Darkness

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday evening? I do hope you are all doing well. Things are going well here, headache is managable today, so that makes it a good day for me. I’m excited to be able to go out to dinner with John and our two really good friends, Art and Laura. It’s always the best of times with our friends, and it’s been awhile since we’ve gone out, so I’m excited to to see them tonight. I also got a bonus happy for today, I was able to spend some time chatting with one of my brothers, so today is a really good day. Oh, and tomorrow I get to go to a birthday brunch with John’s sister and mom and their really good friend, so that will be a ton of fun.

I wanted to talk a little about the mind and how sometimes darkness overtakes us and we don’t know how to climb out of a certain abyss that those around us have no clue as to what’s happening, they might not even see a problem with us, or maybe, they simply see us as dramatic, or angry, maybe even sad or misunderstood. Now, in no way am I a doctor or an expert in anything, let alone how the mind really works. I can only tell you about my mind and what I’ve experienced and some experiences others have shared with me.

I’m a huge believer that there are absolutely doctors out there that only want us to be healthy, and I believe there are some out there that are in it for the money or notoriety, or for whatever reason floats their boat. I respect anyone that has gone to college and who has accomplished getting a degree of any kind, it’s more than I’ve ever done. With that being said, I can’t help but wonder why some get ovrelooked when it comes to their mental health. It’s almost like some cry out for help and it’s pushed aside or they are made to feel like they aren’t serious about certain threats to others or themselves. Sometimes I wonder why mental health is such a taboo.

I see things others post about feeling sad, lonely, lost or worthless. I’ve talked with some about how they don’t want to exist, and when I was in therapy, I heard cries from those around me that begged for help to make the voices in their heads stop. Now for me, I don’t hear voices, but I do, at times have racing thoughts and sometimes, I feel myself slipping into a darkness that I don’t know how to pull myself out of. More often then not, for me, what I do is, I become quiet, or I shut down, because I can’t stop the thoughts and when those thoughts finally come to a stop or even just slow down, then I start thinking how worthless I am for having such thoughts and it makes me sad to think that I allowed that kind of darkness to seep in again.

I am grateful that I have John and my niece Carly in my life and that they both don’t judge, they honestly do what they can to help me through those crazy uncontrollable thoughts. John said to me the other day he could sense I was off. I will be honest, that really sort of iritated me at first, but then, as he hugged me tight and kissed my forehead and simply said, I love you, I knew that he was telling me I was off, not to make me feel bad, but to help me. I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones in this life. I have someone that doesn’t hold anything against me, at the same time, supports me. He’ll never know how much I appreciate and hold more dear than anything, his love and support.

I had someone tell me their story recently about the darkness they sometimes experience and how they feel nobody has really ever been their to support them and tell them it’ll be okay. This same person also told me that they have never had anyone tell them that they are loved unconditionally. I can relate to what that feels like. I never felt love, that is, until John loved me. I had my future daughter in law tell me once upon a time that my son told her that he felt the reason I left his dad was because, well he told her, I don’t think my mom has ever felt loved. Wanna see a mom’s heart break? That broke me. My boys know that I knew they loved me and that certainly wasn’t what he was talking about. As our conversation went on, it was clear that my son knew that I was lonely in my relationship with their dad.

Being lonely is in my opinion one of the worst things when you suffer from mental health issues. When I knew I was near rock bottom and checked myself into a mental health program, I was belittled for it. I was actually told I was crazy for thinking I needed help.I was told that I was crazy for thinking I was crazy. I was told I wasn’t allowed to share certain things with my sons, things the therapist felt they needed to know and to this day, I haven’t spoken to them about. The best part about therapy for me was, well besides having my feelings validated, there was one point when the doctor told all of us in group that we were the sane ones, because we were willing to do one of the hardest things for people and that was admit that our thinking was off and we needed help adjusting ourselves. We were also told that some people would graduate the program and never need to come back, while some would do well for a time and need to re-enter the program. The point was, the first step to recovery from mental health problems was being willing to recognize you need help.

So I was recently told by someone that unless you’ve ever experienced darkness, you can’t understand what it means when someone says they are in a dark place. It was said that to them it was like not being able to think rationally. Dark thoughts would overtake them and when they reached out to a therapist, all the therapist wanted to do was have them committed, which they did do at one point, only to be heavily medicated. I was told that they never felt they got help, they only had a bandage put over the deep rooted issues. That broke my heart.

Darkness, mental darkness, I was told by someone that deals with major depression that it’s a feeling of worthlessness followed by a feeling that everything is your fault. Its a reminder, to this person anyway of all the wrong turns they’ve taken in life. Then they become anxious and they become paralized in fear that if they ask for help they’ll be put away again. So this makes them feel insecure about reaching out and asking for help because they fell stressed about how they’ll be perceived by the doctors. It basically becomes a vicious cycle.

After talking with this person at great length, they shared with me that there’s a song that explains the mental darkness of some, a song that many, in their opinion don’t realize is a song about the battle within some people’s minds. The Sound of Silence. Their opinion only of what the song means. f

“Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again, because a vision softly creeping, left it’s seeds while I was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains, within the sound of silence, restless dreams. I walked alone.’-Lyrics from Sound of Silence. It’s those thoughts that creep in and like a seed, grow into thoughts that we sometimes can’t even control. I’m not sure what the lyrics actually mean, but to this person, they mean that they are feeling a sense of dispair, hoping someone might help them, see them, and be there for them. “And touched the sound of silence, and in a naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never share, and on one dared, distrubed the sound of silence.”

“Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you, but my words, like silent raindrops fell and echoed, in the wells of silence.” I suppose, one could say that when you are mentally feeling dark, it’s as though your words can’t express your thoughts, because your thoughts can’t be heard.

Like I said, I’m no expert in mental health, but I do know the feeling of not being heard. I know what it’s like to feel alone with your thoughts and I know what it’s like to wish that someone could help get you through a really dark time. I’m lucky, I have John and my niece on my side, who tap in every once in awhile to make sure I’m okay, but there are so many others that don’t have that gift.

Darkness is a lonely place and I can’t help but wonder how many people don’t feel they have anywhere to turn, and that breaks my heart. I hate knowing people are suffering and I want everyone one to know, that while I can never repay John or my niece for their love and compassion, I can show them my appreciation by paying it forward, being there for someone who is in that dark place and who may feel there is no one to listen. A listening ear is sometimes, all they need, or at least that’s what someone once told me.

Love, compassion and understanding towards everyone, who knows, maybe the world will be a little better place if we simply, listened.

Well guys, it’s time to get dressed so John and I can meet our friends. I hope you have a wonderful evening and don’t forget, Love Life++