My Dad…

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday evening? What a beautiful day it turned out to be. The gloom faded away and the sun shinned bright. Not too hot today, it was just right. I took a trip up to the store and got a few things. It was so nice to be out and about on my scooter. We are coming up on the weekend. Anyone have anything fun and exciting planned? I know many have young ones graduating this week. How exciting is that? So many are going to be venturing out on their own for the first time. What a wonderful time of year. We have some ending their high school careers and venturing off to college or new jobs, some moving from pre-school to kindergarten, a few going from elementary school into middle school and for some, they are graduating college and moving onto their new careers as grown adults. Some journeys are ending and others are just beginning.

I think today I started thinking so much about endings and beginnings because I lost my dad a year ago today. I woke up, took a little walk and the craziest thing, when I put on my headphones to listen to music, the first song that came on was American Trilogy. Dad loved that song. I was surprised, I haven’t felt like crying at all, until now that is. When I went for my walk, I felt this sense of peace knowing my daddy isn’t in pain anymore. I sure miss him though. I found myself talking to him today. I was telling him about the new adventure John and I are hoping to be on in the very near future, but we were told we wouldn’t have an answer to our potential adventure until at least tomorrow. I wish I could call my dad and tell him all about it, but I can’t. I do feel extra close to him today. I just wish I could call him, talk to him, hug him one more time.

When I was having a bad day, dad was always the one I could call. He would listen, then he would say, “you’re my little girl and you got this.” Yesterday was an exciting day for John and I and I wanted so desperately to call my dad and tell him about it, but I realized he wouldn’t be picking up my call. Is it weird that I’ve listened to his messages a couple times today that he left on my phone? Just needed to hear his voice. There’s so much left to say to him, and I know my brothers feel the same. I can’t help but think of my brother John. He never got the chance to say goodbye to dad. He was robbed of that. The only thing he has to remember dad are the memories Jimmy, Donald and I have to share with him.

“For my dad. They say there is a reason, they say that time will heal, yet neither time nor reason will change the way I feel. Gone are the days we used to share, but in my heart, you’re always there. The gates of our memories will never close, I miss you more than anyone knows. I love you daddy.”-understanding_compassion. Time doesn’t heal the pain of loss, it just eases it. My dad will forever be in my heart. The one thing I wanted more than anything was to have my daddy walk me down the isle and to dance with him at my wedding. That will never happen, but I know he’s with me and today, I received some news that I know has his blessing. I received the news John and I were told we wouldn’t get until tomorrow. It’s really good and exciting and I know my dad was behind it. I can’t tell you what the news is yet, but I promise to let you all in on the news within the next couple of weeks.

It’s funny how things work out. On my walk this morning and again on my scooter ride to the store, I was talking to my dad and telling him that there’s something I really wanted, but, I can’t see the big picture of what that would look like, so I told him to give me a sign and he did. When I was checking out of the store, John called me. I couldn’t answer his call because I had a checker that made me bag my own groceries. So, once I was done and headed out of the store, I called John back and before he could tell me that he heard about what I asked dad about, an email popped up on my screen telling me that I got what I wanted. John and I were talking about the email and he was a little hurt because he wanted to be the one to tell me, but we were both super excited anyway. As John and I continued to chat, he told me that my dad had already told him he has his blessing to marry me. John said dad had already given me away to him. John said he and dad talked for quite a long time when they met and he said dad told him he knew that he would always love me and take care of me. Dad sure had his hand in things today. He just paved the way for me and John to get what we wanted.

I feel my dad’s presence here with me. I know he’s listening and I know he loved me. I know I’m not alone today in missing him. Brittenge sure misses him, Jimmy, Donald and John miss him too. My dad made so many mistakes with his five kids, but he was a changed man and when I found him only six short years ago, he had nothing but remorse in his voice for not being apart of my life. The two weeks I was able to spend with him when he came here to California were the most memorable, because it was mostly just him and I during that time. Going to Arkansas in 2019 wasn’t a trip I had planned on. John actually insisted we go. He said he knew that I needed to go. I can never repay him for insisting on that trip. He got to meet my dad and it would be the last time I got to see dad before he passed. I wish I would of known that would of been my last hug, I would of made it last a little longer. I would of taken more time to just memorize his face, his voice and I would of told him more that I loved him.

When we loose someone in death, even when we know that they don’t have much time left, it’s still so hard. We wish for just a few more moments with them, moments we can never have back. One more moment with my dad, I wouldn’t of let go, I would of told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him when I was growing up. I would of told him, selfishly, not to go, because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I’m still not ready to let go of him. Now, I can only talk to him and watch for his signs to know he’s listening and still there for me.

From one of dad’s favorite song was American Trilogy. “So hush little baby, don’t you cry, you know your daddy’s bound to die. But all my trials, Lord, will soon be over.” Rest in peace daddy. I know you were hurting when you left us. I know you fought hard to stay with us as long as you could. Our hearts hurt for you every day, but your memory will live in us forever. You were and are so very loved. Maybe your back behind the wheel of your big rig, I know that’s what you were meant to do, drive and you were one of the best out there.

Dad, I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you were here and I wish you could be apart of my dream and see it come true, but I know, wherever you are, you had something to do with making it come true. Rest in peace daddy. You were right, John does love me and he continues to take really good care of me. You will live forever in my heart until we meet again.

Well my dear family and friends, thank you for being apart of my blogging journey and for helping make my dreams of becoming a writer come true. I know my daddy would be so proud knowing we have been read in 64 countries to date. Today is a bitter sweet day. So much sadness knowing I lost my dad a year ago, but so much happiness too in getting some pretty exciting news, knowing dad had his hand in making another big dream come true. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++