A Memory

Happy Tuesday everyone,

How are you all doing on the beautiful day? I hope your well and enjoying this wonderful weather we’ve been having. Sunny days followed by cool evenings, life is good? It’s been a moment since I’ve checked in with everyone, and I do apologize for that, it’s just been a crazy journey over the last few months. I’d love to hear how you’re all doing, so drop me a comment or shoot me a text and let me know how life is treating you.

Life sure has a way of keeping us on our toes, and that’s the one thing I’m most certain of. I’ve had a lot on my plate. I had to step aside from the things I love and just let go and let God for a time. With so much happening, I needed the time to sit with my spirituality and give my heart over to my creator and beg for his guidance. I’ve recently come to the understanding, it’s not just praying to God, it’s taking the time to read my Bible. I believe by doing that, the answers to the questions that lurk within me will be answered.

Another thing that’s been weighing heavily on me is the amount of pain medication I’ve needed to take. The pain in my leg and lower back has been almost unbearable. The pain meds only seem to be easing the pain, and sadly, not getting rid of it. With that being said, I did have to take a trip to the ER and let’s just say, I was surprised by the results of my tests. I follow up with my primary doctor next week and I’m confident she’ll have a game plan in place to allow my body to heal.

One thing that the pain meds do to me, besides allowing me to semi-function, is they bring on nightmares and vivid dreams. Some of the dreams have left me thinking a lot about my dad. Missing him every day. I had so much more I wanted to tell him before he took his last breath. One more I love you. I wish I could have told him that I’m going to be okay. I’ve been told that I need to completely let him go, because he can’t rest in peace or move onto his next journey until I release the hold I have on him. Funny, talking about him moving forward to a new life is so out of character from the things I used to believe.

Some people believe when we pass on, we simply go to heaven or perhaps a hell. Others believe we go onto a new life, and some believe we become angels who watch over our loved ones. Whatever you believe, I hope it brings you peace. My peace in losing my dad lies within my belief that he’s watching over me and my brothers.

I have a memory that plays over and over and over again in my mind. There was a time when I was about nine or ten, I was left with a babysitter who was extremely abusive. I felt I had to be a tough little girl and not cry, so when I could be left in silence from my monster, I would sit and look out the window at the traffic light. I’d watch it go from red to green to yellow to red. Over and over again.

When I have night terrors or when I’m simply taken back to dark times in my life, I am able to appreciate the little things and I know that the bad that happened to me while growing up, or through my life, those are the things that made me who I am today.

I’ve had time lately to think about where my life is headed, especially since I took some time off from writing, and I can honestly say, I can’t see myself doing anything but writing. It’s become a huge part of who I am. My life’s journey has landed me in this one particular certainty.

“As I stood in the shadow, I watched the little girl. Quietly as she sat there. I wonder if she would listen if I tried to talk to her, try to reassure her that life doesn’t always stay in this moment. That there will be moments of happiness. That not everyone she meets will be a monster. That she, even if she doesn’t believe it now, will survive what life throws her way. But I know it’s too late, the seeds of darkness have already planted in her soul. The sadness of her heart was already in her eyes. Sadly, her innocence had already been stolen and she was already lost. She would be one of those lonely souls forever searching for her way home, a journey she had to walk alone. As I continue to watch her, wiping the tears from my cheeks, it is then I realized, the little girl was me and I was reliving a memory. -Margie Watts.

The vision of seeing a little girl, sitting by her windowsill, looking out, waiting for her dad to return. Watching the lights flash from red to green, back to red, then green again. Cars and trucks going about their business, driving down the road, yet no big rig in which her daddy was driving ever stopped to rescue her. Resucue her from the life that was hurting her so deeply.

That little girl was me. Looking back at that memory has helped me realize, that even though my dad never came back to get me, the life I was living, the one that took my innocence, helped me find my compassion for others, no matter who they are or what their circumstances hold, I can give my heart over to fellow feeling, rather than judgement. Oh, I fall short to judging others, I think we all do, however, I think if we reflect on the difficulties in our lives, it gives us the opportunity to chime into our fellow feeling.

I’ve finally come to realize, the life I grew up with, made me a stronger person, it taught me lessons on motherhood and it helped me be a better mom to my boys. The negative on my life’s journey is in allowing it to take my self-confidence. That’s one of my biggest struggles, even today.

I think when we all look in the mirror, we tend to see our flaws more than our strengths. I wish we could all look in the mirror and see our strengths, rather than our flaws.

I encourage you all to take a moment and search deep within yourselves and find that one memory that gave you strength without you even realizing it. It’s that one where you’ll find definition of who you are and perhaps, that’s the one in which you can have that a-ha moment and see when you found your inner strength. Was it when you were lost in a mall? Or at an amusement park? You were stronger than you thought in that moment, after all, it took inner courage for you to trust the person helping you, or the courage to just stop where you were and wait to be found. Maybe you had a sibling pass at a young age, or a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle that you loved so so much. It took strength for you to live your life without them. It still requires strength. While our pain still lingers, we begin to reflect more that we hurt. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know there’s that one song that takes you back to that person and you shed a tear or two, maybe you see a photo. We all have those moments when the pain becomes so raw again, but Whatever the case may be, we all have that one memory that was the turning point in our life where strength began to grow.

Well guys, let me wrap up this blog for now, but before I go I’d like to say, I sure have missed you all. Though we don’t have a back and forth conversation, I still feel as though we are communicating, especially when you give me feedback. Hint hint, keep those texts and messages coming, after all, you make my day. I hope I’ve made yours.

Until next time by dear readers, enjoy this fabulous week and don’t forget, Love Life++