One Sided Relationships

Happy Wednesday evening everyone,

How are you all doing? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Shoot me a text or drop me a comment and let me know. I love hearing from everyone.

Thanksgiving was amazing for me. John and I went on a five-day cruise with some of our close friends and we had a wonderful time. It was nice because we did things together, yet we still had some us time, which is always a treasure to me. We came home early Friday, relaxed a bit, then we had Thanksgiving dinner here on Saturday with my boys and their wonderful gals. Making memories, that’s what this Thanksgiving was for me.

I wanted to jump right into the blog. I came across this quote that really made sense out of some of the struggles I’ve faced over the past few years. “That’s the thing, one sided relationships will kill you. They will drain you of your energy, drain you of your love, and they will, until there is nothing left. They will take and take and take and give nothing in return. Nothing to balance it out. They will leave your soul starving. Empty. Lost. Always looking for a way out. And it will be hard to leave because they usually pull you into the deep end. And it will take an incredible amount of determination and support to get you out of it. It will take an incredible realization too. Because one sided relationships are the hardest to get out of. And they are because you invest so much of yourself to try to make things work. You sacrifice so much for it. But you have to realize, that sooner or later you will have a choice to make. And you will have to make that decision solely for yourself. With only you in mind. You have to choose life. Choose love. Choose growth. Choose what’s best for you. No matter what. Choose the light. Follow it and let all of those toxic relationships go. Cause they’re no good for you. They will kill you. Drive you mad. And honestly, you owe yourself much better than that.”-R.M. Drake.

So much to take in with those words. For anyone that has been in a loveless relationship, I’m sure you will agree, it’s hard to walk away. It seems like the more someone pushes us away, the more we lose a sense of our worth. Maybe because we interpret the love we give and the denial of receiving it in return as though, we aren’t good enough. I don’t know, I’m not an expert by any means, however, I am an expert in my experience. All I can do is share it and hope it helps someone.

I’ve always been someone who gives the one I love my heart in entirety. My story isn’t unusual or even that uncommon. I believe, most of us, especially us women, when we fall in love, there’s no turning back. For as long as I can remember I had dreamt of my wedding day. I dreamt of having my dad walk me down the aisle. I would have a long white dress, tailored to fit with a long train and a veil that would ever so slightly cover my face. I would walk down the aisle only looking forward, to the man I would say I do to. We would walk through life together, supporting each other, loving each other and keeping each other’s hearts safe within our love. I never got that. I was 17 when I got married. Too young to know any better about life at all. I was promised love. I was promised forever, but the day after we got married, my husband stood before me and asked me how I felt about moving back home with my mother. I never got the wedding, the dress or the happily ever after. Please don’t mistake this for a pity party, because it’s not one. It’s only my experience and it’s written in a hope that maybe, someone won’t ever have to feel like they aren’t good enough or worthy enough.

Going through life, I didn’t realize I was in a one-sided relationship. As my friend Jen says, I was blissfully ignorant. Boy was she right. I developed the mindset of thinking the more I did for him, the better chance I would have of being loved. I was that person that made every excuse under the sun for bad behaviors. I thought having a baby would make him love me, but he only could love our son.

Wanna know why I stayed so long? Because I didn’t want to be a quitter. I was so stubborn and head strong. I was also weak and felt worthless. The hardest decision I ever made was to leave. I left because an old friend came back into my life and though we never saw each other, we had a connection. When we first started talking, I was quiet, because that’s what was expected of me at home. One day my friend asked me about happiness and what did I see for my life moving forward. Sadly, I couldn’t answer. My children were and are always going to be my focal point in life, but they have grown up and have moved on from needing moms love to loving the women they’ve given their hearts and lives to. My position in their lives has changed, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Through long conversations with my friend, I began to see that I mattered. My thoughts, ideas and dreams were important. I decided to try and open up to my husband about the things I was realizing, to only be met with, “you’re crazy for thinking that way, or I’m too old for that kind of life now, I’m an old man. ” I remember one time I asked my husband to go to a concert with me. His reply was, “I’m dying, I don’t think I have much longer, but I don’t want to stop you from living, so go ahead and go without me.” That was eight years ago and he’s still alive and he’s even dating from my understanding. I was always made to feel, or should I say, my perception was, he simply didn’t want to be with me. From the day after marrying him at a justice of the peace in Las Vegas and him asking me if my mother would let me come back home and maybe we should date longer to the day I left, I never felt like I mattered enough to just have his time or his love. If he loved me, then telling me should have been as natural as breathing.

“But you have to realize, that sooner or later, you will have a choice to make. And you will have to make that decision solely for yourself. With only you in mind. You have to choose life. Choose love. Choose growth. Choose what’s best for you. No matter what. Choose the light. Follow it and let all those toxic relationships go. Cause they’re no good for you. They will kill you. Drive you mad. And honestly, you owe yourself much better than that.”

Leaving is the hardest choice you may ever have to make. You have to choose what’s best for you and never base your decision on what others tell you. I chose to leave. I chose what was best for me and out of all of the ups and downs, I chose to accept whatever came my way. I am fully aware that there are consequences to every decision we make. When I was able to accept that mindset, there was no turning back.

I went through some pretty angry times with God. I was so angry with him, then, my heart started to soften, and I met John and he listened to me. He took my hand and helped guide me towards a life I used to dream about. I feel so lucky to have him by my side. There is love on the other side of heartbreak. The best thing is, I’ve come to realize that God never left me, he was always there, I was the one that was resisting the path he laid out for me.

It’s funny, all my life listening to my cult leaders it was engrained in my mind that if I ever left the church, no man of worth would want me. I was told that only wife beaters or abusers would choose me. Even my ex said to me once, “at least I don’t beat you.” I’d rather be hit than to be beaten down with words and denial of affection. All I ever wanted was to feel love, and now, I have more love than I ever thought possible. I sometimes pray to God and tell him to help me accept the love I get from John, because there’s still a part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of his love. I sometimes wonder why John chose me. I still critique myself, and John so kindly and lovingly reminds me and reassures me, I am more than worthy of his love.

My soul was starving, and I felt so empty for so long, but let me tell you this, not a day goes by that I doubt that I am loved and that is the most amazing feeling in the world. It’s priceless. John has shown me love and I can’t wait for our love story to continue. I can’t wait for the next chapter all while enjoying the chapter we are in. We have so many plans, so many dreams and that’s what having a partner is all about. Never feeling alone. Always knowing you are loved, even in the darkest of days.

My dear friends, you are worth being loved, being valued and having the best life possible. Chose you and the right person will sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. You are better than a one-sided relationship, at least that’s my opinion.

I do hope this blog finds you well and happy. Life is a blessing and so are you. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++