Even in the Tired

Happy Wednesday,

How is everyone doing today? We are halfway through the week and so far, so good. I did get a little one on one time with Tommy this week. We had a nice dinner at PZA and we talked for a bit. He’s still super quiet, but that’s okay, he knows his mama loves him and is always ready to listen. What does your week look like so far? Enjoying the rain and coolness? Right now, the wind has picked up and it’s so amazing seeing the trees sway ever so slightly. I love this sort of weather, not all the time, but from time to time, it’s a nice change of pace. I love how the sun plays peek-a-boo behind the clouds.

I’m off to a slow start today. I didn’t sleep well last night, or the night before or the night before that, but today, it caught up to me. I was in so much pain last night, I almost woke John up to take me to ER. I’ve been having some major issues with my left side, to the point where I can’t lay on it, and last night, I felt like someone was fileting my leg open. The sharp pain against my nerves was almost unbearable. John told me I should sleep today, but if I do that, then there’s no chance of sleep tonight. I hate it when my body gets the days and nights all mixed up. I have a quick errand to run today here in the Lake, then I am coming home and taking some pain meds and then, maybe just work on some art projects. As I sit here in the recliner, I can’t put too much pressure on my left side. I’m beginning to wonder if the protruding discs in my neck and back are causing the nerve pain? Any doctors out there that can give their input? Would be much appreciated at this point.

With all that I am feeling, I refuse to give in or give up. I do what I can do during the course of the day, even if it means taking multiple breaks. Today is a down day in that, I’m not doing anything other than my writing or crafting and only getting up when I absolutely have to. I can feel my balance is a bit shaky and I really don’t need any more falls or head injuries. If you see me using my cane again, please know, it’s not easy for me to been seen needing it.

Lately, it seems as though I’m running across more and more of these Rachel Marie Martin quotes. Funny how the Universe knows what we need when we need it. It’s called, “She was tired.” No one could see the level of tired. They saw the outside. The one giving, smiling, showing up, and yet inside, she felt the fatigue. The tired of trying to keep up. The tired of agendas. The tired of worries, but she kept on. She kept on giving and loving. She kept on hoping. She kept on showing up. She knew her giving mattered. She pushed forward. Out of love. Even in the tired.

Moms know how true this is. When we become mothers, we put our lives on hold in order to make sure our kids are cared for. We do it, because we love them. I remember when my boys were little and I worked, there were times I just wanted to sit and watch a movie or read a book, but just as I sat down, they wanted to go outside and play. I’m thankful that, even though I was tired, I still went outside to watch them play and in return for this, I got to hear their laughter, see them grow and experience getting dirty in the mud while building cities in the dirt, instead of them going to their rooms and playing a video game and disconnecting from human contact. I am thankful that I was allowed the opportunity to do this with them and that I could work around their school schedules and sports, because I know many parents aren’t given those choices.

The one thing I wish I would have realized more was, that my giving mattered. I never felt as though I gave enough, even to the boys. I attribute that to growing up in a cult where women where lesser then men, and where you would here the cult leaders ask if you think your good is good enough. Those types of questions put doubt in the minds of the church members. It was out of love for my sons that I didn’t make them live the cult life to the level of other JW kids. I wanted the boys to play, get dirty, enjoy friendships and get a good education, and I was looked down upon for having those thoughts and I made my husband at the time look bad too. You see, because I pushed back and allowed my sons to enjoy “worldly” things, our family was considered spiritually weak. Looking back, my husband at the time could have enforced us living more to the standards of the church, but he used me as an excuse to not have to. He let the church think of me as a rebellious wife, out of his control, and now, he can sit back and look like the victim even more so, because as he said, his wife and sons are doomed to die at Armageddon because we left the “true” religion. He blames me for our sons not adopting the cult as their own.

Even in the tired, I tried and even in the tired, I still loved my family and wanted them to have a good and happy life. When I left the church and my marriage, I left my life behind, completely. I ran away and it was in that time that I thought I was doing it to spare them my inevitable doom by being destroyed by God himself. I thought if I left, then my family could continue in worshiping God and belonging to the religion. What I failed to realize was, my sons never bought into it. By me pushing them to become educated and seek higher education, they developed critical thinking skills. By allowing the boys to play sports and develop friendships outside the cult, they could see that people who weren’t members where actually pretty amazing and that they were lied to by the church.

Even in the tired, I thought what I was doing was the best for my sons. I never gave them credit for having minds of their own, but I do now. I only wish their dad would wake up from the cult and see that there’s a pretty amazing world outside the confines of a religion that has lied over and over and over again to him. I wish he could see that being lied to cost him his marriage and family. When he asked me to come back to him, I asked him what he thought that might look like, seeing that I wanted nothing to do with the religion and he did. His reply was, “well, I can’t force you to go, but in the next year or two, I do expect you to be back out in the preaching work and attending all meetings.” He wasn’t willing to let go of controlling me. He wanted to keep me under his thumb, and I knew that the second time around would be a cause for more isolation, for more verbal attacks and that there would be no escaping, not only him, but the religion again.

If I had gone back to him, he would have made me confess all my sins to the church elders, which would have had the ramifications of being shunned by everyone for a period of at least a year. I’m shunned now, but I have made new friends outside the church, so I’m not living in total isolation. My ex would have made me sit at the church, on display, where everyone would have known I sinned and now I was being punished by the church and in turn, this would have made him more of the martyr because he forgave me and allowed me back. Men are kings and women are inferior in that religion and it’s a total way of controlling its members when someone goes astray and is shunned publicly, even if they come back and repent for their sins, a person still must pay for what they have done in order to receive God’s forgiveness. Shunning is not God’s way, it’s the cults way.

No one saw my tired, and I did just as my cousin said to do before leaving the life I knew behind. He said, make sure at the end of the day you can sit back and say, I tried everything I could do to save my family. I’m sure I could have done more, and I’m sure I fell short, but I knew it was time to go when I stopped hoping, when I couldn’t get myself out of bed anymore and face the day. I knew my tired had consumed me when I didn’t know how to give anymore, or even love. My tired overtook me and paralyzed me. Life didn’t matter anymore and the day I said I didn’t want to exist anymore was the day I knew I had to leave because I didn’t want to be a burden to my kids, and I didn’t want them to see me fail anymore.

Now, I am pushing forward, and I am doing it out of love for my sons, their wives, for John, Grant and even Tate. I’ll keep showing up for as long as I can, even in the tired. I’ve learned it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to tell John that I’m just exhausted mentally, and he doesn’t look at me as a failure and he most definitely doesn’t push me past my limits. I no longer have to say, no one could see the level of tired, because I’m blessed that John does, heck, sometimes he sees if before I do. I do hope that I can get back to doing things I used to do, that I can get rid of the pain that consumes my body at times. I want to be able to get in my car and drive and take road trips and see this amazing world we live in. I want to entertain again. I want to enjoy the little things. I want to keep pushing forward and I want to do it out of love, even in the tired.

Well guys, I do hope today is as amazing as you. I hope you are happy and that you have love in this life. Drop me a comment or shoot me a text and let me know how you are. You matter to me, and you are so important to this life and don’t ever forget, Love Life++