forget, Love Life++ Hugs.