Can’t Go Back

Happy Sunday

How is everyone enjoying their weekend? So far, my weekend has been nice. Enjoying having my little brother here and John and Grant came up for the weekend too, so that’s been super nice. I’m still on the car hunt. I took John over with me yesterday to drive the mini cooper and h really liked it. Today I’m going to go over and drive a little beetle twin turbo. I just want to see which car I like best; however, I think I may hold off on buying one, that is until the right one comes along. I feel like I’m pressuring myself to jump into a car and I honestly don’t need to do that right now. I need to practice patience until the exact one comes along that I really want, however, in the meantime, I will do my research on which one I enjoy driving most and that way, when a nice little used car comes along, I’ll be ready. I’ve also enjoyed getting out and about in the community this weekend. I met a few new people and that was amazing. I do have a busy week coming up and I’m excited to see how things go. John is heading back to San Diego later today and that’s always hard being apart, but it’s short term, so I will enjoy the moments we have and try not to overthink while we are apart.

I found the nicest quote yesterday, and I know the Universe wanted me to read it. I’ve been telling John these last couple of days that I feel like I’m in panic mode and he keeps reassuring me that things will work out. We had a super long talk yesterday and I did feel better. I love our long talks. Oh, about the quote, it helps put fear in perspective and I believe it goes along with my talk with John and how he was telling me that we both need to work on mindfulness and keeping in the present. When we allow ourselves to travel outside of the current, that’s when it seems like fear and other things start creeping in.

Fear-Khalil Gibran, “It is said that before entering the sea, a river trembles with fear. She looks back at the path she has traveled, from the peaks of the mountains, the long winding road crossing forests and villages, and in front of her, she sees an ocean so vast, that to enter there seems nothing more than to disappear forever, but there is no other way. The river cannot go back. Nobody can go back. To go back is impossible in existence. The river needs to take the risk of entering the ocean, because only then will fear disappear, because that is where the river will know, it’s not about disappearing into the ocean, but of becoming the ocean.”

Life is so much like that river melding with the ocean. I was out to lunch with a dear friend of mine on Friday and she was telling me how she purchased a property outside of the country and how excited she is about it. The excitement in her voice was contagious and at the end of our conversation, all I could say to her was, “I’m so happy for you and I’m in awe of you. You are taking a risk or leap of faith in this journey, and I admire you for it.” My friend never once has indicated that she is scared or anything close to that and while I wonder if in the back of her mind, she is running through certain what if’s, she reminds me of the river entering the ocean, and her fear, if she had any is gone because she is now the strong, endless body of strength, much like the oceans of the world. I hope to have her strength one day and learn from her.

While out to lunch with my friend, I was telling her I’d like to figure out a way to make extra money, cash money, because right now I’m on such a fixed income. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m okay, but I want to keep preparing for retirement and life. She said to me, you have crafting talent, use it. Then she gave me this idea and told me that she feels I can make some good money doing what I enjoy. It has nothing to do with writing, but it does have to do with a certain craft I enjoy doing, so I’m going to give it a whirl and put fear aside and see what happens.

Fear, False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is triggered when your ego wants to keep you safe according to impowersisterhood.com. The same article goes onto say, the human mind is incredible, it remembers everything that has ever happened to you in life that wasn’t safe physically and emotionally. This is sadly, true. I am grateful that some of the events of my childhood were suppressed for as long as they were, but holy heck, when my memory started coming back, I literally re-lived every moment of my abuse. To this day, I still have nightmares of being beaten so hard that I had to miss school for a week because of the bruises. I sometimes can’t even move when I’m trying to wake up from a nightmare because I can feel my abuser on top of me, holding me down. John says sometimes I try to scream in my sleep, but he can see the force that is holding me back, and that is my attacker holding his hand over my mouth and threating me to keep quiet. I suppose by me remembering those events, I’m able to stay safe by not allowing myself to be in certain situations, but the greatest thing that came from that was, my subconscious must have been aware of the things that happened to me and in some way, made me very protective of my sons, so I was better equipped to keep them safe.

Fear is real, I don’t know that I buy into it always being false evidence appearing real. Sometimes I think fear is part of our intuition and that is what helps keep us safe.

I do want to be more like the ocean, and I’m okay with trembling like the river, as long as I keep moving forward. I don’t want to go back to being lonely, sad and afraid. I’ve heard it said that if you surround yourself with those that you want to be like, those you admire, you will become more like them. You attract what you want. I want to enter the ocean, so all fear disappears. I suppose I should take my one friend up on her challenge, and that is go to the Lodge for a drink, just once by myself. I’ve never been any good at going out alone. That’s always been a fear, and one I need overcome so I can continue to grow.

I can’t go back to the life I was living, nor do I want to. Sure, I miss certain things, but I am really starting to like who I’m becoming. I enjoy doing the things I believe I was meant for and I’m so grateful for those who have entered my life and become my friends. I will forever treasure those that have stuck by me and who have helped me grow from a stagnant body of water, into a river and for pushing me into becoming a strong ocean. That’s what life is about, loving and supporting each other.

Well guys, I must say goodbye for now. I hope your Sunday is as amazing as you are my dear friends and readers. Take care of yourself and hey, maybe try something new this week.

Drop me a comment or give me a like. Until next time, don’t forget, love life++