Look Past the Imperfections

Happy Sunday,

How is everyone doing on this beautiful Sunday morning? How is the weather where you are? It’s cool and foggy this morning. I was walking little Molly and ran into my neighbor Sally. She’s such a sweet lady. She’s alone now, her hubby passed away a year or so ago, but she still walks out her door in the mornings with a big smile and a certain type of gratitude for the day ahead. Molly and I walked with her for a bit and enjoyed conversing with her. It was a nice way to start the day.

Last night my nieces came over and brought some yummy munchies to eat, then we sat and watched a couple of chick flicks. Friday night my new friends Shawna and Jeannie invited me out for some appetizers and a couple of drinks. It’s been super nice having friends and family around. It seems like they call at the right time. When my mind starts wandering and going to a not-so-good place, I’ve been lucky to get a call from someone, so I don’t have to be alone. With everything going on with my Granny, and the waiting game, it’s nice to redirect my thinking to something other than wondering and worrying.

I start a new type of therapy tomorrow for my balance issues, thank goodness. Took another bad fall yesterday and bruised up my knee, so it’s super sore and a little swollen this morning. I have a few things to accomplish over the next couple of weeks. Yesterday I decided to clean my loft and wouldn’t you know, I came across some projects that are now calling my name. I will be finishing up a Christmas quilt that needs my time so I can get it to the quilter at the end of the week. I am so lucky to have found a long arm quilter here in the Lake, so I’m on her books for quilting next weekend. The quilt will be for John’s mom. I’ve decided that I’m going to do my best to make all my Christmas gifts this year. I hope with my gifts this year, everyone can see, they are all made with love, so please look past the little imperfections.

Speaking of imperfections, I wanted to share this self-examination quote I found. “I’m just me. I’m not perfect, I’m me. I’ve made bad decisions and wrong choices, but I’m me. I’ve said the wrong things, I’ve said the right things because I’m me. I don’t like everything I’ve done, but I did it because I’m me. I’ve loved the wrong people and trusted the wrong people and I’m still me. If I had the chance to start again, I wouldn’t change a thing. Why? Because I’m me. There are a lot of good things about me, you just have to look past the imperfections to see what’s right. If you can’t do that, then it’s your loss. I’m the best I can be. I am me.”-lovecasm.com.

Shhhh, don’t tell John. He’s always saying that I need to see my worth. Maybe, by writing this, I am realizing that I am seeing some worth in myself. One thing I am certain of, I am simply me. I’m still learning a lot about myself and there are absolutely things that I would still love to change, but I need to learn to stop shoulding on myself. John always says, don’t should on yourself. Learn from the lessons and keep growing.

When I was talking with my Uncle Mike the other day, I was so touched by his love and kindness. For reasons I won’t get into right now, I can say, I sort of distanced myself from my Mother’s side of the family. Slowly, though, I’m reconnecting and it’s mostly due to the wisdom and straight-shooting from Sherie and Maggie, along with my Aunt Billie. As Maggie always says, “we are family, no matter what.” I am so lucky to have such amazing and loving cousins and my Aunt, well, the is the definition of wisdom and unconditional love. I was telling Uncle Mike that I was sorry for not coming to see Granny more, and he said, “let it go, you are here now and that means a lot.”

I’m learning that, in order to be happy, I can’t expect others to simply accept who I am, I have to also accept myself, flaws and all. Being raised in a cult, I never felt good enough. I think that was the way the organization kept their female members in submission. I am learning to give myself permission to move past my mistakes and shortcomings. John always says how boring life would be if we were all perfect. It would almost be a robotic type of existence, and you know what, I think he’s right. He always reassures me that God loves me for me, and I’m already perfect in his eyes.

Spending the time I did with Granny the other day, made me appreciate how short time really is. Granny had asked when we were there, “did I meet your expectations?” I told her absolutely, but I didn’t understand why that was on her mind and I had asked Sherie what she thought, and she said it’s her opinion that as Granny’s life is ending, she just wanted to hear that she did well in life. Not sure Granny even knew she was asking me, or if she knew who I was at that moment, but her fragile little mind obviously was aware on some level that her time is nearing when she will finally pass on, otherwise, I strongly believe, that would not have been a question she would have been able to ask.

I know there are many good things about me and I know there are many bad things too, I just hope when others look at me, they see more of the good than the bad. I’ve wasted time seeing the bad and the ugly in others and in myself, yet at the end of the day, of what value was it or has it been? I’m rebuilding a relationship now with my Aunt Cathy who is in permanent skilled nursing. While she knows who I am, there is a big part of her mind that isn’t here in the present. Whenever I leave the hospital after visiting her, it breaks my heart that she has to be left there. Is she aware of time and visitors? I hope not.

I’ve always lived my life with the desire to learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others. Not sure that is or was such a good way to look at life because I fell into the needing to be perfect mindset. So, learning from our mistakes is a good thing, but I’ve been unhealthy in my view of mistakes for myself. When I make a mistake, I tend to carry it around for a long time. I play it over and over again in my mind of how I could have done it differently, instead of letting it go. A healthier view maybe would be thinking more like, those mistakes are what got me to this point in life. I’ve learned from my trips and falls, and I’m just me. I don’t have to be perfect.

It’s time to work harder on accepting me for me. I can only imagine how life will be different when I completely accept myself and it will be an amazing feeling when I can say, “there are a lot of good things about me, you just have to look past the imperfections to see what’s right. If you can’t do that, then it’s your loss. I’m the best I can be. I am me.” Right now, it’s my loss for not being able to fully embrace myself, imperfections and all. John always says that it’s his goal for me to see myself the way he does. I’m growing, and I’ll keep going. I’m doing the best I can, I am me.

Well, guys, I do hope you all have one spectacular day. Embrace those you love and enjoy the little things. Time is short, life is fragile, so take the time to tell those in your life how much they mean to you, and don’t forget, Love Life++