Traces of Life..

Happy Saturday,

How is everyone doing today? What a beautiful day we are having. I love the cool breeze that passes through the warmth of the sun, it is just enough to cool me down at the same time I’m able to enjoy the heat of summer. What is everyone up to today? How are you all enjoying your weekend? John, Grant and I are going to John’s parents to celebrate his amazing niece Megan and her accomplishment of graduating high school along with her milestone birthday of turning 18. It’s always a good time with John’s family. I love being included in family events and seeing all the love his family has for each other. I feel honored to be able to celebrate Megan and her very special day.

Today started off with me being hit with a huge obstacle. Just when you think things can’t get any more crazy, the Universe sends yet another test. I’m sort of proud of myself on regarding this test thought. While I was upset with what was handed to me, I didn’t go into my typical panic mode. Sure, I’m trying to figure out how to get something to work out, but, John has been an amazing sounding board and he’s come up with some awesome ideas on how I can deal with the problem at hand. Even with the negative, I did have one wonderful surprise this morning. My cousin Brian reached out and we were able to talk for over an hour. Gosh, I forgot how much I love talking with him. He’s been a huge part of my life and he’s always someone that I’ve been able to count on, no matter what.

With the crazy events that have taken place over the last few hours, I decided to sit down for a moment and reflect. I went through some of my positive affirmations and came across one that I felt was sort of fitting for myself today. “I said, ‘Fuck this shit!!!’ I picked up my pieces, grabbed my worth from the floor, and felt courage take over my soul. I took a good look at myself and found traces of life. I may have been wounded, but I am not dead. So, my dear Life, with all do respect, bring it the fuck on! It’s time to fucking say, I got this!”-SheWolf. Sorry for the language, but it seems to fit this one time. The “F” word is certainly not one of my go to words, but it really fits this time. Instead of jumping directly onto a pity party of my own, I decided, I can’t change certain things, but I can fight back. It’s time for me to fight for what is fair, what I believe in and for myself.

For most, if not all of my life, I’ve been someone that would rather give in rather than face any sort of conflict. I felt as though I was keeping the peace, however, I was just surrendering myself, my thoughts and my life to others. I let people dictate who I was. I let a religion tell me what was good and bad, right and wrong. I never questioned anything within the church because I was taught not to question things. I was taught my place as a female was to be in complete and udder subjection. I’ve sadly carried this weakness into my entire adult life and it’s hard for me to challenge things and stick up for myself. After a few messages that I’ve received from loved ones about my blog and my openness, I’ve come to realize, I matter too. Just because I’ve made certain decisions in my life, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It doesn’t mean I don’t matter anymore, it simply means, I’ve made choices that I feel or felt were in my best interest at the time.

I am finding my worth even though it’s scattered all over the floor. I still won’t look in a literal mirror at myself, but I do spend time reflecting on my life, my choices and actions. I know the mistakes I’ve made and I know the regrets I have for not taking charge of myself sooner. I’ve had one challenging four year uphill battle, but my cousin Dawn told me before she passed away, “some things that are happening to you are because you aren’t changing the way you think or do things, you’re doing the same thing over again hoping for a different outcome.” She was so right. I can’t expect a different outcome if I continue to allow certain behaviors to exist. I can’t expect a different outcome if I don’t stand up for myself and continually allow others to guilt me.

Being with John this past week at the lake, I’ve realized that we are building a dream, our dream and we are doing it together and I need to participate in a more constructive manner. I have worked hard my whole life and I’ve allowed my ex, my bosses and others to tell me what a bad person I am and that I’m not entitled to certain things because of my choices. New Flash!! My choices work for me. I’m sorry they don’t agree with them, but that certainly doesn’t give them the right to decide my life anymore. It’s time to fight back and fight for what’s fair. I don’t ever want anyone else to go through what I’ve gone through. I worked hard and they don’t have the right to take that away from me and I will not let them determine my worth anymore.

I am finding traces of my life deep within myself. I am trying so hard to stand up on my own two feet while not changing my core value of the way I treat people. I will continue to love unconditionally, I will continue to take everyone’s feelings into consideration and I will do my best to always be a kind and loving person. What I won’t do anymore is allow myself to be placed as a doormat under anyone’s feet. Brittenge said to me the other day, “I’m grateful that you are starting to see what everyone else sees. So proud of your self growth.” She made my day with that compliment. I want her to know, I don’t know what she sees in me, but I’ll hopefully continue to make her proud along with those in my life with my self growth.

Self worth, I know your in there somewhere waiting to completely shine. I’m searching for you and I won’t give up until we meet again. I’m seeing a glimpse of you starting to emerge, and I can’t wait for you to completely show yourself. I don’t only want to see traces of life within myself, I want to embrace a quality of life.

Well guys, that’s about all I have for now. I hope you are having the greatest of days. Send me a text or message and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++