By My Side….

Happy Thursday,

How is everyone doing this fine Thursday morning? Shoot me a text or message and let me know how you are, I love hearing from you. All is well here. I’ve been up in Murrieta spending some time with my good friends/family, Leslie and Kevin. It’s always fun coming up here. We always have a great visit and Leslie is amazing, always taking me to my doctor appointments. What would I do without her. Having a friend like her means the world to me, she not only makes sure I get to my appointments, she monitors my meds and she makes sure I’m doing okay. With all the stress of these upcoming heart tests, it’s means everything having her by my side, making sure I’m not alone and calming my fears.

Sitting here with Leslie and Kevin made me think about how lucky I am to have my few close friends and family that stand by me, support me and who have my back, no matter what. I know I’m not alone on this journey and for them, I’m grateful. I know what it feels like to do this life, alone and afraid. I remember a few years back when I started having heart issues, I was terrified. My son was in school to get his EMT. He took my blood pressure and said he couldn’t get a reading. I told him I knew he could and he said he did but he knew that he read it wrong, but told me to go have it checked with my doctor. He wanted to be wrong on his readings, he didn’t want to be the one to tell me how high my BP was and how fast my heart rate was. Anyway, I did as he asked and went to the doctor. I was diagnosed with tachycardia with high blood pressure. They also found a small infarction which meant I had a small heart attack according to my doctor. The doctor was concerned about my numbers, but felt they could be managed. I won’t lie, I was afraid. You see, it was just a couple weeks prior to my diagnosis that my brother, who was 33 at the time had a major heart attack. He survived, thank goodness, but he’s thirteen years younger then me and it was in that moment I realized, I too had inherited our dad’s heart issues. I’ve muddled through it, but it still weighs on me.

My dad is gone and every time I have a heart issue, I feel this closeness to him, and this overpowering feeling that I can’t quite describe. I’ve had dreams lately where I feel my heart slowing and as I feel the beats become less, I open my eyes and see my dad standing above me. I never know what he says because I wake up. When I had my first heart issue, my dad was here visiting me and I was so grateful to have him. I had his love and support. He was with me at appointments, at my stress test and he was there when they hooked me up to this heart monitor. In those moments, I had someone by my side and I didn’t feel so alone. I knew daddy was afraid for me, you could see it in his eyes, you could hear it in his voice, but he still remained calm and he was so reassuring. He told me I’d be okay. I had to have a procedure done and it was scheduled for the day after he went home, and he begged me to stay so he could take care of me. I wish I would of let him, but I didn’t, I put on my big girl panties and did it alone, just like I always had in the past, this time was no different, but when he left, I wished he was still with me. I needed him, but I made him leave. I thought that’s what I had to do. I thought I had to do it alone, again.

My ex meant well, I’m think, he just didn’t know how to take care of anyone, including himself. I suppose part of that was my fault. I did everything for him, so there was nothing left for him to do. I didn’t even ask for his help, not anymore that is, because I knew the task of caring for me at anytime would be too daunting for him. My friends usually stepped up to help me, that is if they knew I needed help.

My first lumbar puncture, I wanted to die. I remember laying on the tile floor in my family room because I couldn’t walk. I was able to get off the couch and crawl to the bathroom. It took all I had to be able to get myself up on the toilet and back to the floor. It took me awhile to crawl back to the couch, but I couldn’t get back up, so I just laid on the floor. It was nice and cold there too, so that made it okay. My headache was one that I never experienced before. What I didn’t realize was, from the LP, I had a spinal fluid leak. This caused pain beyond anything I ever felt and I remember telling my husband that if I had a gun I’d shoot myself because it hurt that bad. He didn’t know how to show compassion, he never learned how. Maybe seeing me in such pain scared him, I’m not sure, but he wasn’t there to help me, he left me to handle it myself, saying he had work to do. His response was to sleep it off.

When my second LP came around, he said I should be used to the headaches by now and he had the balls to ask me to run an estimate up on the computer for him, the day of my actual procedure, he got frustrated with me while I lay on the floor in our bedroom with my keyboard, typing his estimate into the computer. When I had a miscarriage early on in our marriage and needed a DNC, he couldn’t take time from work to be at the hospital with me, he arranged for someone else to take me. I just miscarried our babies and he couldn’t be there. I learned early on, whenever it would come to anything in regards me, I’d be handling it alone. I always longed to have someone that would be by my side, even for the simplest of procedures and tests. I just want to be someone’s first choice for once, not second choice, or third choice, but someone’s first choice.

When my dad was alive and when he was here, I had him by my side. I knew it would all be okay, because he was here. I miss the safety of his reassuring words, knowing he’d be there, emotionally supporting me, especially since I had a husband who lacked in those areas. My husband felt that work and the kids came before me, I took a lower ranking in his world. It was work, his whatever ailment he was going through, sports, the boys, the church, his family and then me. “Many psychologist and relationship experts argue that your spouse should come before your children. The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won’t thrive, so you’re doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce.” When it comes to your relationship, if you don’t put each other first, then what is left when those babies grow up and start their own lives?

In fatherly.com, Charlie Bloom said this, “there’s definitely a strong cultural bias toward favoring or prioritizing the needs of children over the parents. It’s gotten to the point now where parents are judged and ostracized if they don’t accommodate and even anticipate and provide for kids needs over the need of their relationship. The danger of that is the couple’s relationship will be neglected. Children grow up with the expectation that the world is going to indulge them, which creates a sense of entitlement.” In my case, it wasn’t only the kiddos being put ahead of me, it was everything else. I learned, instead of having someone by my side, I was to handle everything on my own.

If I was afraid to go to the doctor, it didn’t matter, I just handled it. My husband felt most of the things I was dealing with were in my head anyways. I think that allowed him to justify his lack of support for me. I should be thankful in some way though. I learned what I can handle on my own and I learned that I have some pretty amazing friends that will step up and be my support. “All we need is someone who will be by our side and wash away all our sorrows and gloominess like the sea waves and stick by us in every phase of our life, like the sea sand between our toes,”-Mukul Joshi.

I know who you are, those of you that have been with me, by my side no matter what, and I am beyond grateful to each and everyone of you for the role you play in my life. Life is full of ups and downs, sickness and health, but we can get through those obstacles with someone by our side, with someone that cares about us. Those are the anchors to our lives, at least that’s what I think. I’d love to know your thoughts too, so you know what to do, drop me a comment or send me a message or text. It makes my day.

Well guys, it’s time to say goodbye for now, but I do hope you all have the greatest of days and don’t forget, until next time, Love Life++