Always a cost

Happy Thursday everyone-

It’s official, we are only a week away from Thanksgiving. Are you defrosting those turkeys yet? Mine is in the fridge and should be ready to cook on Thanksgiving Day. Of course I had to go and get a 26 pound bird. Shoot me a text, drop me a comment and let me know how you’re doing and how those turkey day plans are going. I love hearing from each and everyone of you.

So much has happened in 2023, I don’t even know where to start. One thing I can be sure of is, I’m excited to see what is in store for 2024. John and I have some wonderful plans in the making and fingers crossed, we are able to accomplish all of those plans. I’ll keep you posted, but for now, we are keeping things on the down low. Don’t want to jinx anything.

This blog is dedicated to everyone out there that has struggled, is struggling and especially for those contemplating what to do next, and hats off to all of you wonderful folks who have taken the leap of faith on taking care of you, because we all matter in this life.

I’ve had some pretty intense conversations with some dear friends who I refer to as family. I’ve also had my Instagram page flooding lately with quotes that go something like, “if someone drops you or gets mad at you over things unintentional, and all of a sudden they become your enemy, they were never your friend to begin with. You simply were serving some purpose in their life.” How true that is. You may be wondering what this all has to do with this blog? Well, its simple. When we finally make our feelings important and recognize that they count, when we finally begin to love ourselves, we won’t go running back to those old friendships or relationships where we were only filling someone else’s needs and allowing ours to fall nothing but short.

You matter in this life. I matter in this life and standing up for ourselves can cost us. It can cost us things we never thought imaginable, and guess what, that’s okay and you will be okay. It takes time and we all defiantly transgress back to what is familiar, but think of this. Do we want to settle or do we want to live the best life possible? You know, the life God planned for us. He always gives us the path we need to be on, it’s just sometimes we put on those blinders and fail to look carefully for the signs.

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked, and understood. But it doesn’t matter. Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward. And instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of being understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.”-Brianna Weist.

I had my entire life laid out for me. I knew from my upbringing I was to be a wife and mother and I was taught that I couldn’t think for myself, that is unscriptural according to my upbringing. Believe me when I tell you, undoing that mindset has and continues to be one of my biggest struggles even to this day. Sometimes I leave decisions to John to make and while he’s always there to guide me, he encourages me too to embrace my feelings on certain subjects. John refuses to think for me, unless I’m in a super dark place and I can’t even formulate a thought. It’s during those times he holds me tight and helps me begin, one word at a time, one thought at a time, until it’s clear in my head. Until I can think again for myself. I love him for that. He’s my rock, my strength and my support and he’s the one that encourages me to venture out in this world and follow my dreams and ambitions.

One thing that I lost when I walked away from my previous life was community. Being raised in a cult, you are part of a community of people who think like you do. Maybe it’s because we are told how to think, what to think and how to life our lives down to the very last detail, including how we have sex in the bedroom.

I’m here to tell you this much, even though leaving my previous life came with great cost, it has also come with great rewards. For as long as I can remember, I dreamt of being loved like the way romantic movies show true love and I dreamed of having a home where I didn’t have to ask permission to put something on the wall and I dreamt my entire life of having my very own Christmas Tree. I’ve had many more dreams and I’m working towards them all and for the very first time, I have someone by my side who let’s me be me, chaotic brain and all.

When we stop conforming to others ideas of how our life should be, do we allow them to bring us down, or do we show gratitude for what positive things they’ve brought into our life, what lessons they’ve taught us and then, in our own way, bid them farewell. People bid us farewell all the time, and that’s okay. If we can leave a positive and lasting mark on their lives, and them on our lives, then all is the way its supposed to be. It’s when we allow hate into our lives and hearts that the taste of vomit swirls around in our mouth when certain names are mentioned. We cannot allow others to take up so much space in our minds that they in some way control our thoughts and actions. I know I’m guilty of caring too much what others think of me and while I want to always do my best to treat others well and kindly, I need to set healthy boundaries for how much space they take up in my life.

I have a brother, well, 5 if you’re counting and 1 sister, and guess what, they’ve all had a lasting imprint on my life. Each and everyone of them has given me the gift of having a sibling and they’ve all given me lessons in life. I love them all, no matter what our relationship looks like today.

I recently had one brother tell me off, more than once by way of text. He belittles me and calls me names and not long ago, it would have bothered me to the point where I would take it, accept it and then try to make him happy. Guess what, I’m done with that and I’m proud of myself for being strong enough to realize I don’t need that in my life. I actually have figured out I like myself enough to not allow that in my life any longer. I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept bad behavior anymore.

The cost of not taking my brothers verbal abuse? He doesn’t like me anymore.

Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons and gosh almighty, let me tell you one thing I wish I knew earlier in life and that is, by me allowing people in my previous life to treat me the way they did, including my ex, I was showing my boys that I didn’t value myself enough. I didn’t love myself enough and that cost me years of not having the relationship with them like I did when they were younger. It’s taken me years to build up my relationship with both my sons and it was worth every ounce of effort I put into it. I have an even stronger relationship with both of them and they are not only my sons, they are two of my biggest loves in life. Both of them talk to me about anything and everything they want. They include me in their lives and it’s wonderful. They accept me for me and they accept John which means the world to me. I am blessed that my sons have grown into fine, hardworking and love men.

So while things come at a cost, sometimes the return is better than you ever imagined. Just have faith and rely on your creator for guidance, because without that power of prayer, it’s really hard to conquer letting go of the things that aren’t good for us.

I sure hope this blog finds each and everyone of you well. I hope more than anything, when you lay your head on your pillow tonight, before you close your eyes, thank the Lord for always being there for you and don’t forget to say out loud, I am worthy, I am love and I have something amazing to offer this world, because you my dear readers, you are, not only made in His image, you are perfect, just the way you are and you are worthy of having the best life possible.

Until next time, please don’t forget, Love Life++