You Never Knew Me…

Happy Monday,

How is everyone doing this fine Monday afternoon? Everything is good here. I am a little anxious for today. I have to have an echocardiogram done. When I had my stress test a couple weeks back, they said I’m at intermediate risk for something to go wrong with my heart, so I have to do this follow up test. The test in itself isn’t a big deal. Basically it’s like a sonogram. I just stress for the unknown that I’m being presented with, but I’m leaving this in God’s hands. Let go and let God, that’s what Johns been trying to teach me forever.

We’ll be heading out soon, so this will be a shorter blog. I got a phone call from my niece this morning and she was telling me that her little one felt a little uncomfortable around my ex because it seems as though he questions her about me. I felt bad about that. I’ve been an open book with my ex and I feel like if he has a question he should ask me and not ask others who really don’t know my personal business. Maybe I’m just being a little sensitive because I hate it when others talks about me or behind my back. “What other people think of you is not your business. If you start to make that business your business, you will be offended for the rest of your life.”-Deepak Chopra. Great advice. It’s too draining to take on that whole gossip thing. I’m working on not letting things bug me, especially things like that. I’m getting better at it, but I do have to remind myself to stop sweating the little things.

After talking with my niece, I started thinking to myself, my ex had over thirty years of my life to love me and he made choices that proved otherwise. He still makes choices to show me that his money is more important than I ever was. He never really took time to know who I was. He didn’t ever want to know about my dreams of becoming a writer. When I would tell him I wanted to go to Hawaii, the one place I’ve always dreamed of going to, he would tell me that he had no desire to go there, so he’d convince me to go other places. I spent most of my life allowing someone to talk me out of what I enjoyed and what I wanted. I do believe in compromises. I know no two people will ever agree 100% of the time on things or enjoy the same things, and that’s okay, but sometimes it’s nice to do something that our partner enjoys, even if we don’t. To me, it’s a gift to see the happiness in my partners eyes when he is doing something he thoroughly enjoys and that makes it enjoyable for me. I just wanted, in my previous relationship to have my ex do something that I wanted to do, every once in awhile. I was totally okay with 99% of the time doing what he wanted and going where he wanted to go, I just wanted that little 1% of getting to pick.

I wanted to talk to him about my dreams. I longed to have him encourage me to write my book. I wanted to be supported in doing things that I enjoyed, like quilting and crafting. He didn’t have to join in, I just wanted to know it was okay that I did those things without being asked how much something cost, or why I was making something to give away or how many more quilts do I need to make, haven’t I made enough already?

“You think you’ve seen her naked because she took her clothes off? Tell me about her dreams. Tell me what breaks her heart. What is she passionate about, and what makes her cry? Tell me about her childhood. Better yet, tell me one story about her that you’re not in. You’ve seen her skin, and you’ve touched her body, but….you still know as much about her as a book you once found, but never got around to opening.”-unknown. It’s amazing, wonderful and sad all wrapped up in one. The amazing and wonderful part is, I have John now who knows my heart, knows my dreams, passions and he knows about my childhood. There’s pretty much nothing he doesn’t know. I even told him about the biggest mistake of my life, my emotional connection with an old high school boyfriend. I made no excuses for that, and I was totally honest with John about that. The sad part is, I never felt confident in my relationship with my ex to tell him about my abusive childhood and he never knew who I really was. He never wanted to peel the layers off and really know me. Maybe things would of been better if we knew how to communicate.

“I think you have to live through what love is not before you can truly appreciate what love is.”-Dante Paladino. I can tell you honestly, I appreciate what love is and what I have in my relationship with John. We have built and continue to build our relationship on communication, trust and honesty. I am grateful to have a man that can say he loves me and wants to know the good, the bad and the ugly. I am grateful for John every day.

I hope that all my readers find the love that you’ve dreamed of. Be open, be honest and communicate with each other. If you can’t open up to the person you are spending your life with, you will get lonely and most likely grow apart. I hope you never have to say while walking out the door, “you never knew me.” I want nothing but happiness and love for you all. Stay true to yourself and don’t forget, together, alone or figuring things out, Love Life++