Happy Wednesday,
How is everyone doing this fine Wednesday morning? I do hope everyone is having a great week. We are officially half way through, afterall, it is hump day. Any plans for the weekend?I’d love to hear from you all, so send me a text or message me, better yet, drop a comment here.
I saw the sweetest little quote this morning, and I wanted to share it with you. I had something else I planned to write about, but seeing this made me decide I wanted to write about this sensitive subject. You see, I was talking to John this morning and we talked a little about self esteem in our children, and last night I made the comment about my fattness, and he quickely and sweetly said, he loves me just the way I am. He knows I’m a bit on the chunky side of things, I mean, it’s no secret, but he still loves me and never makes me feel bad about myself, in fact, he’s always upbuilding me. I do love him for that. He says he hopes one day I see myself the way he sees me.
I think after a lifetime of never having confidence in myself and having someone in my life that pointed out more of my flaws then my good points, it fed on my already low self esteem and it’s put me in a place where I won’t really look at myself in the mirror. I hate what I look like, I hate my body and I’d rather just not look back at myself I know this is unhealthy, and I am working on it, but it’s still a daily battle. I’m to the point again where food terrifies me and I’m trying so hard to not allow myself to fall back into that deep depression.
I went out to dinner with a friend last week and we were talking about our image of ourselves. She is absoultely a stunning woman and she’s about 10 years older than I am. She’s not thin, nor is she fat, she’s pleasantly plump, but she is a pretty lady. Anyway, we were talking about looks and such and I was telling her how I don’t like the way I look and she sat back and said, “do you think your boys are good-looking?” I said of course. She said, so do I. Then she went onto say that my sons didn’t get their looks from their dad, they got it from me. Now don’t get me wrong, I think their dad is a good looking man, especially when he was younger, but she is right, they don’t look a lot like him. I don’t think they per say look like me either, but they do look just like my brothers. Tommy and Jimmy could be twins and Tommy and Kevin from a distance look like twins, so I guess they do get their looks from me, but I don’t see me in them, I see my incredibly handsome brothers in them. I do appreciate what my friend said, and it made me realize that I need to be a little more aware of what I say outloud, especially about myself. I don’t ever want my boys to think they aren’t incredibly handsome. I don’t want to see my negative image of myself manifest in them.
Being raised in a cult like situation where women are viewed as lesser than and raised to think that our role in life is to serve our husbands and children, it was easy for me to stay in the mindset that I was worthless. My mother would always remind me that her son was her prettiest baby. My step dad would make remarks like, “you’ll never be as pretty as your mother.” My ex would reply to me saying I feel fat with, “well, maybe someday you’ll lose it and look good.” I remember after having my first son, he said to our good friend, “do you think she’ll ever be thin again?” I gained 79 pounds with my first pregnancy. I was on bed rest for all but a month of my pregancy. I was hooked up to a port that ensured I had the nutrients to feed the baby. I weighed 100 pounds when I got pregnant and delivered him at just under 180 pounds. I was a big mama for sure. The point is, I was never able to pull myself out of the mindset of being ugly and fat, especially after my pregnancies. So when I looked at myself in the mirror, I never felt good enough. It became easier to not look at myself.
Then this morning, I saw this quote, “mirror, mirror on the wall… it doesn’t matter if I”m short or tall, if I have skinny legs or my hips are wide. It only matters who I am inside. Blue eyes, brown eyes, black or green… what makes me beautiful cannot be seen. When you look at me don’t judge my parts. The most beautiful thing about me is my heart.”-unknown.
I love, love, love this quote. It’s like John always says, it’s who you are inside that really matters. I don’t think the quote is telling us or giving us permission to go out and pork on the poundage, instead what it is saying is, no matter how beautiful you are, if you’re heart is ugly, you are an ugly person. Our beauty stems from who we are as a person, how we treat others and our acts of kindness towards strangers.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”-Elizabeth Kubler Ros.
I know many of us can relate to those words, especially those of us that have found our way out of the depths of escaping high controlling people and religions. I know for me, it was my whole life and it’s like starting over with my new life. I see in myself sometimes the judgemental mindset I was engrained with and I try to keep my mouth shut more now, simply because I don’t know how to reply or comment. “Never speak from a place of hate, jealousy, anger, or insecurity. Evaluate your words before you let them leave you lips. Sometimes it’s best to be quiet.”-Tony A Gaskins Jr.
Our true beauty cannot be seen just by looking at ourselves or others, but it can be seen by the person we are and how we treat others, no matter what the circumstance is. I suppose now, it’s time to put into practice what I preach. Maybe it’s time to not be so hard on myself. Easier said then done, but I’m willing to try and lift this burden of not liking my body or what I look like and getting rid of it. Baby steps, one day at a time.
Well, that’s about all I got for today.I do hope you are staying well and doing good. I appreciate all the love and support you’ve given me. Until next time, I hope your day goes well and don’t forget, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 