Happy Sunday,
How is everyone doing this fine Sunday afternoon? I sure hope each and everyone of you is having the greatest of days and most fantastic weekends. I’m still trying to get back in the writing groove. I told John this morning, I will start dedicating 20 hours a week to writing. I must finish my book and keep my blog more current and up to date. I was thinking while sleeping last night about wanting to earn an income due to my disability being depleted and while I wait for the court to decide if I will be eligible for permanent disability, I know I can write and not break the rule of disability. I won’t be falling while writing, I won’t be out in the sun or walking, I can just sit or lay in bed and write. I figure, on most days, I can dedicate at least 2-3 hours to writing, plus, I really do enjoy it. So stayed tuned for more frequent blogging and for updates as to how my book is coming along. I’m about a 1/4 of the way done at this point and I have set the goal to be completed by my birthday. It won’t get published by then, but the writing will be done and then all the tweaking comes into play before I can publish. I am super excited.
I have a question for you all. Have you ever had someone tell you, “don’t should on yourself?” I have. Yes, John tells me all the time to stop should-ing on myself, and he’s honestly, the one that tells me and has told me the most to stop should-ing on myself. In fact, he told me yesterday not to should on myself. I forget why, but, he did say it again. Last night while I was in one of those sleeps where you can’t open your eyes and are non existent to the outside world, yet you are aware of your thoughts, I was thinking about how I am constantly critical of myself and I seem to always need to have things done, and if I don’t, then I feel like I’ve not only let everyone else down, I’ve let myself down. For as long as I can remember, I’ve needed to be perfect, all while not realizing that’s what I was striving for. I suppose you could say, I’ve never felt good enough.
Today when I sat down to write, I had decided I would just open one of my drafts and write about whatever topic was within that particular draft. Funny how the Universe works. I am certain that because I was thinking about how critical I can be of myself, this is the reason that the Universe had me open this particular draft, because this is what I found. A quote from Bob Marley. “Bob Marley was once asked if the perfect woman existed. He replied: Who cares about perfection? Even the moon is not perfect, it is full of craters… and the sea? It’s too salty and dark in the depths. The sky? Always infinite, that is, the most beautiful things are not perfect, they are special and every woman like every man she is and every person chooses is ‘special’ in their life. Stop wanting to be ‘perfect,’ try to be free and live doing what you love, not wanting to please others.”
I’ve lived my entire life wanting to please everyone around me. John and I got together with our dear friends the other night, Art and Laura and this very topic came up. I admitted that I have always done my best to make sure everyone around me is happy and that they have their needs met and I do whatever I can to ensure not only my family, but my friends and even those I hardly know, their wants, needs and desires, if known to me, are first. I have to admit, I don’t want to change this mindset completely, however, I do need to change it just enough to where I’m not mentally, emotionally and physically drained. Let’s face it, I’m 52 years old and I just can’t keep up with that way of life anymore. I have to learn to take care of myself. I have to accept that I’m never going to be perfect. I need to stop wanting to please everyone out of fear that I won’t be loved or accepted. I have to show my trust and faith in my loved ones. It really isn’t fair to assume they won’t love me if I don’t compete with my own mind of having to be “perfect.” I need to train my mind that it’s okay to sometimes say no. It’s okay to sometimes need a day of laying in bed, listening to my music or just watching TV. What good am I to anyone if I don’t take care of myself?
The cult in which I was raised taught, emphasized and basically demanded it’s women followers to submit to man and take care of everything within the home. Having a mother who taught me that it was my job to make sure everyone’s needs were far more important than my very own has crippled me. I am free of not only the cult, but of my over controlling mother and instead of living the life of being lesser than, I am learning to focus on being balanced. I don’t want to change into someone that becomes so self absorbed and not caring of my family and friends needs, wants and desires. I just have to meet my needs too. They matter. You don’t even know how hard that last sentence was for me to write. It actually made my stomach turn writing it. That’s how far down the totem pole I have placed myself.
I believe perfection is attainable. Perfection in being reasonably balanced in not only taking care of myself, but being able to take care of those I love. I’m navigating towards that perfection. I want to be perfectly imperfect. I want to still take care of those I love and cherish and I want to add myself into that mix. The most beautiful things are not perfect, which in a crazy way, makes them perfect, or maybe simply, unique?
I had a old friend, she was quite a bit older then me, tell me while she was teaching me to do Brazilian needle work, that mistakes are what make the piece unique and most things within nature, are unique. God created things this way. If God created it, then it’s perfect. Though we may focus on the flaws, in his eyes, it’s still perfect. Flowers and trees that have branches or vines that grow in a weird way compared to other flowers and trees within the same family, those are the most beautiful, because they are so rare and unique, it’s almost like defining a new perfect, or maybe it’s a glimpse into seeing things the way God sees them.
“Stop wanting to be perfect.” I take this as, stop wanting to fit within a mold or definition of what someone has outlined or defined for you. That right there is my biggest problem. I have always allowed myself to be told what to do. I allowed others to think for me and in the process, I learned that the only way I could be loved is doing what makes everyone around me happy. I never have had confidence that I’m worthy of love based purely on who I am as a person. The sad reality of that is, I failed to give credit to my loved ones. I failed in having faith in them. I put expectations on them based upon what I felt was their thinking towards me. That is and was unfair on every level.
“Who cares about perfection?” I do, but I’m learning that I need to redefine the meaning of perfection for myself. “Perfection is a toxic desire. We are not supposed to be perfect. The challenge is not to be perfect. It is to be whole.”-Jane Fonda.
Living within the confines of a cult mindset, I was taught that happiness comes from only doing what I was told to do by the leaders, and if I did what I was told, then I would be blessed with eternal happiness. The thing I failed to realize was, happiness was something I would be rewarded with in the future according to their standards. Instead of being happy with what I had, I continuously spent my whole life working towards “the prize.” What I wasn’t taught was, happiness is something that God and his son want for us now. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have a life and have it to the full.”-John 10:10. Here Jesus is showing us that we aren’t supposed to just make it through this life, we are supposed to live life to the full. We were gifted this life to enjoy. We aren’t simply a beating heart with lungs that breathe, we were gifted life and it’s up to us to be happy and joyful.
I have a long road ahead of me in finding that balance of how to stay true to myself at the same time, not giving up what makes me happy in the way I do for others. I love doing for people. I love talking to people and helping whenever I can. I don’t want to give that part of me up. I do need to recognize my limitations and learn that I don’t have to always be the one helping. Sometimes, it’s just not my place to do so. Sometimes, it’s just not reasonable for where I am in my life at that moment. Perfection, I think is subjective. I can still work towards perfecting myself, just realizing that what’s perfect for me might not meet someone else’s standards, and that’s okay.
“There is no perfection, only beautiful versions of brokenness.”-Shannon L Alder. I really like this. It’s time to be special in my own way without feeling guilty when I can’t accommodate someone. If I can’t be worthy of being loved for simply being me, then maybe I’m not meant to be in that someone’s life. This is a concept I’m still working on accepting. I have to stop wanting to be what I think others expect me to be, instead, I need to continue to be “free and live doing what I love, not wanting or needing to please others.”
Well, there you have it. My thoughts on what I need to stop wanting in this crazy life and what I need to start accepting and embracing. This will no doubt be a crazy rollercoaster ride for me. I will doubt my thoughts, I will doubt my actions and I will most certainly second guess myself when I say “I can’t do that” to someone. In order to be happy though, I need to figure out a way to put myself in the equation of my own life. I think I matter too. I want to continue doing whatever I can to be the best me possible at the same time, finding balance.
Those are my thoughts and I am so excited to have each and everyone of you along on this journey with me. I love writing and it truly is my passion. I believe I’m pretty good at it and though there are times I get off on a rant here and there, at the end of the day, we are in each others life, whether it be for the moment or for a lifetime and all we can do is continue to uplift each other and accept our own unique individualities. Thank you for reading and please, feel free to comment, message me or text/email me. I love hearing form each and everyone of you. Until next time, don’t forget, Love Life++
Love Life with Dawna 