Triggers

Happy Friday,

How are you doing today? It’s Friday and it’s just hours from the weekend. Can you believe it’s already January 5. We are 5 days into the new year and it seems like time is just flying by. How are those new years resolutions going for you? Drop me a text, comment or shoot me a text. I love hearing from you all.

This year, I’m off to a quiet start. I’m enjoying my home in the lake and time with John. He’s heading to Denver next week, so I’ll be missing him, but on a good note, I’ve decided to head back to the gym for some swimming. It’s the one exercise the doctors say is good for me. I think they figure if I fall, I’ll be in water, so I won’t get hurt.

You may have noticed the title of this blog is, Triggers. The word trigger has a couple of different meanings, but today, I wanted to talk about mental health and the meaning of triggers concerning this topic, however, before I get to writing about mental health and triggers, let me first say, I’m not a doctor, nor an expert in the medical, mental or any other health industry, my topics only relate to my own personal experiences, or those that have talked to me about certain subject matters and have allowed me to write about their experiences.

What exactly is a trigger in mental health? According to mentalhealth.com, “in mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme overwhelm or distress. A trigger affects your ability to remain present in the moment.”

Can you see yourself in that definition? Holy heck, I can. I’m doing better with things that trigger me, but sometimes, I’m caught off guard and I have a panic attack, or I completely shut down and hide away within myself, to the point, I can’t explain any given thought running through my head.

Last night I felt myself being triggered. I was able to recognize it and cope much better than I have in the past, however, I’m still a bit shook up about the incident that happened last night. You see, my ex still tries to control me in many ways. Now before you say I should block him or whatever, I have to say, I can’t right now for reasons I can’t explain to you at this time. With that being said, here’s where my trigger began.

I get a text from the ex around 8 last night ordering me to do something that benefits him. I replied to him and told him to talk to his attorney, the situation is out of my hands and that he needed to take it up with the court or his legal council. He then proceeds to order me to get remarried, like NOW. Ummm, I don’t think my love life is any of his concern, then he proceeds to order me to write a letter in his behalf, to once again, help him. This was the basics of the non stop texts he sent my way for nearly 2 hours. I only responded once and I think that made him mad, because his texts got a little nastier before he finally ended it with the “write me a letter and email it now to me”.

Whenever I hear his text come through, I get tense. The trigger for me is the constant ordering me to do something. The cult I was raised in taught me from infancy, that a woman’s place is behind the man and we were to be silent. A woman’s opinion was taken into consideration on a really low, low, low scale. If a husband told his wife to do something, we were taught to be totally submissive to him. While I’m not married to this man anymore and we’ve been apart over 7 years, the triggers are still very real in my world.

I have triggers in part, because of the mind control I was under for 45 years. When a person is born into a cult and escapes that life style, much of the time they leave with some form of PTSD. Being in a cult for so long, it’s thought that not only am I diagnosed with PTSD, but with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is mental health condition a person develops from long term, chronic trauma. (Australian Parliament House.)

What are some of the triggers or symptoms of complex PTSD? In an article from the Cleveland Clinic, it says cult victims often experience depression, suicidal tendencies, feelings of loss and loneliness, anxiety, panic attacks, anger, guilt, along with nightmares and flashbacks.

So when my ex reaches out and become agitated and bossy, it’s a trigger and sometimes it takes me awhile to get out of that space of anxiety, anger, guilt and the panic attack that is brought on by his demands.

I know I’m not the only one who suffers from panic attacks, and all the emotions those bring on, many of you do too. I know one thing that has helped me immensely is therapy. I am actually in the process of getting a new therapist for two reasons, one, my insurance changed and two, I want to work with someone who works with ex-cult members. I know I still have some unraveling to take care of for my own mental health, and I know I need to learn how to rid myself of the guilt of raising my amazing boys in the same cult I was raised in. Thankfully, neither of them are a part of it anymore, but one of my kiddos struggles with dealing with the new mom, the mom who now embraces holidays, birthdays and life. He’s not used to me doing these things, so I need to learn to communicate in a healthier way with him so he and I can both be in a better place since we left the religion/cult.

Triggers are real and just because we have them, doesn’t make us mental or crazy, it makes us human. Triggers, if dealt with professionally with a trained professional, can be managed. I know for me, I spent time in intense therapy, and, I was okay for awhile, but now, I’m feeling the need to get back to a safe place with a therapist. I believe it’s because of all the little things in my life that seem to be causing panic attacks. I guess my point here is, just because you go into therapy, doesn’t mean you have to be in it forever, it means, once you recognize certain traits you have, you work on those, and maybe you never need to go back to therapy, but sometimes, you need to revisit getting the mental help that is out of your control or out of your ability to deal with, and that’s okay.

I had a therapist tell me once, “your not weak for being here, others on the outside are weak, those that know something is wrong, but they refuse to seek mental health help.” That has stuck with me ever since. I am walking away from the shame of saying I need mental health help and embracing that sometimes I need a little extra guidance in dealing with the mess in my head. I’m not crazy, but I do suffer from deep seeded anxiety. I have panic attacks, not only from the cult life I lived, but from a bad car accident.

I have a deep faith in God and I have long conversations, or prayers with him. I have a wonderful support system and my family and friends are truly a blessing and gift in my life. I couldn’t be more thankful for what a wonderful life has been gifted me. I just sometimes need to get my thoughts in check.

In my previous life, my ex would have never allowed me to seek mental health help, he despised it, but John, he’s so different. He supports me seeing a therapist. He supports me getting healthy in anyway I need, even regarding mental health. I think I’m pretty lucky having him by my side.

My dear readers, if you are suffering from triggers, or from sadness, depression, anxiety or any other mental health concern/issue, please seek help. I’m here to tell you, by doing so, you are a strong individual, stronger than you probably realize, and one to be admired.

My goal this year with my blogs is to be more open about mental health and talk more about it. Again, I’m not an expert, but I am an expert in my life and I can share with you how I navigate certain situations.

If you feel you are struggling, please reach out to a medical professional right away. You matter in this world. You are uniquely made and that’s what makes this world so wonderful.

We are at the beginning of a new year and with that new year, while we are trying our best to become physically healthy, why not incorporate our mental health into our resolutions and make sure we are mentally healthy as well. Just my opinion, however, it’s at the top of my to do list.

Well guys, I need to sign off for now. Heading to dinner with John’s family. Until next time, take care of yourselves and don’t forget, Love Life++